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The fortune I pulled out of the cookie was very clear in its message. That was at least one thing I could cling to in this utterly mad place. This was a Burger King for Christ's sake, not a Chinese restaurant. So perhaps it was for my own sanity that I took the fortune cookie's message to heart. Given the time and resources, I was sure I could have written a better one myself, but the effort was appreciated, and the implications were horrifying:
Stop watching porn or you will die.
That was it. No explanation. No lucky lotto number picks or a learn to speak Chinese Easter egg. Just a blunt ultimatum, punctuated by the faint scent of vanilla and sesame oil. I didn't even eat the cookie. I was too shocked, taken aback at this fortuitous turn of events. Also I noticed that the cookie had taken on the sort of rubbery texture that they tend to get when left past their best date of consumption for too long. I found it unappetizing, but curiously arousing. I had to get out of there. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
- ... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
- ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
- ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
- ... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
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In the news
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Boxer shorts, like a real man. And Bruce Lee black pants.
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On this day...
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July 14: National Surrender Day (France)
- 1789 - French citizens storm the Bastille, a large prison, and free seven prisoners who were wrongly incarcerated after being accused of that most heinous of crimes in France: being English.
- 1798 - The Sedition Act becomes United States law, making it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government.
- 1969 - The United States removes all large bills from circulation, much to the dismay of the legendary Salmon P. Chase (the face of the $10,000 bill) and his adoring fans.
- 1974 - It's Christmas, Folks, and Just Look at the Mess We've Made by John Lennon reached number one on the charts.
- 2000 - A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day Event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth. French partisans attack sun by throwing sunblock and parasols at the sky.
- 2007 - A breakthrough study shows that those who read often are better at reading than those who seldom read.
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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