UnNews:Duke Nukem Forever Delay Postpones Iraqi Parliament Session

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 April 2006

Duke Nukem, seen here in Baghdad, is Iraq's only hope for peace.

BAGHDAD, Iraq The eagerly awaited Iraqi Parliament session\deathmatch has been delayed yet again today. Lawmakers were supposed to finally meet on Thursday, but have postponed the session to "sometime in 2006." The delay was linked to another postponement of 3D Realms' game "Duke Nukem Forever," sequel to Duke Nukem 3D. The game, in development since 1997, is meant to play a crucial role in unifying and pacifying Iraq. Prime Minister Ibrahim Jaafari explained that, "If the various factions and insurgents can battle out their differences in an online multiplayer match instead of on the streets of Baghdad, the country will be much safer."

The Bush administration is pressuring 3D Realms to complete the game as soon as possible, but CEO George Broussard says it will be released only "when it's done" and that any supposed deadline are pure speculation. Critics of the Iraq War point to this fact as a key failure of the Republican administration. Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi says that "they promised us the game would be done back in 2003, but obviously it wasn't, and thus violence in Iraq continues to this day."

Many question why other first person shooters, which are already out on the market, couldn't be used by the Iraqi parliament. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld contends that "Duke Nukem Forever is being specially designed with Iraq in mind, sensitive to the needs and values of the region." Democrats claim Half Life 2 could be used as a temporary measure; that game is currently played by the Afghanistan legislature with varied success. Lately though, Taliban fighters have been getting bored of Counterstrike, decided to launch "counter strikes" against US forces in real life instead. Local warlords also complain that they were promised the Team Fortress 2 expansion after relinquishing power, but that it was never delivered.

President Bush assures that in the long run, the wait for Duke Nukem Forever will be worth it. "Once the warring factions are enjoying online fragging instead of car-bomb fragging, the peaceful and democratic Iraq will benefit the entire world and help in the war on terror." Supporters put a lot of faith in the Duke Nukem franchise, pointing out how the previous installment quickly ended the Kosovo conflict in the Balkans during the 90s. Former secretary of state Madeline Albright fondly recalls how "Milosevic stopped being interested in planning ethnic cleansings after we gave him the Build editor for making new Duke Nukem 3D levels."

Meanwhile in Sweden, IKEA is gearing towards a strategic launch of their new Xbox361 game, "Ingvar Forever". Their senior advisor, Ingvar Kamprad assures this violent furniture trading reality game would "make Duke Nukem Forever look like an old Volvo" and "I look hunky in the game".

The current situation in Iraq remains tense, and the statistics pointed to by the administration have little bearing on reality. The state department cites that "80% of Iraqis now have running water and access to Doom 2," but the game is so obsolete it's not discouraging the citizens from real-life violence at all. Hopes remain pinned on a quick release of Duke Nukem Forever.

Sources

• AP "Iraq parliament session cancelled after PM climbs down" "", April 20, 2006