HowTo:Refuse Service to People of a Different Ethnic Background
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Everyone hates someone. Some, more than others. But what if a big, loud foreigner just barged into your establishment and demanded equal treatment? What an injustice! We all know that people different from you should be treated with less respect than your superior race. Therefore, we need to know HowTo:Refuse Service to People of a Different Ethnic Background
You will need the following:
- A sign, clearly stating your hatred toward the filthy swines. You can make one yourself, preferably chock-full of expletives, as the thick-skulled "others" cannot understand anything else.
- Any device designed to incapacitate Since these Neanderthals may resort to violence, It's a must. I recommend a taser or, my favorite, a handy pepper spray.
- Face masks must be worn at all times, since no one knows the type of germs they have brought from their underdeveloped countries. I also suggest growing a thick mustache. Just to be safe.
- Snipers, men with overactive pituitaries, and clinjas may be employed to save you some work, instead of kicking everyone out yourself.
How To Refuse Service Effectively
Step 1: Noticing a Person of a Foreign Race
This is probably the easiest step. Simply pick out the ones that you feel walk differently, speak differently, wear different clothes, or smell bad.
Beware, for every one of the filthy half-wits are ashamed of themselves for being such a hideous scar on the face of humanity. Therefore, they might attempt to conceal their strangeness, by wearing a turban, mask, hat, or other coverings. Do not be fooled by this feeble attempt; instead, make sure to judge by the way they walk, talk, or the items they order. After all, better safe than sorry!
Note that you should classify all strangers as possible threats, and it is preferred that you move on to the next step quickly.
Step 2: Verbal
You must now forcefully scream insults at their hideous faces, as they refuse to listen to our obviously superior intellect without a threat.
You don't want to spend much time on this phase, though. If they respond unfavorably, as in twitching, blinking, or taking a breath, you should swiftly move on to Step 3. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a good beating is worth a thousand pictures.
Step 3: Use of Force
When words fail, a good kick in the rear is the best choice. Use your taser, spray, or anything sharp or corrosive to shoo them away. After all, it's no crime to harm some stranger from an unknown country, since they should have thought about the consequences of attempting to buy anything from you. Also notice that killing them would be an unwise move, since a brutal death usually hurts business. Plus, the "police" frown upon this practice, or at least they will until the new amendment is passed by Congress.
Step 4: Dealing with a Lawsuit
If they even dare to crap all over your good name with accusations of *gasp* racism, point out the polite sign that you have purchased earlier. It is then clear that the man or woman that dares to insult you like this is completely illiterate, and is a burden on society. Therefore, they will most certainly be euthanized. Also, get people from the local area to send them threatening letters (either threatening to kill their children, or simply telling them to get out of the country) and bombard them with silent phone calls.
Note: Some may call this "cruel" and "a pitiful travesty". However, the critics that say these are probably unclean foreigners, so it is OK. Really.
- Tell them "we have the right to refuse service to anyone".
- Make a new door front sign: "No shoes, no shirt, no dark skin, NO SERVICE".
- Take down all "Se Habla Espanol" signs and Spanish-language material where there are lots of Latino customers.
- Threaten to call Homeland Security on any Middle-Eastern looking or sounding customer.
- Remind the patron "sorry, we're not hiring for dishwashers or janitors".
- In an Italian restaurant, pretend you're an "I-talian" to make the other Italians take great offense. Use Italian words like "Heh! Shaut da' fock up, yous guinee," and "Dontcha make yah sleep wita fishes, capice?"
- In a sit-down restaurant, tell the Orthodox Hasidic Jew on the menu course's selection on pork, rump roast and shellfish and don't miss out on the Friday night special of lox, bagels and matzo ball soup.
- Tell a dark-skinned (African-looking) customer on there's a "combo" special on fried chicken, collard greens, cornbread and kool aid.
- Greet minority patrons with a "Sieg Heil" salute, address them with ethnic slurs and warn them when they leave, you're a member of the KKK.
- Show your patriotic side on July 4th by not admitting any Britons, Canadians and other "un-american" types.
- And finally, be surprised when you see a Native American eat with silverware like a "Civilized human being" (that would really cheer them up).
- If the law requires you to put your menu in a second language, make the prices ten times higher.