HowTo:Make Black Metal

Confused? Look no further.

Warning: Studies have shown that this article is very scary, and may cause cancer, emphysema, ADHD, astigmatism, cataracts, glaucoma, peripheral vision, Manic Depressive Disorder, Chronic Asthma, RLS, Obesity, Tourettes Syndrome, alzheimers exploding dog syndrome, Atrophy, MS, DCS(the bends), Vertigo, Hemmorages,Lou Gehrig's disease, IEED, the heads of young children to asplode or bald men who are over 50 to lactate much more than usual, then implode, your genitals will remove themselves from your body and run away, then explode or your heart will jump out and attack you, then detonate, and every other disease know to man (and some to monkeys) .

If that doesn't stop the effect, then climb to the top of Mount Everest naked. You need some fresh air..

The Elder Gods Demand Worship!

The totally kvlt and non-conformist attire of the black metal warrior

So, you say you want enter the dimly lit and filthy inner bowels of Black Metal??? Are you already a qualified practicer of Satan rituals, but need an extra outlet for your adolescent angst? Is your father a Catholic priest who is dumb enough to unknowingly finance your Neo-Pagan blasphemies? Are you too uncool to play Dungeons & Dragons? Are you from Norway or Sweden or always wished that you were? Well, simply follow these guidelines to create your very own Uber Grim Black Fukking Metal Horde!!!!!

Entering Through the Unholy Gates

Cut your flesh and worship Satan... or just mark yourself up with a felt pen. Then kill yourself.

An important thing to remember is that you will never get laid again after making a black metal band (really though, if you’re reading this then it’s never happened for you at all) and your band will never make any money. (Science is close to finding a link between these phenomena.) Although Rolling Stone and National Geographic have named black metal the most popular and influential music genre of all time, there are currently an estimated 157 million black metal bands active in Europe alone, on 32 thousand different underground labels, with thousands more springing out of coffins, caves and holes in the ground every day, while every black metal fan on Earth listens to only about 12 different bands that they consider to be tr00 (and they also have no money). Few ever hear or know the existence of any of the same bands as somebody else, and this oversaturation and elitism creates a dark monetary void from which few can escape.

It is useful to have a side job to support your blasphemies, such as working in an evil post office (Fenriz), getting elected to your evil local city council against your will (Fenriz), opening an evil tattoo shop or starting your own evil cloven hoof-themed petting zoo. Also adopt to your zoo some cute cuddly pandas as research has shown that the endangered creatures are 666 percent more likely to mate after listening to black metal (but only bands that wear corpsepaint for some reason). And cute cuddly pandas are kvlt as fvck.

Constantly deride other black metal bands for buying into a "scene", even though you yourself are a part of it.

Constantly deride black metal fans for being “elitist” even though you yourself are elitist.

Constantly deride other humans for being part of the "human race", even though you yourself are a part of it.

Contradict and negate yourself as much as possible.

Gay people are awesome.

Don’t be pretentious. Don’t write some stupid fucking manifesto about your transcendental Satanism like that little faggot from Liturgy. Remember that you come from nothing, are nothing and will always be nothing.

Don’t be political. Nazis are gay but so are antifa. Fuck your “safe space”. Simply promote equal hatred for all and everything.

Having friends is not black metal. So having band members is entirely optional. You could form a totally not gay two-man band. Or you could form a solo project and create suicidal black metal about how depressed and lonely you are and how much you hate the world and humanity. (The best bands in depressive black metal are Happy Days, who take their name from the classic depressing sitcom, and Silencer who have the distinction of being one of the first black metal bands to be checked into an actual insane asylum.) Even better, have no members whatsoever in your band and release albums that don't exist. The less humans involved in your project, the better.

Note: Due to the release of approximately ∞ albums released every day in the already bloated Black Nonexistent Metal scene, most agree that the subgenre has become a cesspool of trendhoppers and hipsters.

Form seventeen concurrently active one-man bands that all sound the same (ie really good) and release 17 different albums per year, one per band. Go by a different nickname in each band. Form your own record label and fill out your roster with only your own one-man bands. Form one two-man band with the guy who tried to strangle you with his bare hands years ago for forcing him to ruin his voice for your improvised jazz black metal jam session recordings. This is fine. He has the true hatred within him. Continue to work with this person for years to come.

Get yourselves some names instead of <insert name here>, because let's face it, your name is not very evil. Try something that sounds cold with a couple of 'oths' for best effect. Names taken from the Black Speech of Mordor are also very grim. If you use only initials, you'll be even more grymm and mysteriouzz. Remember not to misuse your new name, as it is far more than a nickname, it is the true name of your dark essence passed down to you by the Ancient Ones. Black metal art is SUPER serious and is NEVER absolutely hilarious and silly.

When taking band photos, make sure they are horrible quality black and white photos taken in the darkest forest on the darkest night possible, with everyone wearing all black and hiding behind various shrubs, so that nobody can tell what you really look like and you will be very mysterious and evil. People should only be able to tell how ugly you are. If you’re not ugly you can’t play black metal.

Never try anything new. Your band should sound more like every other black metal band that came before it than every other black metal band that came before it. Eventually every black metal song will be one note played over and over again, which will imitate the sound of Gjallarhorn and bring about Ragnarok.

Abominable Utterations of Necrospeak

The trademark black metal pose, expressing inner pain by squeezing invisible testicles.

How to sound necro? There are several fundamental principles to this:

• 1) Make everything look like NORSK. Also to a lesser extent DEUTSCH. For example don't say Black Metal when you can say DER Blækk Mettal
• 2) Add senseless adjectives: Why say DER Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal (no matter you can't fucking pronounce it properly)?
• 3) As also seen in the previous example, there are several words, such as tru, grim, necro and fuck which have to be used as gratuitously as possible. Why say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fucking Tru and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
• 4) It is very important that you do not utilise ordinary grammar and spelling. In DER BLAKK MEHTVL SPE4K, those are secondary, while DER GRYMMNEZ of DER SPEVK is fundamental. Never say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal.
• 5) Practice! With time DER GRYMMFVLNEZZ ov your sentences will increase. Be creative, combine different grymmful words, replace random letters with "v"s or "Y"s, add random "R"s or “H”s, capitalize random letters or change the order of words in a sentence, and use as many senseless adjectives as possible.
• 6) In conclusion: Why say DER Fucking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm and Frostbitten Pure Unholy Hateful Raw Nekro Krieg Elitist æonic Br00tal Wrathful Hyperspeed Inverted Icecold Wintry Deutsch Norwegian Transylvanian Pagan Diabolikal Anti-Cosmic Orcish Wolfen Bestial Heretical Genocidal Homicidal Suicidal Medieval Nihilistic Mysanthropik Blasphemic Apocalyptic Hellfired Holocaustic Panzerkrieg Dunkel Diabolikal Goat-Worshipping Fistfvkking Christraping Soul-crushing Deathworshipping Skullfucking Thelemic Orthodox Germansk Hedensk Satanisk Hellnorsk Arysk Svarte Mörk Blækk Fvkking Goatpenis Mætalle OV DAATH??????

Church burnings are a great promotional tool for black metal bands, and a traditional way of staying warm in Norway.

Black metal lyrics cover a wide variety of lyrical themes (Satan). But the main keys to writing blak grim kvlt necro lyrics are: Christ killing, humanity hating, poser exterminating, goat shagging pagan whore vomiting on the cross, cute cuddly pandas, hail Satan: This would actually be said as AIEEEE AEEEEE AAAAA AAAAAAGHHHAGAHHHH. This is just the basic text. True talents add more words to the text like: 'chaos' or 'blood' or 'raaah'. Some true geniuses add random German words (example: 'Black Metal ist krieg' (this can be the entirety of the lyrics of your song)). Combine words together, i.e. 'selfmutilating godhate holocaustwinds blackmetalband'. Randomly yell things like "Ea Ea Satan Ioa Saboa Kali Ma" (roughly translated: Black Metal up your pee-hole). After you have the basic structure of your song, place the text into an online translator and translate it to Norwegian. Then translate the translated text back into English. Then Medieval Olde English. Then into Orcish. And finally transcribe it into archaic Norse. Give the song a name in German. Throw in some random Latin phrases and quotes by famous Satanists. The finished product should be in the LANGUAGE OF THE BEAST, making it ultra-hardcore.

Abyssal Pandemonic Cacophonies

Black metal bands in their most purest form.

Hammer as quickly as possible on a drum kit, or in a pinch tape-record a jackhammer or a machine gun and use that sound. (This can be more technical than the guitar.) Blasting drums are the most important thing about your sound. Black metal drumming was invented by Vishnu many aeons ago, and four-limbed humans have been trying to emulate his eight-limbed technique ever since, with limited success. A blastbeat consists of the drummer playing so fast that he is literally trying to kill himself on the kit. Timing isn't really important, or technique, but you have to be willing to break your arms and legs to get that extra blasty-ness. If you’re not dead by the end of it, you probably did it wrong. Keep trying! And make sure your drums are barely audible in the final mix.

For that buzz-saw guitar sound, most “professional” black metal musicians use actual buzzsaws, but in a pinch a real guitar will do. Make the most simple guitar riff you can come up within an hour of fucking around, remember it - you'll be playing it for a while, so invent something that won't strain your hand, and will still allow you to manually stimulate your pet goat after the gig. Do keep in mind that melodies are for emo fags (unless you’re from Sweden). Make sure your album has as little flow as possible and make every other song blatant Celtic Frost worship (See: Panzerfaust by Darkthrone). Turn the bass on your guitar all the way down and treble all the way up and use nothing but tremolo riffs or Pazuzu will eat your face and your family. Don’t play any solos or Satan might lose his potentially cosmos-crushing erection. Don't even bother with a rhythm guitar; your bathroom sink, or tv static, when turned on full blast, will compensate for the lack of one. Use as many reverb, distortion and delay pedals as possible. Use an old bass and repeat the same riff throughout your entire album. Bass and guitar should be barely audible in the final mix.

Granny being supportive of your necroblasphemies

Stand on the peak of a snowy mountain and place your vocal microphone at the bottom of the mountain. (You must be an expert at mountain climbing to play black metal.) Scream your vocals at the top of your lungs while stabbing yourself in the testicles with a white-hot knitting needle. This technique was perfected in the third age of black metal by the best kvlt vocalist of all time, Gollum. For bonus points put yourself in an alcohol and drug-induced Satanic frenzy before climbing/stepping up to the mic. (A true black metal artist should know - and LOVE - narcotics. My nigga.) If singing in a booth, major damage incurred to the booth during recording is highly encouraged. Get your dying granny to do some backing/guest vocals on your album. (Her and Satan go way back, she met him while on acid in the 60s. She will show YOU how to perfect aural murder and hellfire, kiddo.) Vocals (except granny) should be barely audible in the final mix.

Fenriz schools some posers

Add some keyboards if you want. But make them sp00ky. Don’t make some gay ass industrial trance shit like new Samael or whatever the hell Semargl is supposed to be. Only a few can pull off this sound successfully (Thorns, Mysticum, …And Oceans) without it sounding gayer than George Michael with a stomach full of ecstasy. Fenriz says he will not mix in electronics because it is not Darkthrone. Darkthrone is black metal. Black metal is Black Metal. Listen to Fenriz kids. He’s one of the last century’s great musical geniuses. Keyboards should be barely audible in the final mix.

Record it all in one take on casette tape with your dad's old barely-functional tape recorder in a cabin in the deep dark woods of Norway, or somewhere with a TON of reverb, such as in the Memorial Hall of Edvard Grieg, on top of or in the caverns beneath a snowy mountain (careful not to knock the mountain down) or deep in the buttfuck frozen wastelands of Antarctica which is also where you should most want to live by this point. Or anyplace COLD, which will automatically make you sound more atmospheric. (Darkthrone’s Transylvanian Hunger, the greatest album of all time, was recorded in a walk-in freezer.) When you're finished, your ‘music’ MUST sound like a defecating Balrog being carpet-bombed by a squadron of B-52s in the middle of a blizzard, otherwise you won't be taken seriously as a black metal artist baptized in unholy infernal blood and bestial black goatsemen.

Remember to thank Granny for her vocal assault and the use of her knitting needles before she shuffles off, and return the tape recorder to your dad's church office.

Releasing Stormblades of Hatred

Sell all your early 90's demos for ridiculous prices because they are 'kvlt', even though you actually recorded them last week. Remember, everything new is crap, and everything old is kvlt. Also claim that Euronymous personally signed them for you moments before his gruesome demise even though you never met the guy and have never been to Norway. Also you hadn’t even heard of black metal until 2004.

In 10 years everything that's crap will be kvlt. Then in 20 years it will be poser shit again. The biggest posers in the scene are also some of the oldest bands somehow. Break up as soon as possible. Once people latch onto you like feral leeches your dark lifeforce will be greatly waned.

Make tons of split albums with the most unknown black metal bands you can find, releasing exactly 666 copies of each, and only release them on cassette tapes. This proves to the listeners that you are too poor to make a full length album or release a compact disc, and therefore you are kvlt as fvck.

The process of creating a black metal album.

On your liner notes, make everything sound EXTREME and remind people of how evil you are no less than 666 times a second. For example, your band doesn't play music. You create new æon satanick propaganda. Instead of saying that so-and-so plays drums, say he fires the infernal war artillery, vocals are "throat", "pagan grunts" or "blasphemic puking of vocal Armageddon", guitar is known as "chainsaw", "battle-axe" or “666 strings” and bass "4 strings of the Apocalypse" or “Satan’s big bottom end”. List your band's influences as "wolfcalls", "the pain of existence" and "Mayhem". Never include your lyrics with anything you release. And of course, tell everyone that you play Black Metal for the message, NEVER because of the trendy image. If someone says they like black metal because it's “cool”, you should sacrifice them to Satan. Finally at the end of your liner notes remind your fans to burn down their local church.

Some black metal artists have released box sets of their demos. If you go in this direction, include some random garbage, your pet's severed foot, a hand grenade, and some of your own feces in the box. It will sell like crazy on E-bay.

Before you release your album, run a quick test by placing your music next to a bible. If the bible bursts into flames, you're all set. If not, throw out the entire thing and start over.

Live Undead Dæmonick Rituals

Never, ever make a face like this.

If you decide to do a live gig, remember the following:

• Always dress in corpsepaint (paint made from corpses), leather bondage gear, nooses (also handy after the gig), chains (dirty and rusty, not gangsta bling or nu-metal style), bullet belts (but no guns, Black Metal is very luddite), obscure band shirts that are way too small on you, old ripped up pants that you found on the side of the road somewhere (you should look like you were attacked by a wolverine), medieval looking weapons, armbands with 10-inch carpentry nails sticking in every direction (watch out for tetanus), upside-down cross microphone stands made of your late granny’s femurs, and a good splash of goat's blood on your person. If no goats are available, you can kill a few pigeons outside the club and use their blood instead. Lastly cover yourself head to toe in the ashes of your fallen enemies.
• Remind your fans that they are all worthless cattle and should be exterminated.
• Kill a few animals on stage, stick the carcasses on pointy things, nail some people to crosses, shower the crowd with rancid pigs blood, and try to draw people's attention away from your nonexistant musical talent and get them angry.
• Another way to do this is to play so loudly that the audience's ear drums will be blown out after one song.
• Make sure to leave your dead animals out in the sun to rot for several hours, so the show will reek of death and decay and give all your fans tuberculosis.
• Try as hard as you can to get banned from every country you visit.
• Pass out razorblades to all the crowd members at your show. No fake blood at a true black metal gig.
• If you decide to sign autographs, carve them in esoteric Satanic symbols on your fans' foreheads with a twelve-inch dagger made of the bones of your enemies.
• If you decide to sell shirts, make sure they're covered in your own semen. Save up jizzum in your freezer for months so you can sell hundreds of these shirts at a time.
• For bonus points, bury yourself in dirt for an hour before each show so you'll smell like a freshly dug up corpse. Better yet, bury yourself forever to get that true death-stench.
• Have your bandmates declare you missing, presumed to have committed suicide, then change your nickname to something else to make it look like they got a new lead singer, then months later reveal your true identity while on stage and proclaim you have been resurrected under Satan. Kill anyone who doesn't bow down right then.

And the number one rule of Black Metal shows: Never, ever look like you're trying. Always look like you'd rather be somewhere else, or dead, than playing in front of the idiotic peon masses before you.

Oh, and never play live.

Oculatory Boreal Wizardry

Your first black metal video should take place in a forest (watch out for hunters), the most popular forest is the Forest Ov Forgotten Souls Ov Winters Past. It's on the right about a mile past the Field Ov Suffering And Hatred Ov An Over-Worked Farmer. This is where you go after the music video to help the poor over-worked farmer kvltivate the ground to prepare it for the evil poisonous crops and grimly reap them afterwards like the souls of so many worthless human fleshbags.

Put on white and black corpsepaint, or if there are no corpses handy to make paint from then just wipe bird shit and swamp slime on your face. Don't forget about getting a black over-sized robe, cape and witch's hat, and dye your hair black, blonde hair is sometimes frowned upon in the BMC (Black Metal Community), but some can pull it off (such as Dolk from Kampfar, black metal's answer to David Lee Roth).

Make sure you go to a yard sale or pawn shop and buy an old VHS camcorder, and find a VHS tape that has been erased and recorded over a dozen times to record the music video on so you get those lines on the the screen when you watch it and so it looks old, evil and everlasting like a gobstopper from Willie Wonka's own ass.

Make sure it’s nighttime and you’re running around looking evil in the woods. (By no means should you ever run around in corpsepaint in broad daylight in a Subway parking lot looking merely suspicious. And don’t even think about going in there and ordering in a ridiculous voice a grim COOOOLLLD CUUUT combo… EXTRA COOOLLLD…)

Run around and look very scary whilst holding some medieval-looking weapons and your late granny’s skull up to the The Frost-Ensorcelled Fullmoon of Darkest Might. Try some firebreathing even if you have no idea how, the more likely you are to immolate yourself and/or your bandmates, the more tr00 the result.

At the end of your video, rip off all your clothes and run screaming into the fog-shrouded woods, never to be seen again.

Watch this so you get the idea:

For more tips, see these seminal masterpieces of visual dark art: The Black Satans - The Satan of Hell, and Detsorgsekalf - In the Blood of a Thousand Virgins Rises Chevy Chase.

Cooking

This section wasn’t trve enough so it got eaten by Satan. Trve black metal artists only eat the raw flesh and blood of their freshly murdered victims.

Final Descent to Stygian Utopia

You're having too much fun...

“Excuse all the blood”

~ Dead on being dead

If for some reason you’re still alive by this point…

Kill yourself, leaving an apology note for firing a gun indoors and a gruesome scene that could be photographed and used later as a bootleg album cover by the rest of the surviving members, after they've finished eating your brains off of the ceiling. And if your music was trve enough your soul can finally go forth to enjoy the sweet embrace of the unholy flames forever. If you were a poser you will immediately reincarnate as a Mormon.

If you’re in a one man band, split up with yourself, never to be seen again.

Have fun!

(During suicide or murder is the only time you’re allowed to have fun in black metal. You’re also allowed and encouraged to smile in court if put on trial for said murder.)

PS: Please disregard everything on this page because following a set of rules is totally untr00. Black Metal is not confined by petty mortal guidelines!

Non serviam!

See also

• Black Metal
• Gaahl
• Fenriz
• Varg Vikernes
• Quorthon
• Darkthrone
• Dimmu Borgir
• Murder
• Satan
• Blood
• Rahhh
• Church Burnings
• Norway
• National Geographic
• Suicide
• Living Color

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