UnNews:Fidel Castro finally admits he is dead
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 February 2008
HAVANA, Cuba - Nearly two years after his death, Cuban president Fidel Castro finally admitted on Tuesday that he is no longer alive. "I was in a state of denial for a long time," he confessed, "but it's time for me to face up to reality." Castro made the revelation to top government officials during his nightly 3 A.M. haunting of the presidential palace. Ordinary Cubans welcomed the news that their leader would finally be at peace, but many admitted they would miss his charismatic presence above their midst.
Dying from a botched abdominal surgery in July of 2006, the elderly dictator initially refused to enter the afterlife. After quickly realizing that he could not govern just through his spirit with no body, he "temporarily" ceded power to his younger brother Raul, still exerting much influence over the island's politics. But now that era looks to be coming to an end: Castro vowed to finally depart from this world after a month-long transitional period in Cuba's government. Thousands of mourners gathered at Castro's secret grave site just on the outskirts of Havana, two meters north of Jose Marti's gravesite, to mark the occasion and pay their last respects to the long-dead presidente.
Castro revealed that initially he planned to remain in political [and spiritual] limbo until after the end of George W. Bush's presidency in order to embarrass the U.S. President with his and Hugo Chavez' constant taunting, but after learning that his own actual approval ratings were now higher than Bush's, Fidel said that "it was embarrassing enough for America." The White House reacted positively to Castro's announcement, and publicly vowed that "the United States...will do everything it can to ensure [the dictator's] soul will enter hell as quickly as is possible". White house spokesperson Dana Perino elaborated on the statement, adding that "the least the Cuban people deserve is for their oppressor to be punished for eternity along with his old jai alai partner, Che Guevara. We've already contacted the Pope, Dali Llama, Archbishop of Canterbury, and Jesse Jackson to intercede with God to make sure that happens." She refused to comment on whether the Bush administration would support Castro getting waterboarded in hell, specifying no need for "intensive interrogation techniques in [the fiery pit]".
U.S. Presidential candidates were quick to comment on this international development. Math-challenged former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee immediately said that he "personally requested of Jesus to ensure Castro will be going to hell." Age-challenged Senator McCain responded to the news with a new rendition of the classic "Barbara Ann," altering the lyrics to "Ba-ba-ba-ba-bomb Havan[a]," explaining that it is a necessary action to preempt any change in Castro's mind later and his return as a zombie through Cuba's state religion, Santeria. Meanwhile, Senators Obama and Clinton (the less popular one) both simply stated they "offer their condolences for this great patron of compassion, and hope this development won't adversely affect Cuba's nationalized healthcare system
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- Anita Snow "Fidel Castro resigns as Cuba's president" AP, February 19, 2008