Aleksei Mendeleevskiy

Aleksei Mendeleevskiy stares into your soul.

Алексей Табович Мэнделеевский (Aleksei Tabovich Mendeleevskiy: born Augest 1, 1986) is an Soviet Russian professional basketball player who currently plays Center for the Chicago Bulls and the New York Knicks and the Boston Celtics and the Brooklyn Nets of the National Basketball Association (NBA). Drafted to the NBA straight out of university, Mendeleevskiy became the 1st pick of the 2008 NBA Draft and led a very successful career with the Chicago Bulls. According to him, anything is possible.

Mendeleevskiy's basketball nickname is "The AT Machine," a name he lives up to, as he has a "machine-like" ability on the basketball court, and also to the fact that he is an incredibly mean man; Mendeleevskiy has been reported and often times viewed murdering other players on the basketball court. However, no legal action has been taken because Mendeleevskiy is just fucking huge. Perhaps the only thing more apparant than Mendeleevskiy's basketball skills are his skills in kicking ass and taking names.

Throughout Mendeleevskiy's twenty years of playing in the NBA, various coaches, players, and survivalists have tried to create strategies to avoid a quick and painful death upon running into Mendeleevskiy. Unfortunately, none of thse strategies have proved to be conclusive, and only serve to make Mendeleevskiy angrier, as well as increase his insatiable bloodlust.

Mendeleevskiy Stepped into the Bulls

Mendeleevskiy fucking with Chicago Bulls

Mendeleevskiy praying on "superstars" this time, he was fucking Derrick Rose everyday.

He fucking Derrick Rose since the year of 2008, when the University of Chicago sweep the University of Memphis in the NCAA. Aleksei Mendeleevskiy was born in Moscow, Soviet Union. Derrick Rose was born in Chicago, Illinois, United States. This why 2 different players named the NBA Drafted 1st overall in 2008 by Chicago Bulls. Aleksei Mendeleevskiy is truth, Derrick Rose is fake.

Mendeleevskiy wasn't born, he just suddenly appeared with an insatiable bloodlust praying on "superstars", bench-players, role-players, everyone. If your name isn't Aleksei Mendeleevskiy, you're dead. Oh shit, man. You're going to die. You don't just step into the Bulls when you're up against Mendeleevskiy. The Bulls is HIS house. That is where HE dominates.

And now he's going to dominate you. He's going to crush you, man, and honestly, there's nothing I can do about it. Please, for the sake of us all, just drop the basketball. It just looks silly now. That ball, for all its purposes, belongs to Mendeleevskiy, and he's going to use it to score every point for his team. He may also use it to crack open your skull.

He can smell fear. He can smell your sissy white Nikes flopping onto that court, and he knows your fate. You're dead. He's going to crush you under his gigantic feet, drain your blood, and then drink it from his chalice as he sits on the bench and lets Rose go on the court for a minute, just for shits and giggles.

It is a well known fact that in addition to a rockin' stache, rippling muscles, and eyes like a hawk, Mendeleevskiy also has sonar. So, if you think you can sneak onto HIS court, maybe get the ball from a teammate and try and go for some kind of fast break, you're very wrong.

At a whopping seven feet, one inches, Mendeleevskiy is one big-ass dude. Each stride he takes with his tree trunk-like legs is like a thousand steps for a normal man. One time, Mendeleevskiy challenged LeBron James to a race around the world. Mendeleevskiy beat James before James could even finish lacing up his shoes. Mendeleevskiy then proceeded to consume James.

But maybe you're one of the lucky guys. You managed to distract Mendeleevskiy, maybe by telling him a hilarious Knock Knock Knock Joke, and you ran for it. Good for you. You're free and alive!

Mendeleevskiy Try and Get Knickerbockers With It

Mendeleevskiy thrusting with New York Knickerbockers

This time, Mendeleevskiy going to crush you under his gigantic feet, drain your blood, and then drink it from his chalice as he sits on the bench and lets Stoudemire and Anthony as the combination SAM go on the court for a minute, just for shits and giggles.

In 2011, Mendeleevskiy was signed to the New York Knicks, where he led them to sweep Chicago Bulls, Miami Heat, Boston Celtics, Oklahoma City Thunder to their third NBA Championship in the 2010-2011 season.

The first NBA World Champions by his own in the NBA Finals 2011 Game 4 in June 7, 2011.

Mendeleevskiy Going to Keep Celtics for You

Mendeleevskiy running with Boston Celtics

At a whopping seven feet, one inches, Mendeleevskiy is one big-ass dude. Each stride he takes with his tree trunk-like legs is like a thousand steps for a normal man. This time, Mendeleevskiy going to challenged Horford and Irving as the combination HIM to a race around the world.

In 2018, Mendeleevskiy was signed to the Boston Celtics, where he led them to sweep Milwaukee Bucks, Philadelphia 76ers, Cleveland Cavaliers, Golden State Warriors to their twentieth NBA Championship in the 2017-2018 season.

The eighth NBA World Champions by his own in the NBA Finals 2018 Game 4 in June 8, 2018.

Mendeleevskiy Going to Save Nets for You

Mendeleevskiy flying with Brooklyn Nets

This time, the Big Five replaced the Big Three. Mendeleevskiy going to challenged Stoudemire, Irving, Durant and Harden as the combination SIMDH to a race around the world.

In 2021, Mendeleevskiy was signed to the Brooklyn Nets, where he led them to sweep Boston Celtics, Milwaukee Bucks, Atlanta Hawks, Phoenix Suns to their first NBA Championship in the 2020-2021 season.

The eleventh NBA World Champions by his own in the NBA Finals 2021 Game 4 in July 14, 2021.

This Could Have Been Avoided

Here is a map of the safest areas to be when playing against Aleksei Mendeleevskiy, from a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most dangerous

The key to surviving an encounter with Aleksei Mendeleevskiy is just to avoid an encounter with Aleksei Mendeleevskiy. You know how they say the best place to be during a thunderstorm is in your car? Well, the best place to be in a Your Shitty Team vs. Boston Celtics game is also in your car, outside of the stadium, while Mendeleevskiy slaughters your whole team. Don't feel guilty. It's called Survival of the Fittest.

Mendeleevskiy Sees You Reading This

Oh my God. I've said too much. Quick running for it before it's too la-

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