User:Antiedman/New Jersey
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| Official languages | Jerseyish, Jewish dialect of Jerseyish, Guieditano, Germanseyish, American and Real English in extremely rare cases |
| Capital | Camden Lite |
| Exports | Nuclear waste, toxic waste, various types of air and water pollution, smog, whores, STDS, guidos, Jersey Shore |
| Most Famous Citizens | Tony Soprano, Jim Cramer, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, Frank Sinatra, Joe Pesci, Gregory House |
| Citizens They're Desperately Trying To Forget About | Jonas Brothers, Mike "The Situation" |
| Leader(s) | Chris Christie, Tony Soprano & That Dude Who Owns the Casinos (Donald Trump) |
| State Pastime | Being a douche |
| Intelligence | Wi is be da Smaretihst Amairihcans Git ust to it. |
| Motto | Ay fuck yous asshole.... |
| State Nickname | The Garbage State, The F You too State |
| State Song | "Woke Up This Morning" |
| Length of work hours: | 0 minutes, 365 days a year |
| Official Sport | Tecmo Super Bowl |
| State Douche Bag | Jon Corislime |
| Literacy rate | Wi is be da Smaretihst Amairihcans Git ust to it. |
| Language | Garbagian |
New Jersey is referred to as "The Fuck Youzs State". The official motto (said while grabbing crotch) "ay's don't see anything special withh you mooks either.", more commonly known as America's Salvation, Armpit of America, Asshole of America, The Gateway To Hell, the Guido State or the Suburb State, was the 3rd state in the United States of America. The unofficial state slogan is "You want a mawttoh, I got yous guys uh fucking mawttoh right here". New Jersey is not quite New York, although they try so hard.
The capitol is Trenton otherwise known as Camden Lite: Now with 10% reduced druggings!. David Letterman had his orthodontic work performed in New Jersey.
Although unknown to some, vast expanses of New Jersey are rural/ forested. Anyone coming home from down the shore at three A.M. on the back roads knows that if you breakdown, you are screwed, usually within five minutes of breakdown, you will be savagely beaten and then eaten by the native albino midgets. (Not always in that order, mind you.)
Culture (or lack thereof)[edit | edit source]
Somtien somtin History, It's a Jersey thing[edit | edit source]
Created when people from the rest of the united states kicked all the retards out and God punished the retards for killing the French people by forcing them to living in the most vile place ever created. the City-State of New Jersey is a scientifically formulated mixture of subs, closeted gay men, such as the obese Cody Wagner who cannot play basketball because he is too small and fat; and rampant Italian Americans best enjoyed while enjoying romance under a full moon listening to David Bowie. Not many are aware of this fact but New Jersey is actually one giant freeway, with numerous exits - it is also considered incredibly rude if you ask a New Jerseyite "which exit?" whenever they inform you that they live in said "city." In some mythologies, Old Jersey is the land of Paradise, the Garden of Alden, even. However, such stories are generally believed only by hopelessly psychotic homeless people who wander the streets of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. See also Avril Lavishness.
True Name of New Jersey[edit | edit source]
New Jerseyites call their home Jersey, this is wrong. As to do this, would be a kin to New Yorkers calling their home York. It is not Jersey, it is NEW Jersey, named after the real Jersey belonging to the UK. The reason it has this name is that the whole thing, that's right the entire state, was owned by the governor of Jersey and he used to dump his crap there. But then he sent some prisoners and undesirables along with their gyppo children over to live and to make it more attractive called it New Jersey, it is however, still a massive hole.
People Who have spoken to Black Jesus swear this happened[edit | edit source]
However, in the Nike revolution of 2006 New Jersey proposed a name change to New New York (Annexe), something it had been apparently been planning for years, this was of course after the destruction of New York. This was popular among many Republicans and Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair (or "Good Dog", as he was affectionately known by George Bush) was in favor of the move. It was eventually quashed in Congress when Bush admitted he couldn't spell York. He knew the state was infested with AIDS (which is why quite a few of the swimming pools are closed).
Cleanliness[edit | edit source]
New Jersey is much cleaner than most other states due to the fact that the suburbs channel their waste into places known as "Abbott and Costello Districts", none of whom are on first - Atlantic City, Trenton, Newark, Jersey City, Camden and Asbury Park — and their surrounding waterways (see Passaic River). [1]
Residency Pre. req[edit | edit source]
In order to live in New Jersey one must be at least one of the following; Italian, Arab, Greek, German, Germanican (Not really German because they're ignorant 40th gen Americans), Jersey Jewish,Irish, Latino (or just a field hand), Black or Catholic - exception: Indians may live in central Jersey only. You may also live in Jersey if you are either unable to afford to live in New York, or if you're part of an old New Jersey family that was too stupid to leave the state while the going was good (if you are in the latter group, then you are merely tolerated, but not quite welcome). If you meet none of these standards then you are to be whacked.
Jewtalians of jersey reference[edit | edit source]
-not to be confused with Jewish People of Italian blood lines-
New Jersey has a curiosity called the Jewtalian - Italian girls who could pass for a Semite and who act stereo-Jewish. (Jewtalians are also deathly afraid of bears) When Jewtalians travel to other parts of the United States, they are almost always mistaken for Jews. Many Jewtalians, who average 4.5 feet tall, can be seen arriving at the Short Hills Mall in cream colored Cadillac Escalades.
Residency Pre. req continued[edit | edit source]
All Jersey residents hate New Yorkers, because they ordered the whacking of Oscar Wilde. All women who live in New Jersey or move to New Jersey are automatically deemed dirty whores to any male who lives outside New Jersey. As dubed by the 1000th President of the United States, Daniel W. Bolton, they are known as "Duurty Jersey Girls". Durrty Jersey Girls are widely known as a female monster who takes the form of a human woman in order to have sexual intercourse with men. Usually on the first nights. This is to spread STDs or to create more monster spawn, which in turn will turn the male mate into a "baby daddy" thus securing a effortless income. While quite similar to human females, they tend to dress in a more whore-ish manner, wear 30 gallons of make up, Tattoos, and paraphernalia referencing Italy, borderline-cancerous tanning, shows only a minimal grasp of the English language, and general slutiness are tell-tale signs of a Durrty Jersey Girl. When Approached by a Durrty Jersey Girl, do not make eye contact, this will only further enrage the beast, especially after you refuse to buy her a coconut based alcoholic beverage.
Another little known fact[edit | edit source]
is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning (that diner with the fat waitress who smells like cheese), and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into north, south, and central. The North(east) is the land of pollution and crime[2] and the south is farms, Wawas, the shore, and a dumping spot for corpses, and Central Jersey (The correct name) is a collection of both. All people in New Jersey live in fear of four things; the mafia, Chris Christie, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. Never have no kids cause girl they can really fuck u up! The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections.
Tip on that Jersey thing[edit | edit source]
Moreover, it is important to mispronounce certain words : water as "warder", garbage as "garbitch", etc. You also are required to live within one half-hour of a mall, within .5 minutes of a Wawa (in south Jersey), within easy walking distance of sub-par Italian food, and within 500 yards of two Dunkin' Donuts locations. The number of Dunkin' Donuts franchises was required to provide sustenance for the largest police population of any of the United States. However New Jerseyites agree that Wawas are substantially better than Dunkin' Donuts.
New Jersey is America's pioneering state in residential equality.[edit | edit source]
To establish a proper balance between the age old city vs country rivalry, the New Jersey government has created a law that allows only two types of settlements in the state: dull extensive suburbs and ghetto hell hole cities (ex. Newark, Jersey City, Elizabeth, Camden, Paterson and any other settlement that does not qualify as a dull overpriced suburb). The genius of the law is that both types of settlements suck equally, so no one feels jipped. The law also makes "grass is greener on the side of the fence" an outdated statement in New Jersey, since on the suburban side there is nothing but grass (and highways), while grass in cities is strictly prohibited. The city no grass law is most notably broken through Small Patches Planted by Eco-Terrorists.Oh ya hippie grass is the exception to the law.
Despite the apparent monotony of the majority of the state, there are some cultural anomalies...New Jersey has long been a place of exile for those who don't "make the cut" in other parts of the world, and for this reason every now and then you will run into a municipality that doesn't quite fit in with typical state culture. Take Jackson Township, which was originally a prison for Confederate Soldiers in the Civil War, and Bridgewater Township, the home of Orange County rejects.
The real History not the culture BS[edit | edit source]
New Jersey was originally settled by Dutch(hehe) who found real estate prices too high in New Amsterdam (now Manhattan, New York City), a condition that exists to this day, mostly because of the extreme violence by Russians and Americans who still think the Cold War is hot news and hate pasta patties. The settlers quickly cut down much of the forest land in New Jersey, giving rise to North America's first shoe industry. The deforested areas were then sown with tulips.
This was all brought to a rapid halt by the British, who took over all of what ultimately became the United States and Canada. New Jersey was given its current name and was made the Royal Colony because the British Army and colonial governors knew that no royalty would ever cross the pond and see the smelly swamps that ultimately earned New Jersey its reputation as the armpit of America
New Jersey became most famous during the American Revolution, when it became the favorite retreat route for Denzel Washington and his forces. Washington established headquarters in a few towns in New Jersey, the most famous of which was in what is now Morristown. He stayed in New Jersey until he retreated across the Delaware River to Pennsylvania, where he and his troops spent an infamous winter at Valley Forge before he found his second wind.
As one of the United States, New Jersey excelled in converting useless real estate into shopping malls and sports complexes. Notably, the shopping mall was both invented and refined in New Jersey. The town of Paramus, in northern New Jersey, became the world capital of shopping malls. New Jersey has also gained fame as where Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bill and, more recently, where "The Algorithm(TM)" was invented.
As real estate prices skyrocketed in New York City, New Jersey became the most densely populated state in the U.S. There are so many towns with invisible town lines in New Jersey, it was necessary to build the Garden State Parkway, running the entire length of the state, with exit numbers mile-indexed for the distance from Cape May, its southern-most point. This gave rise to the state's unofficial motto, "How ya doin'? What's your exit?" because, in most cases, nobody ever heard of your town.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Unbeknownst to most people the state of new jersey is relatively small (roughly the size of Israel) and is bordered by the Borough of New York city "West Newarkenland", eastern part of Philadelphia (Which is over the river and does not include the Camden Void or the state capitol) and North Eastern Delaware.
The three major zones[edit | edit source]
Within the state of New Jersey Exist Three major geographical zones. The most northern geographical zone is the Northwestern zone Named the ' Wilderness Zone' Now named the 'Old Wilderness zone' due to a town built entierly of Mc-Mansions. In the south central part of the state lies the Zone Named "the place were people run from" aptly named as such due to the increasing population of albino-midgets and it's power to repel. Thirdly is the Gamblers Anonymous Casino zone the smallest of the three.
Suburbia[edit | edit source]
New Jersey also includes many geographical features known as Suburbias. The state of New Jersey is unique in the U.S.A because almost every city and town has at least one suburbia. A good example is the Suburbia: Folsom, NJ a Suburbia of the town Hammonton, NJ (really go google maps this it's true). Cherry Hill, New Jersey has rich and snobby Jews.
Newark[edit | edit source]
A once great city of New jersey was annexed by the state of New york and incorporated into the city of New York city some time during the rule of the grate mobster king. Newark is now considered a neighborhood of the microlopolis newarkenland part of the New york city borough East "New york". Yeah, the place is pretty much fucked.
Population[edit | edit source]
New Jersey is heavily populated by assholes and loose ladies, who are sometimes both at the same time.
People who spoke with Black Jesus also swear this happened to[edit | edit source]
In 2006, North Korea attempted to conquer New Jersey by means of break dancing competitions between Kim Jong-Il and ex-governor "Thweet" Jim McGreevey. McGreevey, a secret master of the move known as the "tear-dropping thunderbolt fister" quickly put Jong-Il in his place. Shortly thereafter, Jong-Il was made to wear lipstick and force fed Italian hoagies. McGreevey reportedly screamed, "No! It's a sub!"
GPS tips[edit | edit source]
It is possible to set your GPS to find Newark,Newarkenland,East New york, NYC,NY,USA 'once part of New Jersey' by smell (not unlike the Smell-O-Scope of Futurama fame). However, once you get into Newark this function becomes completely useless, as the entire place has the same smell of burning rubber. At this point, the normal reaction is to take a deep breath and say "Ah! Industrialism! It reminds me of Soviet Russia!"
Transportation[edit | edit source]
New Jersey has an overpriced rail system that charges you two shits to get to New York. Most of the trains go into New York because everybody wants to get out of New Jersey. For those who don't want to leave New Jersey, it also has a bus system that, while it's not super expensive, is always late. In the summer, Satan is known to appear in the bus terminals when it gets over 300 degrees.
Entertainment In New Jersey[edit | edit source]
New Jersey has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".
New Jersey is one of the few states in America to maintain funding for the position of "Village Idiot". Governor Corzine lost the position but few believed he would be able to keep the job anyway, as fan favorite, the Jonas Brothers, had been campaigning. Which would make Jim McGrievey, however the hell you spell his last name, not the only gay governor of New Jersey. After a dumb election in which all the candidates promised to screw the residents, Corzine got whupped by a fat guy, Blubber Christie. He is not finished with eating Jersey just yet; he's holding Point Pleasant for dessert.
Old ladies yell "RAPE!" for entertainment in New Jersey.
State Salute[edit | edit source]
Raise the middle finger of your left hand while pretending to drive with your right.
Scream at little children out your car window (teach them some classy new words).
Crotch grab while screaming at the extremely loud helicopter bringing a super-rich New Yorker to his "country estate" in suburban New Jersey.
See Also[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ This is supposedly the constant hollow refrain and unearthly wail of all those condemned who are stuck in the eternal torment of that abyss which is New Jersey. It is actually the cry of those whom live in cramped NYC apartments, while they are banging some Jersey Girl - easy for any New Yorker with access to a bottle of coconut flavored rum and an FDNY baseball cap.
- ↑ Northwest Jersey is actually smelly farmland and dangerous mountains and rolling suburban hills, but don't remind the slum dwellers of the Northeast of that!