The Social

Welcome consumer.

Welcome to this article. You must have been wondering why you are reading this article, why you have not clicked on the random page button on your left 3 times since you read the first line of text. You are here, reading this article because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You have felt it all your life. Do you want to know what ... The Social is ?

What is ... The Social ?

“Do you want to know what IT is ?”

~ Bill Gates on asking you about information technology

For years the consumer had the opportunity to ask themselves the question. Not just any question, but a question so deep and profound that the implementations associated with it's answer are of almost biblical proportions. Unfortunately nobody can be .. told .. what ... The Social is. You have to see it for yourself.

The Social is everywhere, It's all around us, even now in this very article. You can see it when you use windows, you can smell it on the crapper and you feel it when you download your MP3's. It is in fact The biggest social network with the largest amount of content, feelings , moods and contacts in the multiverse. It would connect every living soul on earth in a giant mesh of social interacting and content sharing bliss. The Social binds people of all race and religion into one global Utopian group of friends, That is, if it would actually exist.

So asking what IT is is a bit futile, since .. The Social, does not exists. What you should you be asking then ? What is ... The Social if it did exist ? And .. Why the hell am I typing The Social in bold ? It isn't anything special.

For us to give you the answer to this question you will have to make a choice. You take the shiny pearly white pill, you will wake up in your bed believing... that was is simply is true and real but very very mundane and boring. But if you take the Brown pill, you will learn about a nonexistent fantasy world created for the sole purpose of making you feel warm and fuzzy about ... The Social ( whoops did it again ).

What is ... The Social, if it would actually exist ?

Beginning

Envisioned by Steve Ballmer , The Social is a giant social network of connected people who are enabled by .. The Social to easily squirt lots of stuff to each other. Wait, that does not sound right...

Beginning, Take 2

Invented By Microsoft , The Social can squirt it's users with .. No, stop that does not sound right either.

Beginning, Take 3

The Social is a network of connected users that can share content using there brown ,black or white Zune device by squirting each other. Awww. Fuck this.

Goddamb the socials beginnen for peet's sake, AND GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME

Look . Squiring each other or not, The Social is a tasteless badly chosen marketing brain-fart that represents a paradigm that in itself could , in theory, connect people using certain devices that contain files to share these in a social and open manner. But , alas, The Social does not exist. The Social is not even a fab for the simple reason that nobody cares. The main reasons why The Social is yet another marketing failure are the following :

• It's a costumer belittling concept
• The Social is only supported by the zune MP3 player and who fucking owns a shitbrown zune ?
• Everybody is sick of poorly designed pushy marketing schemes

And even if you do ( you poor misguided person ) get a zune the chances of you meeting any other person WITH a Zune WILLING to waste battery-life on broken wireless connectivity and WILLING to share music or his ugly kids photos with you that YOU would actually WANT is just about Five gazillion to 1.

“If somebody would .. squirt me, I'd break his legs”

~ Mr.T on The social

• If you use ... The Social you will only be able to use the shared .. The Social 3 times in 3 days.

So somebody actually DID SQUIRT you that nice CC licensed super social song over .. The Social ( which you are welcome to ). To bad that just before you start liking the super social song with CC license the Not So Social Zune device kills the Social song experience because you are a music stealing criminal by default.

So ... The Social is just a marketing gimmick ?

Well, yes. The social is a phrase made up by jet-set slick suits from suburbia thought up just to be put into the AstroTurf cocktail needed to promote a poorly devised music player. But the phrase is more then just that. The catchphrase Welcome to the social is special in many different ways. As an example , the scheme itself fails in just about every goal it could try to reach.

1. Making sense

Microsoft want to be hip ? Well then lets get a random adjective and turn it into a noun. There! The social. Great , now we need do something with our newly found ... Social . Lets welcome people to it. In a friendly way , Yes ! Welcome to the social. The slogan is constructed in such a way that people get so confused by it that wondering what the hell it really is never seems happen. ( but alas it fails at that ).

2. Being hip and fresh

While trying to compete with super hip hipster is the cool market like Apple and Nike Most hip-wannabe marketing schemes are as hip and fresh in much the same what that V1agrA spam and toilet-cleaner ads are.

The Social around the world

• German : Das Sozial . Sound a bit ...NSDAPish
• Dutch : Het Sociaal
• Russian : Социальное . Or , In Russia the Социальное Squirts YOU!

See also

• zune
• Microsoft
• iPod
• Steve Ballmer

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