UnNews:After Cheney-administered water boarding, Iraqi PM backs timetable

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 October 2006

Vice President Dick Cheney, clearly outraged at the general situation.

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Iraqi Prime minister Nouri al-Maliki has backed off from his earlier comments that seemed to clash with statements from the White House that a timetable for Iraqi progress has been established. Only days earlier the Iraqi leader claimed that the United States had no right to impose its will on his government, but today he declared that he is "100% in agreement with the Dear Leader, President Bush."

Diplomatic sources say al-Maliki's about face came as a result of a brief torture session personally performed by US Vice President Dick Cheney on Thursday. The White House, however, was careful in avoiding the word torture and instead referred to the procedure as "water dunking." Press Secretary Tony Snow asserted that "The US has the right to interrogate and persuade suspects and puppet foreign leaders to adhere to our policies. This is all done in strict accordance with our pick-and-choose interpretation of the Geneva conventions."

In a follow-up discussion with US ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad, al-Maliki is said to have shouldered all responsibility for the ongoing violence in Iraq. In a written statement released by the government, the Prime Minister claimed, "I am completely to blame for the latest increase in bloodshed. The Americans and their heroic Army are faultless." The statement concluded, "Please vote for Republicans in your upcoming midterm elections so that the brilliant policies of Dear Leader George W. Bush can continue to enlighten our country."

This is not what they mean.

Meanwhile, Vice President Cheney made the rounds on conservative radio talk shows Friday, praising his own genius for inventing the "water dunking" technique. "It's a very effective method," he said on a call to Rush Limbaugh, "and by referring to it as 'dunking' instead of 'boarding' we are completely off the hook in terms of human rights abuses." Cheney then had to cut the interview short so he could participate in a videoconference with al-Maliki, scowling at him and pointing to a water bucket each time the Iraqi diverted from the script prepared by Bush's speechwriters.

The new timetables agreed on by all sides set deadlines for the pacification of various regions in the battered Middle East country. For each day missed, al-Maliki will receive a whipping. Furthermore, Cheney has promised that if Republicans fail to hold on to Congress after the November 7th elections, he will hold the Iraqis responsible and "send their whole government to Guantanamo to teach them a lesson."

Sources

• AP "Bush: U.S. doesn't torture prisoners" "", October 27, 2006

• AP "Iraqi PM, U.S. envoy back timetable" "", October 27, 2006