User talk:Col.swordman/Archive 4

Haha, BENSON wins. That's right, you better go and do better things with your life. This crappy internet wasteland is BENSON's turf. Benson 02:25, 25 November 2006 (UTC)

LOL@Benson. Well, I'd like to congratulate Colonel Swordman for having taken the right step and wish him the best. Feeling guilty about having spent time here is a good way to motivate oneself to staying away (from the internet). Whether you ought to have felt guilty in the first place can only be ascertained in retrospect when it's clear what else you did with your time. Hope and pray that the future will vindicate your decision. Now go and conquer the world; my best wishes are with you. -- mowgli 07:32, 25 November 2006 (UTC)

WTF

are you doing back? -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

We love you, but...

...what the hell was this? Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 04:02, 11 September 2007 (UTC)

OK, so although obviously I have stated pretty clearly that it was a "good opportunity for a good satire piece, completely wasted", none of you understands what I am trying point out here. Let me get this straight - I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but this article just came along as a one-trick pony with absolutely no real substance. Yes, the old folks are coming this way with a garden hose. Big deal! In fact, here's another article idea that you can toss in barren wasteland of Uncyclopedia. Here goes:

1. The old folks take pensions, right?
2. Don't you pay taxes? Where does the money go?
3. If you answered "the government" for the last question, you were right.
4. Now where does the pension money come from? The government!
5. Ah-ha! Aren't you funding the evil, terrorist old bags, huh? We are DOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEED!!!!!

Actually, I can even recycle the same stuff for concession train tickets, community buses and almost every other welfare and benefit that you can possibly think of, and you thought that was ingenious? Just give me a break already...

For all those who don't bother to read my user page, here is what I have said long time before, and I can't believe you guy are still proving me right:

"Honestly, I am a simple man and I am quite easy to please as long as you can show me clearly at least one point in your entire article. Trust me. All I want is a joke that sounds intelligent. I don't care if you can't rhyme or make a joke about a humble toilet paper roll. I wanted true satire, one that exposes the ugly side of this world, one that relates to things we so want to laugh at in our real lives, but having been tormented with series after series of absurdist drivels, I have totally lost hope in this website altogether. Or, maybe, I just seriously need to go and have a bar fight with a cell phone and a broomstick."

Few weeks ago I was still thinking about improving a few articles here for my own fun and pleasure but now I really doubt if there is any reason to do so. Well, what can I say? Arrivederci! --The Colonel (talk) 15:08, 12 September 2007 (UTC)

Golly! Not everything has to be satire. Sometimes is funny to slip on a banana peel and fall on your bum. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 17:26, 12 September 2007 (UTC)

And, that wouldn't be funny because it's too true. You see, right now the governments want all my moneys! HELP! P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 21:19, Sep 12, 2007

When the first caveman discovered "humour" he was probably stepping on a banana peel, but now we are in the 21st century already and Charlie Chaplin is a dried-out corpse. So, if for some reason you still find slipping on a banana peel somehow amusing, you are either a caveman from the prehistoric era or just another teenager from a middle-class family. Speaking of banana peels, though, Uncyclopedia has slipped on them quite as many times as it can be, but for some reason at every instance it was less amusing but more disturbing to watch than a dog humping on a table leg. This wiki is a impulsive young boy that acts on his own instinct and his instinct alone, and the line between humour and nonsense is drawn whenever he finds another crayon in his toy box. We have waited for 3 years and he still refuses to grow up, although everyone else around him already has. -- The Colonel (talk) 16:09, 14 September 2007 (UTC)

You're so right. Please, write us a page so we can see how a true writer, such as yourself, would make a page that dwarfs anything ever written in all of Uncyclopedia history. Please, it's so obvious now that we've been in the dark this whole time! Won't you show us the light? Uncyclopedia needs you, Col. Swordman! P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 18:40, Sep 14, 2007

I don't really think I am such a hero that I'll carry out such a selfless act, so I've pretty much decided to pass that one. --The Colonel (talk) 14:00, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

Oh, so you can't. No problem. I just thought, you know, cause you know so much about what's funny, n' all.... Well, I guess you aren't the chosen one. I must go and reread the prophecy. P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 19:46, Sep 15, 2007

You missed my point entirely, dagnabit. "Not everything has to be satire.". I also said "Golly". I'm adorable. But I digress. The links you linked to, in that bit with links, link to pages that all suck (although Fisher Price has a wonderful economy of speech that delights me). My point, again, "Not everything has to be satire.". Lighten up. Or, as my grandmother used to say, "Oh, shit, it's the pigs. <Bang, bang!> Dump the drugs out the window! <Bang, bang!> Hold the wheel while I reload! <Bang, bang!> I'm not going back, pigs! <Bang, bang!>.". She didn't actually say "<Bang, bang!>", I just added that in for colour. The art of good storytelling is embellishment, you see. I like to paint a picture with words. It's tough getting the vowels to stick to the canvas, but I think that the end result speaks for itself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm running low on both L and witty verbiage, and must run to the arty word place for buying of stuff. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 21:30, 14 September 2007 (UTC)

Don't know if you had given any thought to this stuff that you wrote; don't know if you were on crack, either. -- The Colonel (talk) 14:00, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

You, sir, are no fun. *Pout*. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 14:29, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

Those are not banana peel slips. Some of those are the Uncyclopedia equivalent of gratuitous and continuous hits in the genitals that oh-so-many movies use to garner a quick laugh. Also note, a few of the articles you linked to were one-off jokes. Two others were actually very well-written satires of stupidity that accomplish their job quite well (these I equate instead to underrated classics). The other two I haven't even heard of, and am not bothered to read. See, this mentality is not exclusive to me. Lots of people don't search for "banana peel" pages or "brilliant" pages, they search for pages. Humor is subjective, and to be honest why would you want anything so broad-ranging as humor to be anything but impulsive? Imagine comedy classics like "Young Frankenstein" or "The Producers" without impulse and a fair bit of nonsense? Satire is not "Hey, let's take an absurdly weighty topic (such as this one) and make it into a similarly absurdly weighty piece." Sometimes, the best satire is when you take something really weighty and spin it around on its head and make it less so. Forgive the article whoring, but Nazi is a very serious topic that (I hope) turned out to be less serious sounding. Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition and Nazi Party as well as Holocaust Tycoon, American Fundie Magazine, and a slew of others all make use of this tactic. But why should we listen to me? What do I know about writing? You are a literary genius.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 01:26, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

I think I will just make some brief comments on this:

1. "gratuitous and continuous hits in the genitals"? Did you mean that one in the background? Man isn't it huge?
2. Read my response to Zombie's comment.
3. I think you have watched too much TV. It's no good for you, kiddo!
4. Ah... That Dane Cook page. You know, almost every sentence there is a take on Dane Cook's lame acts. Literary genius? Maybe I am, although, of course, the article would have been better if it was a one-liner, "old man with a garden hose" joke stretched to an article size. By the way, if success is measured by money, then Dane Cook is definitely a success, not because he had talents of any sort, but because those who sell him know where exactly to flog him off - to the children.

-- The Colonel (talk) 14:00, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

The brevity of your comment, perhaps, took away from the overall point of it, but quite a few (read: all) of your points make no sense to me. It could be the TV (God knows my brain hurts just putting these simple letters together), but you just seem like you're rambling without a coherent point to make. See my comment at the end of this page for more.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 16:02, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

Ooh, ooh, now do a scathing review of some of my pages! Lets see, there's this, this, this.... Oh, and this, too! Really try to crush my soul. Remember, these aren't real people you're talking to! P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 15:04, Sep 15, 2007

Goodness, gracious... Featured articles! How can I not acknowledge that you are the best writer on this whole plant? Actually, I can even endorse your masterpieces if that suits you taste. So, would you like a bunny rabbit or a shiny star sticker? -- The Colonel (talk) 15:33, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

So you acknowledge that I win? MO is right, you are no fun. /me goes off to pout with Modus. P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 19:46, Sep 15, 2007

Oh and I should mention that my fourth this wasn't featured. Well, it is now, but it wasn't at the time. In other news, bragging is fun. Weee! P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 01:40, Sep 16, 2007

You know what? The word "kumquats" could probably be an article by itself, for my money. It's not satire, but if you say it loud enough and don't laugh, something is either wrong, or your not yelling loud enough. -- The Zombiebaron 01:49, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

You know what? There are jokes that only work when you are 1) with your mates and 2) intoxicated, and this is precisely one of them. You don't trust me, eh? Then why don't you go and try it in a public library, completely sober and on your own? -- The Colonel (talk) 14:00, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

I did and it worked out very well for me actually. Also if you mispell the word "the" as "teh" and add a picture of a monkey ANY article is instantly 37.93% funnier. Its the little things that make the difference. -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

If the Queen didn't give you an MBE for this one, she's an an idiot. -- The Colonel (talk) 15:33, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

You know what? I didn't see your initial stint here, but I'm beginning to wonder why you didn't just stay gone. Seeing you for two days, I already know you have a knack for stirring up emotions and generally being a pain. I'm not saying I'm any better or worse of a writer than you, I'm not saying I'm any better or worse a person than you. All I'm saying is, perhaps, you should read your userpage again and realize that, when you are so against a site that you take the time to write a miniature essay on the subject, perhaps it's for the best that you follow your first instinct. It's rarely wrong, and this time is no exception; you obviously dislike Uncyc as a whole, so it's my opinion that you just go your separate ways from us and leave it at that.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 15:55, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

Hey, leave the Col. alone......we miss him terribly. But then our aim has never been what it should be. -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

Ice cream soothes even the savagest of beasties.

Wups!

I'm sorry. I didn't know that my initial query would lead to such drama. Group hug! Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 16:03, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

I am quite a mean, old bugger actually, but ice-cream, however childish, has it own charm on me, although whiskey is always a better thing to enjoy. -- The Colonel (talk) 16:22, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

I'd like to sincerely thank you

Thanks for pointing out the stoled-ness of HowTo:Install Linux On a Dead Badger. If not for you, we might have featured plagiarism! Have a cookie! ^_^ -- T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​UU​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 12:25, 9 November 2007 (UTC)

User:Thekillerfroggy has awarded you a cookie! Now go play in traffic.