Sexual intercourse
“By far the most prudent method of advancing this country!”
“That was the worst performance I’ve ever seen.”
“When thou art in, continue firm and constant.”
Sexual Intercourse (from the Greek, χλαμύδα meaning "cloak") is a common illness in humans caused by the bacterium Chlamydia trachomatis. It is generally accepted and confirmed by numerous studies that the most common cause of Sexual Intercourse is poor hygiene. Sexual Intercourse is not known to be fatal but can incur permanent scarring and blistering, itchy patches of skin. It is estimated that between seven and eight thousand cases of Sexual Intercourse get contracted each night in Europe alone, though the majority of these cases are usually mild, unnoticeable, and short-lived. In 2006 a campaign was started to increase awareness of Sexual Intercourse by wearing a pink ribbon tied in a loop with a pink matchstick penetrating the loop. The matchstick was later removed from the ribbons as it was seen by many to be in poor taste (as the production of pink matchsticks from the urethra is a common symptom of Sexual Intercourse), but it remains in the campaign's illustrations and logo.
From Dictionary of Catchphrases (1995) by Nigel Rees: "'Close your eyes and think of England,' is the traditional advice given to women when confronted with the inevitability of intercourse – or jocular encouragement to either sex about doing anything unpalatable."
History[edit | edit source]
For thousands of years, population growth were superstitiously believed to be a result of storks, wizards, divine intervention, natural disasters and lying down in fields of buckwheat. Ancient people just couldn't put two and two together, and blissfully lived in the wonderful realm of ignorance. However, with the result of intensive studies and modern double-blind trials, modern science has definitively confirmed what a few misunderstood visionaries had been arguing for centuries - that babies come from sex. This knowledge has resulted in a great deal of shame in catholic cultures. Even in modern Spain a sufferer of the disease is derogatorily referred to as "la embarazada".
Sexual intercourse in art[edit | edit source]
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By 195 BC, the Romans gave pornographic sacrifices to the Roman gods. In response to these kind offerings, Venus became one of Greece's most famous (and erotic) pornography actresses. She would go on to film the classic blockbuster hits: Wrath of the Titan Babes, Oops! A Trouser Snake Entered Me!, Bye Bye Birdie, Venus Takes It In The Ass, and its sequel; Venus Takes It TWICE As Much In The Ass: Revenge of Poseidon.
But of course, only the Gods could see these films. Back then, the Romans didn't have color on their TVs. In fact, they didn't have any TVs at all. One (as in a mortal) could only view these films if they were favored by the deities, high on weed, sex slaves of the deities, deities, a cast member of the films, or exceed the expectation for an average Roman man's ninjutsu.
Sexuality in religion[edit | edit source]
God has been mainly instructive in explaining how it is to happen. He has scrapped plans for asexual beings or made them insects in order that sex is properly celebrated. The Bible has a step by step manual and even a copyright notice stating that no more material can be quoted from there without allowing the writer here to demonstrate an actual act with a female of his choosing.
Kama Sutra is an Indian version of the Bible with an altered copyright notice: "No text, graphics, depiction created here can be duplicated by any party be it in digital, electronic, braille, memory or sculpture without the prior written consent of the Creator. Otherwise you may be condemned to be stuck in a decided position and not be allowed further room for interaction. Every subsequent version must not use previous technique shown without direct consent."
Since God was not contactable in most cases, the Kama Sutra ended up with a different position for each night it was put to practice.
All in the family[edit | edit source]
Sex within the family or incest is now returning to fashion. The parents have reduced sexual contact between themselves and mostly keep to once a year. This is to make room for the daughter and son or cousin et cetera to take up the available slots with the parents and this has greatly removed marital problems. In some cases, it removes completely the marriage. In cases of divorce where there is absence of a parent, the siblings may create moresomes among themselves.
In some Scandinavian countries, family homes have special bunkers or basements that are subsidised by the government if you are to fill in a simple application form.
- Purpose of renovating basement – confining daughter inside without hope of escape.
- Duration – until daughter delivers babies and they grow up to be law-abiding citizens.
Each born child may receive a reward if they are able to pass an IQ test and win the treasure hunt to find a way out of the basement. First prize includes $10,000 per speaking fee and a world tour.
A dramatised film was produced in 3030 based on confined women entitled Fritzl the Cat.
With animals[edit | edit source]
This trend is dying out due to the recent SPCA preference that crocodiles and stingrays be protected from bestiality in domestic settings. Now many individuals are getting sick due to bites and scratches when having intercourse with the remaining house pets such as dogs and cats. There are reported shortages of AIDS treatment for four legged animals. However insurance companies are considering giving coverage to animals if the owners are to register them as sex-workers and send them for regular cat-scans. And your penis is growing too too long!
With inanimate objects[edit | edit source]
- Lamps
- Door keyholes
- Plush toys
- A forklift
- A surgical glove
- Whilst choosing your next set of clothing
- On a public bench
- After graffitiing a picture of a naked person on a brick wall then testing out the wall's foundation with your penis
