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Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
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... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... the muffin man?
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... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... tennis isn't just a game?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
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... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

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... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?

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In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey. 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades. 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it. 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi. 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper. 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months. 2026 - a Plane has love affair with A track, making the worlds first Plane-Firetruck hybrid. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

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