UnNews:Giuliani revamps strategy to focus just on Miami-Dade County

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27 January 2008

Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani hopes that dressing in drag will attract voters.

MIAMI, Florida -- Former New York mayor and 9/11 attention-whore Rudy Giuliani is revamping his presidential campaign strategy just days before the Florida primary. For months he has been focusing solely on this southern state, claiming its large number of delegates will make the early voting states irrelevant in the long run. But with only single-digit showings in the earlier primaries, and poll results that make Mike Gravel seem like a viable contender, Giuliani was forced to rethink his strategy.

Aides say the new plan calls for campaigning only in the densely populated Miami area. "We're conceding the rest of the state, but I think whoever can win in Miami will have shown they are the best candidate for Florida, and therefore the country," explained Rudy's campaign chief. Pundits also asserted that the Miami area has a large number of New York transplants, increasing the mayor's chances, as that is the only electoral base he has. Asked to comment about his rival's new strategy, lead candidate Mitt Romney said, "Rudy? He's still in the race? I thought he dropped out after New Hampshire."

Giuliani's campaign took a further hit Sunday after Florida governor Charlie Crist decided to endorse McCain for the Republican nomination. This came as a surprise, as Crist and Giuliani are good friends, but the governor explained that "I was also unaware that Rudy was still in the race. McCain was really just my second choice." The ex-mayor's decision to focus just on Miami, as opposed to another Florida city, is largely due to the fact he happened to be there when his campaign's money finally ran out. Without funds for a plane ticket, or even a rental car, Mr. Giuliani was forced to stay in the city and campaign door-to-door on foot. In addition to asking for citizens' votes, he's reportedly also asking for spare change for cab fare.

Undeterred by sagging poll numbers and mockery from the news media, Rudy gave a rousing speech Sunday night from the steps of city hall, before he was kicked off the premises by security. "I'm going to work from 9 to 11 every day to win this race," he began, "and whether we have to lower taxes by 9 or 11 percent, I am the best to take control of the economy." Later in the speech, Giuliani touched on illegal immigration, mentioning that "the border fence should be between 9 and 11 feet tall." The broad statement also took on the war in Iraq, with Giuliani changing his recent stance and saying that "between 9 and 11 soldiers dying each month is unacceptable, and I will ensure that our troops are withdrawn within 9 or 11 months." As security began to escort the candidate from his make-shift podium, he became angry and began shouting "9/11 9/11!" before being dragged away by force.

Giuliani is expected to be the first Republican since Senator Artemis Bilbo to go to the Republican National Convention with more ex-wives than with actual delegates. If his Florida strategy fails, he will focus on attracting support in Maine, specifically from Mrs. Barley Newpasture of Farrow Lake, Topsfield, Maine, as a potential "trophy delegate."