“**IMPORTANT NOTICE** –— Repossession effective as of June 18...”
“In America, bank rob YOU!!!”
“In Soviet Russia, oh wait thats still a capitalist america joke.”
The Bank is a financial institution that grows and farms the money plant and generally serves as the focal point of bank heist films. It is a generally accepted fact that banks are smarter, faster, and altogether more powerful than any mere mortal. As the bank operates in a state of collective consciousness, most banks are currently being independently licensed and remotely controlled via tel-com satellites (developed in association with communications giant Skynet).
Unlike similar centers of commerce, banks are not gender-specific, and have become specialized over the years to better meet the needs of the business community: for example, the rising number of "accidents" in American banking establishments led to individual sperm deposit boxes, and then to the stand-alone First National Bank of Sperm.
What Does a Bank Look Like?[edit | edit source]
You can generally recognize the bank by the monolithic, windowless exterior, marked only by peculiar hieroglyphic-like inscriptions (some of which may be smeared with blood, or semen, depending on the aforementioned level of specialization). Inside of the bank is a complex maze of stairs and cubicles divided only by a number of miscellaneous, motionless lines of bank patrons. Sometimes in these banks, a conservatively-dressed, middle-aged woman will come over and falsely smile at you. While this esoteric practice may seem superfluous, it is actually still employed as a deterrent to potential robbers and/or terrorists; a polite smile is not necessary, but it will generally help in expediting the woman's departure from your line of vision.
Banks also feature another outdated technology: the all-purpose security guard. He can generally be found sleeping soundly by the door, pastrami sandwich precariously teetering off the edge of his mountainous stomach. Due to their potential for malfunction, many banks have replaced their guards with more a more cost-effective alternative: mannequins.
Once you battle your way past the guards and old women, you encounter the bank's final design flaw: the teller. Though the teller has been proven ineffective and altogether inferior to their automatic counterparts, banks keep their human tellers in order to give the customer a sense of security; while a machine might steal your hard-earned money, the hot blonde teller with big tits certainly wouldn't.. right?
What does a bank do?[edit | edit source]
- A banks main job is to lend money it does not have, to people who can't afford to buy things, from producers who borrow money from banks to make the products. This is what is called a "false economy" but over the past few centuries and constant convincing from the government, people who own the banks and pretty much everyone else, this has become a "stable" industry.
Every now and then somebody realises that this kind of business is not stable and if this person is involved in running the bank will become more cautious about lending money i.e. will be responsible. Unfortunately when this happens it affects everyone along the chain who was used to borrowing money on vague assurances that their house is worth as much as the slick looking estate agent says. Therefore these people can no longer afford to buy goods and services which hence effects the people who provide these which then effects the people who produce these which eventually leads to increased unemployment, crime and can cause a baby boom (similar to that after the second world war).
So in summary the banks are the reason chavs can afford Burberry and first time buyers can afford houses… or nearly afford houses.
How Safe is My Money?[edit | edit source]
What banks lose in points for their archaic security guards and tellers, they gain back double for their superior protection of your cash. Unfortunately for some customers, the bank may be too careful with your funds: so much so that they move said funds into their own accounts rather than yours. This is not a problem however -- modern banks have the most sophisticated and genuinely-concerned technical support and help lines in all of the business world.
Being that banks want only what's best for their clients, all the money of the bank is stored in big glass containers right behind the teller's counter. Dollars are dumped in and removed via a large crane apparatus (only 25 cents a try!). The larger, more seemingly-accessible the bank's containers appear, the more prominent a bank is considered. For example, the bank of the Walt Disney Corporation is the only known bank with windows -- windows which were installed solely to exhibit the bank's massive money containers (customarily displayed with prominence during The Holiday Season).
Some banks used a method of storage known as the Honor System. HS transfers involve converting paper money into binary code and electronically transmitting the bills from the bank directly into your home. The system is often abused, leading to huge bandwidth violations certain in metropolitan areas. The honor system is also employed in the hotel industry as a method of instantly beaming alcoholic beverages from the source hub (or "Honor Bar") directly into guest's bloodstream. Neither industries have perfected the technology.
Bank Holidays[edit | edit source]
Bank Holidays are a common pastime throughout Great Britain and modern Europe (excluding France, as it doesn't contain any money). They are days when a bank or building society actually packs it's bags and goes on a jolly, usually to Skegness or Tenerife. (Such destinations enjoy a huge economic boom on bank holidays). Bank Holidays are of huge annoyance to the general public as no banking is possible on these days, especially at ATMs (Awesome Time Machines), the operators of the ATM (who sit inside the machine during the working week) must be allowed to take time off on the bank holiday too. Much of the cash that is in circulation on a bank holiday will have been obtained the day prior to (or after in rare situations) the holiday by diligent and monetary minded individuals, the remainder of cash will be counterfeit or not even there whatsoever. Even the most careful of publicans may find withdrawaing their money difficult on these days though as there is no formal bank holiday identification guide to date, bank holidays often creep up without warning and most calenders will not display bank holidays as caldender manufacturers are not paid for including bank holidays in their calender. Some cash machines have been rumoured to still be functional on a bank holiday though none have ever been officially documented, it is theorised that the cash machines within the major banks (Such as HSBC, Natwest, Santander and Barnacle's Fisheries) are active on bank holidays, but as the banks are closed and no-one is allowed in (Even employees and branch managers are prohibited), no-one has been able to prove or disprove this theory. Scienticians report that the next bank holiday will be on or around October 2011, although expect banking propaganda to falsely advertise the bank holiday in an effort to spread confusion; to surface nearer the time of the alleged bank holiday.
Banks and Theft[edit | edit source]
The high number of storylines in comic books and science fiction movies involving botched bank theft has lead to a general misconception that such a practice is impossible. This is in fact quite the opposite -- several reports on large-scale bank theft have been filed, some as recent as 2008. Despite research to the contrary, bank thefts ARE preventable.
In addition to these major bank jackings, petty theft and robbery can also occur in or near banks. These situations are also 100% preventable.
How to Prevent Theft[edit | edit source]
- Create and maintain a secure structural foundation. Thieves are regular people, not body builders; thus, the stronger your building is built, the harder it will be to steal.
- Carry a handgun at all times. Though most states require permits for concealed weapons, banks are considered sovereign entities and are exempt from this rule.
- Carry all your money with you at once. It is much easier to protect all your funds in one fight than to encounter numerous individual battles for fractions of your savings.
How to Commit Theft[edit | edit source]
- Get an heavily armored transport to use as a battering ram.
- Use assault rifles or other heavy weapons during a robbery.
- Make sure the assault rifles are AK-47's due to their classic history of use in this field. NOTE: If successful you will unlock the "KEEPING KALASHNIKOV KLASSY" achievement.
- Pack plenty of ammo in case you encounter a lot of possible police pressence.
- Never be afraid to pack a shoulder mounted LAW or RPG just in case you see a S.W.A.T van pull in. NOTE: If successful you will unlock the "SHIT JUST GOT REAL" achievement.
- Night Time is the best time to rob a bank, but robbing a bank during the day is good for a challenge and builds confidence in trying it again.
- Make sure to take out armed bank guards due to the fact it makes the job easier. Plus you will unlock the "BAD BOYS BAD BOYS" achievement.
- Wear ski masks to not only hide you're identity, but to make everyone confused in thinking you and you're fellow robbers are members of the IRA.
- Speak with an Irish accent to complete the above tip. NOTE: If successful you will unlock the "LUCK OF THE IRISH" achievement.
- If you encounter an attractive teller say she is hot, or something flattering. NOTE: Even though she may be still frightened deep down she's still flattered plus you will unlock the "GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!" achievement.
- If you take hostages make sure "orange soda" is in your list of demands. NOTE: If successful you will unlock the "KEL LOVES ORANGE SODA" achievement.
- Armor piercing rounds are not a bad idea.;)
- Carry some TNT with a defective plunger for a classic effect. NOTE: You will unlock the "THAT'S ALL FOLKS" achievement.
- Carry C-4 for those thick and tough vaults.
- Shoot a hostage to not only make the cops know your serious, but to get some credible respect from the cops.
- Gold bars just complicates things unless you like a challenge. NOTE: If successful you will unlock the "GOLD RUSH" achievement.
- Make sure you go for $50's $100's becauses $1's just don't cut it in the end.
- Make sure you have an escape plan.
- Make sure the escape plan works. NOTE: If successsful you will unlock the "CRIME DOES PAY" achievement.
Bankers and Theft[edit | edit source]
Bankers usually are stolen by bankersnatches.
History of Stolen Bankers[edit | edit source]
Theft of bankers was a major obstacle to the development of modern financial markets. In the 16th century the first banker has been stolen by a bankersnatch in Belgium. After his rescue from the bankersnatch, Marcus Gheeraerts the Elder made an etching of the banker. The banker was very nervous and shifty, so it took Gheeraers two years to finish his work. During the sittings, he had to keep the banker on a strict chocolate diet in order to prevent him from shifting around his assets. After the chocolate reserves of Belgium had been used up, Gheeraerts had to escape to an exile in England. His adventureous travel to the rocky island inspired Lewis Carroll in the year 1874 to write the ballad "The Hunting of the Snark". Henry Holiday did the illustrations and translated Gheerhaerts' etching from the Dutch "Allegorie op de Bankenstorm" into English: "The Banker's Face".
How to Prevent Theft of Bankers[edit | edit source]
As part of the tool set required in modern financial markets, "bad banks" have been set up which can serve as bankersnatch traps. Negative money is deposited in these banks and also in the pockets of their bankers. After swallowing such a curageous banker, the bankersnatch implodes. After the implosion, the bankers often are in bad shape. It has been reported, that their faces turn black and their business suits turn white in the process. Therefore banks now plan to outsource the challenging work of bad bank bankers to their clients. In order not to destroy the confidence of customers too early, first only the task of operating bank terminals had been transferred to the customers. Such a task is called "home banking". After the customers would feel comfortable with such kind of work, more tasks will be outsourced to them. This is an ongoing process which is well on schedule. In the end the customers will run small but complete bad bank branches themselves, after the bankers have supplied enough negative money to them. Such supplies are called "rescue packets".
Banking Techniques[edit | edit source]
As of the Great Crisis of 2008 (and 2009, so far), Banks have put in place several new security protocols that are meant to prevent people from losing their money and becoming poor. This was first suggested by the US government, which spent about 8,700 billion dollars on the program. The rest went into funnel cakes and Pokémon stickers. Here are a few of those protocols, as they will be useful to the general public, and the specific public as well.
- ATM Machines: As of Novembre of 2008, a person is required to follow a certain protocol when withdrawing money from an ATM Machine.
Number 1: It is necessary to give the ATM Machine a good kick every 89 seconds for it to work properly. The kick must be hard enough to make a "klonking" sound so people waiting in line can hear it. Be athletic, raise your foot behind you in a manner that strikes the next in line then give a little jump back as the ATM is hit. Notice: avoid kicking the screen because cracks will prevent you from seeing how much money you owe the bank. Also, if you are not a ninja, kicking the screen may lead to injuries which your health plan will not cover.
Number 2: Another important part is cursing. Every 2 minutes you must call the ATM, the bank, the president of the FED or the current president of the country by a less than flattering name. Examples: "What the fuck do you mean I only have 23 dollars, you shit machine?". "You fucking better believe I'm getting in touch with an operator fucking piece of shit bank of asshole america". Or, simply: "Give me my money, bitch!".
Number 12: Remember to, always, look at the person behind you in line and express your frustration, so they know what to expect. Standard approaches are: "Do you believe this shit?" and "You're laughing now fuckhead, but wait until you check YOUR account".
Number 1-million and 12-hundred-thousand dollars: To deposit, you need to insert your poo card Your credit card, made out of poo.
- Bank managers and other personnel: To speed things up in banks, there are a few things you should do when talking to the people who work there.
Number 1: You might need a loan to pay your bills or simply start a new business, such as a language school that teaches only Klingon or a gift shop at the cemetery. In this situation you should always address the bank employee as asshole. "Listen asshole, I need some fucking money!", is always a good start.
Number 2: When you ask for a loan it is customary for the bank person to ask how you intend to pay it back. In the last four decades banks would accept your collection of porn or your grandmother as collateral. But that now has changed. As of 2008, they require crazy stuff like having a job, a car (that is not stolen) or having another person who will pay the loan back if you cannot. This may shock a lot of people, but it is true.
- Mortgages: Since a few people have trouble paying their mortgages, here are a few reminders that banks are now giving out.
Number 1: Your house is not a fucking gold mine asshole! If you keep taking our money and using your home as collateral we will take it away from you and make you live on the street.
Number 2: Jesus F****** Christ, how stupid can you be? Do you understand what "fixed rate mortgage (FRM)" and "adjustable rate mortgage (ARM)" mean? Well, neither do I. But I didn't sign a fucking piece of paper with words I don't understand printed on them, did I?
Number 3: Furthermore, the eastern economy will collapse and Islam will take over the world because: "The Sharia law of Islam prohibits the payment or receipt of interest, which means that practising Muslims cannot use conventional mortgages". The know-it-alls at Wikipedia have an article that supposedly has some "facts" about this subject here.
Alternate Usages[edit | edit source]
The notoriety of modern banking establishments has inspired slang terminology in the United States and parts of Uruguay. To be "Bankin'" or to have "Mad Bank" implies a great deal of wealth or extravagance. This usage implies that a person has acquired great riches at a fast pace (often linked to illegal activities), just like The Bank.
It can also refer to the part of the ocean containing sand.
Famous Banks[edit | edit source]
- First National Bank of International Banking
- Second National Bank of Bank (See Alternate Usages)
- Lloyd Banks
- That bank they robbed in Point Break
- Tyra Banks
- Bank that ass up
- Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
- Uncle Phil
- People with the last names "Silverstein, Goldman, Goldstein, Green, Greenstein, Greenblatt or Rosenberg."
- the girl on wwe who's related to snoop. I think her name was Johnny Cash? No, that's not right. Sasha something. SHIT.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- bankersnatches are bandersnatch mutations and belong to the jabberwockies.
- As documented, Henry Holiday copied elements of drawings from other painters into his illustrations in order to run an experiment in cognitive psychology. He wanted to prove, that even if people can see something clearly, they can fail to recognize it.
- Due to the acoustic side effects, the implosion is called "boojum".