UnNews:Simpson proclaims innocence, vows to find "the real burglar"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 September 2007

Suspect O.J. Simpson claims he can't be "the real burglar" because at the time of the robbery he was out looking for "the real killer."

LAS VEGAS, CA -- Following his arrest on Sunday morning in connection with an armed burglary, O.J. Simpson immediately proclaimed he's innocent and vowed to dedicate his life to the search for "the real burglar." Police took the former football star and one of his associates into custody after investigating a robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room on Thursday night. The arrest reportedly occurred without incident with former Simpson friend Al Cowlings revealing that "this time around, I refused to be the getaway driver," alluding to his 1994 slow-speed Ford Bronco chase in Los Angeles.

The items stolen include various sports memorabilia relating to O.J. Simpson, which is precisely the reason why the suspect asserts his innocence. "Why would I steal my own things?," rhetorically asked Mr. Simpson. Some pundits hypothesize that Simpson started this media frenzy in order to sell more copies of his just released hypothetical tell-all book "If I Did It." Sources say the author is too dumb to realize all proceeds from the book sales have been slated to go to the Goldman family.

Simpson spoke to reporters only hours after his arrest and immediately began spewing his theories on who the real burglar might be. "He might even be the same person as the real killer," the former football star mused, "he must have been getting scared that I was hot on his trail and he would soon be caught." Sources close to Simpson reveal that based on O.J.'s travels over the years, they suspect "the real killer" must be an avid golfer, because Simpson has been visiting country clubs all across the nation. Another suspect Simpson said could be "the real burglar" is Ron Goldman's father Fred. "That guy really has it in for me," he explained.

O.J. is yet to hire a lawyer for his defense, and he has been trouble mounting a legal team this time around. He was dismayed to learn that his former star defender Johnnie Cochran has passed away, and that fellow attorney F. Lee Bailey had been disbarred. He is reportedly considering representing himself, especially given the news that police have recovered some clothing linked to the burglars. "I bet none of that clothing is going to fit me," confidently asserted Simpson, adding, "and if it doesn't fit, you must acquit." In case that defense fails, Simpson has already bribed and\or blackmailed one of the collectors whose possessions were stolen - Alfred Beardsley announced he won't press charges and is now "on O.J.'s side."

Sources

• Ryan Nakashima "O.J. Simpson arrested in Las Vegas robbery involving sports memorabilia" AP, September 16, 2007