From today's featured article
BEIJIG, Chia — I a upleasatly surprisig move, Chiese presidet Xi Jipig has aouced that he is baig the 14th letter of the Eglish alphabet -- the oe ibetwee M ad O. Whe asked why i the livig hell ayoe would do such a asiie ad beyod uitelliget thig, Jipig gave us this statemet i respose: "This is Chia. I'm Presidet. I ca do whatever I wat ad there's othig you ca do about it. If you do't like it, the I suggest that you move your scrawy ass to Hog Kog."
This omissio to the Eglish laguage will appear odd ad uitelligible goig forward. The popular ad legedary video game system will ow be kow i Chia as Itedo. PS will ow be kow as the Playstatio, which is't as bad as I iitially imagied. Curiously, Playstatio's paret compay will ow be kow by the much healthier ame of Soy, which is ot too iroic sice Soy is a Japaese compay istead of a Chiese oe. It's eve worse for Paasoic. The Japaese aimatio gere will ow be kow as Aime, which looks like the ame Amy. (Full report...)
In the news
- Putin wins Russian presidential election in stunning, unexpected upset (Pictured)
- UnNews roundup: Week of March 11 – 17
- Genius, Scientist, Guy who Ran Over my Cat: UnNews remembers Stephen Hawking
- 80s synthesizer band Europe wants to tackle fake news
- News-worthy thing happens, nobody gives a shit
- Decadent cultural elite handed gold-plated statuettes and lecture proles
- A Socialist People's Republic attached to Asia prohibits the letter after M but before O
- Foot enthusiast Quentin Tarantino finds human bride to neg with his inane film theories
- Lanyard wearing dorks release another memo, seriously who gives a shit I can't afford my rent
- Russians secretly implanted Inception-esque plan to get Hillary Clinton not to campaign in Wisconsin
Did you know
- ... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)
- ... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
- ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
- ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
- ... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
- ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
On this day
March 20: Procrastination Day (extends until tomorrow)
- 1602 - The Dutch East India company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar.
- 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule.
- 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career out by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value.
- 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published, setting racial equality back for an estimated two hundred years.
- 1874 - Oscar Wilde does something noteworthy, then writes a scathingly witty entry in his diary about it later that night.
- 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams, and mind-control paraphanelia.
- 1914 - The first international Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity.
- 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.
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