Hello Kitty
| Heil Kitteh the 1st | |
| |
| Date of birth | 6th June, 1986 |
| Died | March 14th, 2040 |
| Occupation | Nazi Leader of the Kittens |
| Affiliated with | Kitler, Naoto Kan |
| Ruled | January 7th, 2009 - November 18th, 2031 |
| Cause of Death | Suicide |
Hello Kitty was the main export of South China during the third and fourth centuries CE. Limited edition models were created to trade to Northern Chinese millet farmers so they could hang special posters and such up in their yurts. This was wildly successful and eventually the Southern Chinese craftsmen were able to found the modern nation of Tibet. In later years Hell o' Kitty became a propaganda device utilized by the central intelligence division of the Japanese government, S.A.N.R.I.O. (Sacled Ancestol Nihonjin Rove Itarian Octopus) made entirely out of pureed cat corpses and Play-Doh. This is the most common use of Hello Kitty today.
Hello Propaganda
Since Hello Kitty first appeared, she has been used in numerous propaganda campaigns of the Japanese government.
Attempt Make women more submissive
Background In 1939 a man in the crowded Ginza district of Tokyo was openly admonished by a woman in a loud voice that the man "raped her brutishly", when she had in actuality desired to be raped more gently, and wanted more dramatic buildup before he began. Not surprisingly, the man committed suicide out of shame two days later, prompting the Japanese government to implement Hello Kitty for the first time. Hello Kitty, with her lack of mouth, demonstrated in a series of posters and women's magazine advertisements the virtue of "bitches shutting the fuck up". She thinks all of u are SEXY!!! ☺
Result Mild success
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Attempt Ease the hunger pangs of a starving wartime Japanese population
Background During WWII the mouthless aspect of Hello Kitty was emphasized once again, this time to represent the empirical Japanese ideal of not eating food, and rather putting money toward the production of a gigantic robot to be piloted by a pre-pubescent boy to annihilate the Allies.
Result Failure. People were still hungry. The finished product of the giant robot didn't look cool enough and thus was scrapped.
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Attempt Make women temporarily uninterested in sex with men
Background In the American Occupation era, Japan was visited by throngs of horny white men who wanted nothing more than a little sushi action. In order to preserve Japanese Purity, the Hello Kitty Vibrator was developed by the Japanese government in hopes of satiating the carnal desires of their women.
Result Failure. Most Japanese women opted for doubling their pleasure by using the vibrator anally while getting banged the baby-makin' way by MacArthur and friends.
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Attempt Eliminate excess testosterone in the Japanese male
Background In the Bubble Era of the 1980's, a Japanese man invented bukkake, which soon became rampant across the nation. Soon even top government officials were not able to obtain a bukkake virgin for a wife, and thus Hello Kitty was deployed once again. This time heavy propaganda campaigns were carried out by putting up testosterone-crushing Hello Kitty posters in public men's bathrooms, and offering snappily adorable Hello Kitty goods complimentary at horse racing tracks, and other bastions of male leisure.
Result Success? Androgyny UP! But birthrate DOWN!
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Attempt Get mad money to fund capture of U.S. military bases (theory)
Background In the present day, Hello Kitty products are a worldwide hit and their pure and undeniable cuteness alone is enough to brainwash the Japanese and Americans and push absolutely inane products featuring her likeness. Proceeds are believed to be going towards the creation of a series of gigantic bio-mechanical robots, each holding the souls of past Japanese emperors to take over the world. Soon American base are helpless like baby.
Result ???
Further reading
- The Impact of Hello Kitty on Chinese Cultural Tradition Xu Quan Long, 1996
- Fun Cat Make Money: History of Glorious Cultural Cat Hello Kitty Xiao Yan (Emperor Wu of Liang), 474CE
- Billions and Billions of Plush Toys: Trying to Monopolise the Toy World Carl Sagan, 1990
- History of the Warfare between Science and Hello Kitty and how the Kitty is winning E. B. White, 1942
- The Wrath of Hello Kitty Masters & Johnson, 1969
- I Have No Mouth & I Must Be Cute: A Full Autobiography of my Fuhrer Hello Kitty, 1989
- Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Dominato Hellokittica Sir Isaac Newton, 1677
- Hello Kitty for the Compleat Idiot John Steinbeck, 1946
- Hello Kitty for Dummies Ada Miasa, duh
- Why you are extremely fucked up: Because You Like Hello Kitty Ima F. Fuckup, 1802
- Hello Kitty Horror Fuck M.E. Up, 1834
