User:Ljlego/Dane Cook

This is an article about Dane Cook from a neutral point of view. You may be looking for his autobiography, which can be found here.

Dane Cook (born March 18, 1972, when he was squeezed out of his mother's womb by a 30-tonne semi-trailer) is one of the best known, self-proclaimed American comics ever emerged from the barren wasteland of the Internet. As of 2007, Cook is known to have over one million friends, all of which have been met solely through MySpace.com, a popular dating site for teenagers and pedophiles. (It is to be noted that at one point Cook did have some real friends, but not anymore when he decided that it would be funny to take a dump on everyone's coat during a party.) His major achievements include, but not limited to, dancing around like Steve Ballmer, screaming like Howard Dean and having the best joke-making skills like George W. Bush ever possessed.

Childhood

The evil dane cook.

As a victim of a traffic accident himself, Cook demostrated a rather strong desire to witness a real car crash in his youth. It was speculated such thrist for seeing others suffer had probably been caused by the impact he received during his birth, and despite efforts by various doctors, psychiatrists, alternative therapists and faith healers (including the priest from the classic horror movie The Exorcist), Cook was unable to subpress his sadistic personality and his cravings to inflict pains on human beings. At school, he was notorious for his bizarre, hyperactive bahaviours, his violent attitude towards others, and his tendancy to push children in front of buses.

It was also during his tender years that Dane Cook developed his own sense of humor. Being an avid TV viewer, Cook was completely absorbed in the delightful scenes in America's Funniest Home Videos and the depths of insight they conveyed. He often pictured himself entertaining masses with jokes relating to people falling over, running into assorted objects or bitten/kicked/acid-spitted in the groin by intimidated animals/dinosaurs/extraterrestrial faunas, and his determination to become the world's greatest comic was strengthened day after day. Eventually, Cook emptied his own piggy bank, set up a website and bought himself a position as an entertainer at Comedy Central, a cable TV station renowned for its high quality, MTV-grade comedy shows. This marked the begining of Cook's career as a stand-up comic - of his kind - in the United States.

Cook's road to fame

During a conversation with Mark Foley in an online chatroom, Cook learnt of the gullible nature of the average Internet users. Despite Foley's insistence of seeing Cook naked in a photo, Cook ended the discussion eruptly and proceeded to threaten, in MySpace.com, that he would sabotage any MySpace page that did not appear in Cook's "friend list". Within three minutes, Cook succeeded in gaining more than one million online "friends", which Cook later used as a leaverage to negotiate for his own comedy show on HBO, along with an oath to break every HBO executive's neck with a car tire and "projectile-vomit" on their corpses if they ever refused to grant his wish. HBO gave in, and the result was a special on April 15, 2006, at Boston's TD Banknorth Garden, of which the majority of audience were made up of teenagers, twenty-something simpletons, people who had been listening to his stand-up shows on CDs and watching his B-grade/reality comedy films/home videos on YouTube, the zombie hordes from Dawn of the Dead, and potential Dane Cook fans alike.