HowTo:Properly Greet a Japanese Person

Most people, probably you, do not know how to greet a Japanese person. Even worse, many people think they know how. You bow and say "Konichiwa." Well, guess what? THEY ARE WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

He wants you to. Don't screw up

Never, ever, no matter what, bow and say "Konichiwa" to a Japanese person. Odds are they will stab you and feed you to Godzilla. So for all the poor dummies who wanted to do a hot Japanese chick but greeted her the wrong way, here is how you really say hello in Japan.

Step 1: Don't Panic

The pressure for you will be intense, and the slightest mess-up will infuriate the Japs. But you really can't be nervous. If you are nervous, then you could forget a step, which means you die. And Japanese people want you to be quick and confident when you do the steps. So just relax. But you have to cool down quick. They don't like delays. Remember, this is JAPAN!!!

Step 2: Performing the Greeting

Once you're in your right state of mind, it's time to actually say hello to the waiting Asian. This complex process is composed of three phases. Remember, your life depends on this, so pay attention and don't screw up.

Phase 1

Now you need to take 18 walnuts out of your pocket that weigh exactly 0.3141592654 pounds. (Trust me, Japanese people can tell what it weighs, so make it exact.) Take the walnuts and crush them into a paste, like they do with peanut butter. Use a hammer. It will do the job. Now attempt to lick your nose while smearing the walnut paste on your knees.

Phase 2

Now you have to sing the Frosted Flakes song and put on a Hello Kitty costume. While doing that, you have to repeatedly blink for no reason. The costume has to be made out of gerbil fur and have a cellphone glued to its ear.

Don't you love his song? Its grrrreat!

Phase 3

This is the final step to your greeting. You have to stop singing about Frosted Flakes, but keep blinking. Recite a haiku in Swahili about large purple rocks while tapdancing like the penguin in Happy Feet.

Step 3: The Result

Now you're finished with your greeting. If you did it correctly, then the Japanese person will be happy. If you don't do it right..................well, you'll die. I don't really care if you become Godzilla food. Many retarded people became Mothra's lunch after not listening to my advice. Besides, there's a store in Minnesota owned by my sister that sells walnuts that are exactly the size you'll need. Order forms can be had by clicking here.

Epilogue: Tips for Death

If you do happen to screw up and subsequently die, here are a few tips for when you enter the eternal afterlife.

• Don't look into the light.
• When confronting your eternal ruler, be honest. He knows what you're thinking.
• Don't get your hopes up, your grandpa probably went to hell.
• Don't attempt to inflict pain upon yourself. It will not work.
• Angering a Japanese person is a cardinal sin, so you'll probably go to hell.
• There is no WiFi access or LTE data in the afterlife.