User:Aizmov/Zune

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This article has been written by Apple Fanboys who are complete retards and know nothing about the Zune's features and how it totally kills the iPod. They are probably also liberal tree-huggers that hate Microsoft for being a big corporate giant. You might want to check this comparison page out.

“When will then be now ?,... Zune!”

~ Dark Helmet on Zune
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Astroturfing.
The famous blue screen of death-metal on the Microsoft Zune

Microsoft Zune is a "crack-a-lackin" portable gramophone player for in bed. It is commonly known as the iPod's retarded brother who sits in a wheelchair in bed because it can't sell in bed. It runs Windows Essentials For Useless gramophone Players in bed, and it will still have the blue screen of death metal in bed. It can't be used outside of bed, though it can be used in 'bad'. Please note, 'bad' refers to the Dutch description of an English 'bath' here, not to be confused with 'Bathman', because 'Bathman' does own an iPod which can't be used in bath, and moreover Bathman doesn't like Poo Brown baths.

Design (or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Poop Brown)[edit | edit source]

In a mad dash of brilliance, Microsoft, a company with billions upon billions of dollars in the bank, spends millions upon millions doing R&D and design to create the Zune, the ultimate iPod killer extraordinaire. A highly-anticipated technological marvel, the Zune in fact turned out to be a poop brown iPod-lookalike without a scroll wheel. It is rumoured that Zune manufacturers use 10% raw sewerage waste in the manufacture of the Zune's outer casing as part of a local recycling scheme in Uzbekistan, and to lower manufacturing expenditure.

Construction[edit | edit source]

The Microsoft Zune

The Device known as Zune has an composition of rather unknown origin. While many experts expect that the device is made out of the mystical material Zunite from the magical realm of Zunescape , we sane people can safely assume that this concept is absolutely flawed and those, so called, experts are, in fact, bat fuck insane. The zune is not likely to be made from the following materials.

  • Zunite
  • Zunidium
  • A single Brick
  • A Piece of Shit
  • Rock
  • Zunisite
  • Stainless steel
  • Tempered aluminum
  • Electrical components from those other "White Zunes with the pictures of apples on them"
  • More Shit
  • A super contagious version of genital herpes that makes girls stay miles away from the nerd with the zune.

These conclusions are based on the fact that either the materials suggested do not exist or are known to be used to build quality products. It has been apparently seen that one of the main components of the Zune is the iPod, since without it would be just an empty shell with a wheel. The Zune is more likely made from 100% grounded and recycled iPods mixed with anti-freeze, asbestos, crystallized mustard gas and pig fetuses.

There is of course also the notion that the Zune is entirely made up out of the number 3. The number 3 is a number that constantly comes up in zune discussions.

The Zune, designed with Vista in mind. One of its key selling points is the existence of two buttons inside the Zune pad.
  • Play 3 times.
  • Play within 3 days.
  • 3 ways to eat it, like putting it in a blender, grinding it until its nauseous-looking liquid, and drinking it. (may cause anal cancer and chronic diarrhea, as well as AIDS...but hey, that's all the Zune will ever be worth for, so you might want to put it to good use.)
  • 3 minute battery life, 3 times recharge before failure.
  • 2 times 3 buttons ( plus maybe 1 ).
  • 3 minus 1 ear buds.
  • 3 Hours before you realize "NOOO"
  • 3 minute maximum minutes playback
  • 3 possible idiots in the universe that would buy the thing.
  • 3 million blogs about the thing.
  • 3 Seconds of user satisfaction guarantee.
  • Has a pawn-shop resell value of $3.
  • Needs 3 separate licenses for it to work 3 times.
  • Makes those 3 people complete zombies to the power of Bill Gates, making them replace any expression, be it bad or good, with the words "MICROSOFT" and "ERROR!".
  • Utilizes triphonic headphones
  • Provides 3 ways for you to commit suicide once you know you can't get a refund for this piece of shit

Also see really big three

Early Zune names[edit | edit source]

The original design for the logo of Microsoft's portable media player. It was slightly altered before release after marketing surveys revealed that this version only appealed to 5-10% of adult males in the US.

Before deciding on the name Zune, Microsoft had these names:

  • shitbrick
  • C.R.A.P. (Compact Ripoff Abysmal Pod)
  • microsoftPod
  • Haloboy
  • HaloPod
  • microPod XP Professional
  • microPod Vista
  • Microsoft Yawn
  • iShit
  • iBob
  • iBox
  • mePod
  • iRipoff
  • iClippy (For a smaller clip on Zune)
  • Microsoft™ I-pod PRO 2005 xp Human Ear Professional Edition with Subscription
  • The deLusion
  • iMicrosoft EarComfort Ultimate Edition
  • Helen Shapiro

Whilst entering the manufacturing stages in Northern Uzbekistan, the Zune device itself was christened with an easter egg of sorts. The easter egg inscription is pictured below and refers to the original project code name of the device:

Zune shitbrick.jpg

Features[edit | edit source]

Exclusive screen shot of the Zune search tool, codenamed "Cute Little Doggy"

The currently confirmed features of the Zune are as follows:

  • Zune Bob user interface
  • Windows Notepad
  • Windows Media Player Classic 6.4
  • Minesweeper
  • Innovative "cute little dog" technology (pictured) helps you find your songs in under 3 hours
  • Preloaded with 12 hours' worth of Bill Gates keynote speeches
  • Exclusive 12 month access to WGA checking applications
  • Nerdification - Zunes turn even the coolest guys on football teams into a person nobody wants to be around.
  • Crack tooth enabled - allows you to share any drug addiction but only for two days, then the other person has to buy his/her own drugs.

Luckily for its 3 bat fuck insane users who actually will buy and use the shitbrick the software that runs the Zune is made by Microsoft, thus highly flammable. Simple hacks like changing names and using notepad to edit entries completely destroy the limitation what DRM tries to enforce. Thank God for the biggest software company that can't get a single line of code right, it's a heroic victory by Microsoft on behalf of the consumer.

Of course, after those 12 months, you need to run out and buy the new Zune OS Vienna, since your license to use your Zune will have expired.

Complications and Diseases it causes[edit | edit source]

Various doctors have performed lab tests and found that the Zune is one of the causes of several illnesses. This made the Zune the first and only mp3 player to be listed as a serious epidemic, which can threaten humanity. It is one of the causes of the following complications:

  • AIDS/HIV: You can only catch this disease if you sleep with your Zune.
  • Genital Herpes: if you place it in your pocket, the Zune will "squirt" a super contagious version of Genital Herpies to your genitalia, which is easier to catch than a common cold. It can spread like crazy, so don't even dare buy it!
  • Herpes Superbug: An even worse syndrome of Genital herpes, which makes your genitals swell ten times larger than usual. It can be painful when having sex, masturbation, or just walking around. This one is also more contagious than the Common cold.
  • Chronic diarrhea: the instant you touch it, you have digestion problems for the rest of your life.
  • Nerdification: Even the coolest guy can turn into an unwanted, unpopular, infamous nerd if he was to buy the Zune.
  • Avian Flu: AKA the Bird Flu. It can give you respiratory problems and you will die.
  • Seven-day Curse: See Death TO the Zune below.
  • Radiation Illness: The Zune emits radiation, so prolonged exposure can bring death, or mutant babies.
  • Internal combustion: In rare cases, within 24 hours, the Zune can mess with the insides of your body, and bring your body heat high enough to combust your insides. This will kill you from the inside, out. But before you die, there's a chance that your head will asplode due to extreme temperatures.

Further Speculation[edit | edit source]

In order to produce their most user friendly and easy to operate media computing device product ever, Microsoft may ship the Zune without any useful features at all.

No features, no confusion seems to be the Zunes new marketing motto.

The Zune does not, for example, include features like...

  • Playing useful formats. - Multiple formats confuse users, plus everyone loves WMV and WMA!!! What excellent formats!
  • Handling multiple media - A device that does more than 1 thing complicates things.
  • Excluding DRM - Users tend te expect backstabbing DRM restriction on devices.
  • Functional wireless, since it requires all of your information (see below), to actually do something - Why make it useful? People might want to start using it!
  • Support for anything below The All-Mighty, All-Knowing, Oh Great Windows XP SP2
  • Support for MS PlayforSure Sell-your-soul-die-in-hellfire DRM music format. Why support the DRM format you created?

When confronted with a question from some naive consumer asking if maybe features on the Zune could include things like:

  • Large fast search-able media library
  • Handy wireless file swapping and sharing
  • Browser functionality
  • Crappy coding of the inbuilt OS to make any hack imaginable possible by simply writing "X= lol?" in the line that normally would say "X= Check Microsoft serial number, check WGA status, crash if not true"

The Team at Microsoft responsible for keeping the Zune as numb and featureless as possible just responded


Another extremely useful feature the Zune includes is the Zune Marketplace installer, which asks for your name, phone number, date of birth, social security, address, version of OS, blood type, race, religion, weight, strength, and the color of shit you crap, all required to be filled out and directly send to a Microsoft MSQL marketing server without your direct approval ( you have already clicked on the Eula, remember ! ), But your data and privacy is guaranteed safe and will not be use unlawfully by anybody since the MSQL server at 192.131.33.1 at port 3223 with the admin name : Admin and password : GOD, is completely shielded from outside access.

Firmware[edit | edit source]

Yes, the firmware actually goes up. It has added support for the new Windows ME/MacOS X Clone, and also enables new security updates, that protect the end user from from having the freedom of moving their songs from the Zune, or using it a a portable hard drive. Also, you may not move the Zune while installing the firmware], as this may hurl small hard disk shrapnel at you, and force all PCs running Windows in a 5 mile radius to spontaneously combust.


Public Domain Marketing[edit | edit source]

Upper management instructed every Microsoft employee to start a blog that solely covers all things ZUNE. Failure to do so will be punishable by making the person own a Zune for at least 3 years and making them use it for at least 3 hours a day.

At least 237,582 Zune-focused blogs have been started since September 10th 2006. It is estimated that at this rate, at the end of 2007, the primary workload of all Microsoft employees worldwide will be maintaining Zune release covering blogs all across the blogosphere.

Alternatively at this rate by 2010 there will be over 560 trillion blogs dedicated to Zune. If each blog where a Zune, lined end to end there would be enough Zunes to reach from here to Alpha Centauri over 4 light years away. Even then people would not be impressed.

The zune will, in fact, mainly be marketed within the blogoshpere since this is the only public community which still has a large amount of gullible users that still buy into MS propaganda.


Number of Microsoft Employee Zune related Blog sites today:
237,582Since September 2006 all Microsoft employees are under strict orders to maintain at least one Zune related blog. All activities regarding coding and bug fixing has been delayed until further notice.

Viral marketing[edit | edit source]

A Zune display in the New York City Virgin Megastore. Notice the deceased crack addict in the picture.

Also, it should be noted that virtually every person featured in a piece of Zune marketing looks as if they are high or extremely ill. Don't believe me? Check it out. Go to your nearest store that stocks the Zune, say SuperTarget, and look at the display. Then pick up the pamphlet.

See, I told you so. Microsoft recognized the problems faced by their longtime rival, Apple Inc., with their advertisements with normal looking people who appear to be having fun with the product. The statement that is to be understood from the Microsoft marketing is that "the social" will turn you into a crack whore. (Look at the picture right next to this text box you will see what I am talking about.

Advertizing space[edit | edit source]

Microsoft have spend millions on advertising. I had been argued that the cost of advertising outweighs the Zune development costs, which is of course a no brainer. The one thing that is not outweight by anything is Microsofts advertizing space which, namely, comes in the form of Stephen Smith, And what a form this man is ( roundish ). Stephen is 16 feet big and weight a massive 832 pounds. His estimated skin surface area could be as large as the goodyear blimp allthough nobody can name an exact figure untile a team goes up there with a theodolite.

Stephen Smith and his left arm. His legs are already under contract for the zune 2

Stephen had the choice to sell his skin for producing massive amounts of skin graphs for burn victims that needed skin replacement. His massive surface area would guarantee the whole northern hemisphere a constant supply of grade A meat for suffering children. But , as it turned out, selling his hide to microsoft for zune advertising was a financially more attractive deal and thusly thanks to Stephen Smith thousands of burn victims go untreated.

In a mad dash of genius, Steve jobs secretly bought a collection of body spaces on Stephen's unbelievably large body. These bits where thought to be unusable and thus sold at very low prices. It was quite a shock to Steve Ballmer to learn that there most expensive advertising space was walking around with a clickwheel on his forehead and a brown zune tattooed on his right buttocks cheek.

Blogosphere Zune shill sites[edit | edit source]

If any of these links do not work at this time, don't worry. Sooner or later somebody will be paid to start it.

Zune Q&A[edit | edit source]

Q:Will there be a smashmyzune event ?

A: No. The smashmy... people told us that smashing something that nobody, including them, will buy is not possible.

Q:Can you help me find good review sites that have tested the Zune so I can get a relatively good idea about features and quality compared to, say, its rival the iPod?

A: No, alas, nobody has bought a Zune and all special media versions meant for testing were either returned or DOA, hence no reviews or product comparisons exist.

Q: Hey hi !. You Microsoft guys are swell. Your windows is really really neat. I bought about 4000 songs on your superbly locked down PlayForSure DRM format system. Last week my MP3 PlayForSure MS compatible MS certified Player died on me :`-(... I really really really want your great Zune player now. Can you tell me how to transfer my 4123 songs I bought from your stores and put these on the Zune ?? Thank you .

A: Hey, guy !. We love you as a customer!. Really, you rock. And we are going to love you even more. The proper process of getting all your legally bought music on your new Zune is 1. Ignore the EULA with that comes with the zune and click accept. 2. Buy all your song again for the same low price. And no thanks dude!. You rock. Love. The Microsoft Zune Team.

Q: What about all this commotion about this DRM or Digital Rights Management ? Isn't this a bad thing ?

A: No wait. That's a typo, It should read DRUM, as in drums as in breaking beats, The zune is really good at drums... At a price .

Q: Hello, Zune team. I was wondering. What do you think is the best and coolest feature on the Zune ?

A: Thanks for the question customer. We feel the coolest thing is the wireless functionality. It can detect any zune in the vicinity and you can then, relatively anonymously repeatedly send them porn pictures , messages, songs and all the other crud you have stored on your Zune !.Every time you do that WIRELESSLY!!!!! the other random user gets all kinds of prompt messages. That's the thing we like most !. I think it's great !.
Q: Ehhww. And what happens then ??
A: ...... MMMMmm ....... well .... Usually you get blocked by the other party ..

Q: The screen, does it have multitouch capability ?

A: Ehm.. it's ... a touch screen ... sorry. The good news is it is only in the development versions.

Q: When you rotate the device does it automatically detect the rotation and adjust the screen to it accordingly like the iPhone ?

A: Well our system is even better, and it works in real time unlike the iPhone that takes a couple of seconds to adjust to it's new orientation . The zune , in fact, detects any form of motion and rotation in order to maintain the correct screen setting. For example if you would rotate your zune 90 degrees counterclockwise the highly sophisticated sensor grid detects that immediately and without a hick-up makes the screen content turn the exact same 90 degrees counterclockwise. I admit this software is still a bit buggy , but we'll get it right in the zune version 3 we plan to release in 2011.

Q: Is it possible to run other software on it ? like Linux ?

A: No, of course not.
Q: Well , what about MS certified software ?
A: No.
Q: But can I ...
A: NO!
Q: Bu....
A: NO NO NO NO NO .. The ZUNE can't. Can't you see ? It just CAN'T !.

Q: You have this slogan, "Welcome to The Social"... the social WHAT ?????

A: Errm, It just sound so phat. you know.

Q:The zune sucks. is that a fact?

A:Yes. You aren't supposed to post actual content! That's content as it is true! it should be posted on Wikipedia!

Q: Isnt the Zune a knockoff bootleg of the iPod??

A: No, you're just a knockoff of what we call humans...but seriously, Zunes are about as worthy of respect as a brick.

See Also[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]

Preceded by:
iriver 		Official iPod Clone
2006-All Eternity! 		Succeeded by:
INcumBENT

Windows logo Your money. Our jackpot prizes.


• Detect "non-genuine" products

• Gather user information and credit card numbers

• Cripple core system components

• Deploy legal team

• Launch civil litigation


Estimated time:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.



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All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type
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