HowTo:Write an Uncyclopedia article without reading any of the rules or directions or manuals or policies first
It's a simple enough matter.
You come along, skim a few articles, witness the spectacle and suddenly, you feel your heart lifting. The muses are with you; you have finally been inspired with a purpose in your life, a light to illuminate your way: to be a part of something larger than you are. To add to the horrible monstrosity that is Uncyclopedia.
But then you encounter a horrible problem: you do not know how. Despair not, however, for this HowTo will teach you precisely how to write an Uncyclopedia article without reading any of the rules or directions or manuals or policies first, without consulting anyone, having a basic clue as to syntax or propriety, or even understanding a thing. It's the principle of the matter. After all, you are an adventurous sort, else you wouldn't be here. You do not need help; and fortunately for you, we cater to exactly the kind of person who will charge into any situation at all without having the slightest as to what it is ahead of time, and you will not only completely fail to learn any of it as you go, but probably break a fair amount of fine china as well.
Before You Start
In everything, one has to start somewhere. For this, where to start does not really matter so much as where not to start. Do not read up on what Uncyclopedia is. Do not look at what it is. If at all possible, try to avoid looking at it at all. If you are blind, cannot read, a gerbil, or better yet, using a gerbil to type for you, then chances are you are already far past the scope of this guide and will have no trouble at all creating your Uncyclopedia article without reading any of the rules or directions or manuals or policies first.
If you do need it spelled out for you, avoid the following:
- Uncyclopedia:Policies and guidelines
- Uncyclopedia:Beginner's Guide to Being an Uncyclopedian
- Uncyclopedia:How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid
- Uncyclopedia:How To Get Started Editing
In fact, you may want to go right ahead and avoid everything. Find yourself a gerbil and go make a sandwich while your gerbil writes for you, perhaps.
If you absolutely must do this for yourself, either because you simply cannot acquire a gerbil or you truly are an adventurous sort and know better (and couldn't find a gerbil), however, under no circumstances should you create an account. Accounts may be more secure, but the problem is, well-meaning older users have this tendency to pop by and say 'hi!' to new users, a greeting which will invariably come with suggestions, directions, and various guidelines, an eventuality that would ruin everything.
If you have already created an account and thus already joined Uncyclopedia, please feel free to despair. You may also attempt to forget everything you've learned so far, everything you might have seen or anything anyone might have told you, but that probably won't work. You can even try consulting your physician for help; given an appropriate sob story, he may be able to hook you up with some useful prescriptions, though it'll still be too late.
Creating an Article
First you must create a new page. To do this, have your gerbil pick a topic, or if you're really into that sort of thing, just type something into the 'search' thing yourself, and if you absolutely must, put some content in it.
Content is a wholly unnecessary part of any article - while the software literally will not allow you to create a page without at least one character, that doesn't mean the character needs to stay on the page afterwards. But would such a straight-forward approach really be sufficiently adventurous for you? You must ask yourself this, before going any further - search deep within yourself, and inquire into the heart of your being, am I truly so lazy?
If the answer is yes, good job; you're done. You have no further use for this guide.
Now, if you truly wish to prove yourself, it is time to throw caution to the winds, to embrace your courage, and to step out into the unknown, which, unless you manage to botch even this simple matter, shall continue to remain unknown.
A good way to do this is to find a page (without looking at it, of course) containing something that seems like it might look appropriately spiffing, although you won't be able to tell for sure without looking at it, which you definitely should not do, and open it up for editing. From there, just copy the code for the spiffing part into your article. This works especially well for quotes, as they tend to not only be the first thing in most articles, but usually come with generic content fitting for any occasion. Images are also pretty easy to steal from other articles, but unlike other things, you probably will want to look at these, not because they're less likely to intrude upon your ignorance and thus ruin everything, but because some of them are just so damned hot. You must resist this urge, however crippling it may be.
Links, however, are imperative, not from any technical standpoint, but because they prevent readers from getting trapped on pages and subsequently dying of starvation. If left on the article, the dead readers will eventually start to smell, which will probably happen seeing as you are an adventurer, and that cleaning up messes is of course below your high stature as such.
Assuming you opted to fill your article with content, editing the result should be your next step. If, on the other hand, you did not fill it with content, you should not even be reading this and should in fact leave. Now.
Now look at your article. Does anything major seem right about it? Remember, you're not going for 'right', here, so anything that does look right is probably a bad sign. Is it pretty? Does it contain however much content your gerbil decided it should have, unless you don't actually have a gerbil, in which case this question is moot? Is it brimming with links, images, and organs? Theoretically, it should not look like an article. Theoretically, you should also not know what an article looks like, but if it does, this may mean you did a particularly incompetent job, or it may be a complete coincidence. Either way, any attempts on your part to correct the matter would probably make things worse; better to get the gerbil.
Somehow, you have done it. You have created an Uncyclopedia article, amazingly without resorting to reading any of the other rules or directions or manuals or policies first. This is an astounding accomplishment, especially for you; some new users fail on their first articles even after reading the guides and looking at examples of good articles, although as they are clearly not adventurers, nor do they have gerbils, perhaps it stands to reason some of them would manage to fare more poorly than you. But you, the adventurer, you, who learns as you go, or better yet, not at all, you, who uses Uncyclopedia without using it, have created an article.
Unfortunately, by reading and following this guide, you have failed to do so without reading any of the manuals, as this is a manual. Thus, you have subsequently failed the ultimate goal as well.
- It's fine because the china probably deserved it anyway.
- Getting mauled by a gerbil would likely suffice.
- If you know what 'right' looks like, that is also probably a very bad sign.
- Oh well..
- HowTo:Write a Bad Uncyclopedia Article
- HowTo:Make an Article That Will Get Deleted
- HowTo:Save an awful article from deletion
- HowTo:Make your Uncyclopedia article appear longer than it really is
- HowTo:Get Banned
- HowTo:Judge a contest at the last minute
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