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5:07 PM, Friday-- After a long, hectic day at the office, you shuffle along down the hall, briefcase in hand. You narrowly dodge one of your more annoying coworkers as he skids past in his rolling swivel chair, and with the sound of a collision between him and another person, hopefully his boss, you step into an elevator crowded with various men and women in suits. Among these formally-dressed drones is a young man with long, blonde hair and a multicolored T-shirt emblazoned with a peace sign. The fellow greets you with a friendly "Peace, man," but your mind is too wracked with stress to take any notice.
As the elevator gradually falls to the first floor, your nostrils are filled with the scent of paper, fresh off the copy machine, as well as the strange scent of dry-roasted nuts. "Must be John with his can of cashews again," you think to yourself. "That guy is going to end up in the hospital with some sort of rare nut-related disease." As you step out of the elevator and onto the white-tiled floor of the lobby, you think about all the work you have piled up on your desk at home, and how you would much rather curl up in your chair with a tub of coffee-flavored ice cream and watch reruns of That 70's Show until you pass out. As you cross the room to the glass-paned rotating door, your eye catches a glimpse of some massive brown object just outside the office. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (Pictured)
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In the news
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On this day...
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May 2: Bacon Appreciation Day (U.S.)
- 4M BC - Bacon first cooked in Sumatra after a sounder of boar, their bellies sliced thin by a pack of cassowaries, fall into an active volcano.
- 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
- 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
- 1936 - God declares linear progression of time boring and introduces imaginary time instead.
- 1942 - Mick Jaggert is born and immediately finds he can't get no satisfaction, oh no no.
- 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered "unfashionable" by United Nations, but what do they know.
- 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
- 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following a trade embargo imposed by the U.N Council for Fresh Air.
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Today's featured picture
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Darth Vader was the only spawn of Qui-Gon-Jinn, a legendary intergalactic televangelist who made millions on the planet Naboo curing toasters of inflammation. During his reign as King of Iceland, Darth Vader often took time off to endorse a variety of things, including the Segway.
Image credit: RadicalX View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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Uncyclopedia's sista projects
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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,640 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages, including Pig Latin!
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