User:Lobster Jesus Saves
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“Boil for eight to ten minutes and serve with a clarified butter sauce for a great seafood dinner!”
“He can save ME anytime.”
“She's a sadist, I tell you! She's one sent by the Oysters that crucified me!!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!”
“Serve with butter and squeesze of lemon. Easy, elegant dining for two.”
“In Soviet Russia, Lobster boil you!”
Lobster Jesus, besides being the BEST false god there is, was also in the band Bright Red Paper. Why is he the best false god there is? HE LETS HIMSELF BE EATEN WITH BUTTER SAUCE FOR OUR SINS, FOR CHRISSAKES!
The Birth[edit | edit source]
So, Jesus was born in a Manger, supposedly. Note how I use supposedly.
And if you believe that I've got a bridge in London to sell you.
Lobster Jesus was born in a certain Red Lobster in Gray, Maine on December 25, 1991. The boiling hot water was a sort of divine intervention to awaken his senses and bring him to life.
You know how lobsters "scream", though it's actually just the steam in the shell destroying the muscle tendons or whatever other crap there is to destroy?
(That was how they knew he was different.)
The Death[edit | edit source]
Lobster Jesus dies once a year. That's it. Ever since 1991, he died once a year, but came back three days later.
He was crucified by the hell-bound Oysters and the picture shows what ended up happening.
Rumor has it that he was killed because he was once an oyster but changed when he was twelve.
Satan Shrimp: Lobster Jesus' Worst Enemy[edit | edit source]
Satan Shrimp is the worst thing in existence, I swear. He is the one that, when you go to hell, will fry you and serve you with cocktail sauce until the end of time.
He looks something like this.
Random Facts About Lobster Jesus[edit | edit source]
- Pilgrimage involves being blindfolded and letting only the light of Lobster Jesus guide your way. This means no walking sticks, seeing-eye dogs, or non-believing friends. Anyone who survives like this for seven years is truly blessed by Lobster Jesus. Wimpier believers can make a pilgrimage to Maine, Lobster Jesus's home state. Bonus if you bomb a seafood restaurant.
- Remember kids, eat Oysters, not lobster!
- Rumor has it, Lobster Jesus was once an oyster.
- Rumor ALSO has it that Lobster Jesus bought advertising space from Jesus In Your Cup.
- Lobster Jesus says that he only left Bright Red Paper because "It was time for me to die again. I couldn't help it. They always had a problem with me dying on Christmas every year."
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||