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Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?

... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)

... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?

... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... that you actually didn't know?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season, choked away at the last moment

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too

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On this day...

They're all dead now. It's an old picture.

April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)

1111 - The Knights Templar are formed as a clandestine drinking society, take things a little too far.
1942 - Classic arcade title 1942 developed as shoot 'em up, rights to year are purchased by Capcom, to the chagrin of some cranky veterans.
1983 - Science is invented by accident, and is quickly swept under the carpet.
1984 - Miniluv put crimethink proles into fridge, remake them goodthink fullwise.
2001 - The mailman bangs your mom, but she's her own person, you can't control who she loves.
2002 - The U.S. Kitten Embargo begins as part of The War Against Terror (Pictured), countless Iraqi kittens deported.
2012 - The number two renamed second one.

View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

Featured today, a long long time ago
	Tenet (film), featured on 2 April 2025: Featured version Kitten Vaping, featured on 2 April 2021: Featured version

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God is pissed.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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