There are no conspiracies. Its just a case of everyone's out to get you.
|Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Rob is like the main dude, so if you don't want to find out that Rob is like the main dude, which he is, don't read it. |
Because Rob is like the main dude.
|Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that a lame monster with giant fleas trying to impersonate Godzilla destroyed New York, so if you don't want to find out that a lame monster with giant fleas trying to impersonate Godzilla destroyed New York, which it did, don't read it. |
Because a lame monster with giant fleas trying to impersonate Godzilla destroyed New York.
|Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that the main dude's brother dies after a bridge is destroyed, the girl the camera dude is in love with gets bitten by one of the monster's giant fleas and asplodes, they manage to get to the other girl, the dead brother's girlfriend is taken on to another helicopter and separated from them and is probably the only one who survives, the helicopter the remaining living people are in crashes but they all survive it, the camera dude gets killed when the monster bites him in half but the camera gets out safe, a bomb destroys a bridge and probably them, and that apparently the bomb killed the monster as well, which all happens, so don't read it. |
Because the main dude's brother dies after a bridge is destroyed, the girl the camera dude is in love with gets bitten by one of the monster's giant fleas and asplodes, they manage to get to the other girl, the dead brother's girlfriend is taken on to another helicopter and separated from them and is probably the only one who survives, the helicopter the remaining living people are in crashes but they all survive it, the camera dude gets killed when the monster bites him in half but the camera gets out safe, the main dude and the girl hide under a bridge and a bomb destroys said bridge and probably them, and that apparently the bomb killed the monster as well.
Oh, wait, this article never mentions that, so never mind what you just read. Even though this actually does happen. Yeah, that's right. I spoiled the movie. So live with it.
|Pennsylvania: The Quacker State|
The state flag of Pennsylvania
|State Flower:||Mountain laurel|
|State Toy:||Slinky (100% true)|
|State Fish:||Whatever New Jersey has, we'll take|
|State Motto:||"We have Ben Franklin! Wait, he's dead?"|
|Currency:||U.S. Dollar, Cheesesteak|
|Principal Imports:||Trees, Quackers|
|Climate:||Warm Summers and Freakin' Cold Winters|
|AKA:||The Kingdom of Dracula|
“OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!”
“I saw it, it's a lion and it's huge!”
“Did you feel that? It was like an earthquake!”
“Go find and destroy your own city!!”
“The love of KrustyFrank27 is the root of all evil.”
“In Soviet Russia, Uncyclopedian cliche overuses YOU!!”
“Uncyclopedia is the worst. HATE HAET HAT!”
“I do not find your article funny or amusing.”
“It's no secret, that the best thing about a secret, is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly.”
“I pity tha foo'!”
“You're not the first to get lost here while trying to find a page that matters”
It fills my heart with woe to inform you that this Uncyclopedia article is the worst. It tells the unhappy tale of a dreadful narrator named Chris Frank, who has the sad duty to write down unpleasant tales. He leads a tragic life, running from the law for crimes he probably did commit.
In this article, you will encounter several stupid and obvious clues, long ramblings with little or no point, me warning you to not read this article, identity theft,Fruit tart, random nouns that will somehow weasel their way into the aricle, and, perhaps, an antidepressant addiction.
Although I am actually paid to write these best-selling books and this article, it is not too late for you to scurry away like a stray dog, to happier, more flower-laden fields.
With no respect due,
Chris Frank (March 28, 1995 – April 17, 2006; then April 1, 2008 – present) was one of the most influential early American leaders, particularly in the field of undead rights, as well as a popular scientist, politician, and occasionally even a writer. Outside of politics he is relatively famous as as the inventor of Jolt Cola, a caffeinated beverage developed during the 1990s. Apart from his many accomplishments, Franklinstein is probably best known as the only Founding Father to have been born a zombie, and consequently is also the only one who remains (un)alive today.The film was released on January 18, 2008, hence the code name.
My Name[edit | edit source]
An identity is, as modern computer Spyware has proven, a very stealable thing. I never access the Internet for exactly this reason. I am only now using the Internet to write this article, and even now I fear for the safety and well-being of my Social Security numbers, which I usually keep tucked safely away in my front shirt pocket for posterity. However, on rare occasions people will not just steal an identity for themselves. In my case, this is true, because people accuse me of having an identity that is not mine. That identity is "Daniel Handler".
Yes, it's true that some people with sick senses of humour would have you believe that my name is not, in fact, Lemonard J. "Lemony" Snicket, and that that name is simply a Nom de plume - a word which here means "pen name". My name is, indeed, not "Daniel Handler", nor have I ever met such a man. He sounds bad-tempered and stanky, and these are qualities I usually avoid in a person. Should I ever see him on the street or in a fancy French restaurant, I will be sure to run as fast as is possible with my flabby physique in the opposite direction.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
So, like I said, Chris was born in some place at some point in time somewhere to his parents, whose names are unknown. I'm guessing their last names were Frank because his name is Chris Frank. Or was it John Doe? Yeah, whatever, on with his early life.
In school, he kind of just blended into the crowd and nobody really noticed him. He went by the nickname of "Chris Frank". This led into what would be his future legal name, after he graduated from Some University with a PhD in apathy.
Unless you have lived a very unfortunate life, such as my life, I'm sure that you have at some time had the opportunity to see a sea horse. Seeing a C-shaped sea horse in the sea by the sea shore is certainly a sight to see. My life, and the life of the Baudelaire orphans, has not been filled with such frolicsome delights as sea horses, and indeed have been quite depressing - a word which here means "bleak" - and bleak - a word which here means "depressing" - and it would perhaps be best for you and your sea horse-filled life to stop reading this article, X out of this window, and start a new life as a circus performer (which would be a Very Fortunate Deed for you.)
My early life has been lost to the ravages of time. It is very obscure - a word which here means "hidden and out-of-sight". All that remains of this tumultuous period in my life are a few nondescript scraps of paper, an orange teddy bear that smells of salmon, a love letter, and an envelope that I dare not open addressed to a Mr. Jay Sullivan, Jr. All in all, very dreary, and having little or nothing to do with Sea Horses.
1 day later[edit | edit source]
Jimmy Smith Chris Frank got his first job as a data processor for some computer company. He didn't really like this job that much, so he quit and decided to take up his dream job- an accountant. He was perfect for the job, I guess, because he made a lot of money off of being an accountant and had a wife and 2 kids and lived in a big house in Anytown, USA or something. I'm not quite sure anyway.
Music[edit | edit source]
Chris Frank liked to listen to music. One of his favorite musicians was Not You of Band. His second favorite was me. Yeah. As a child, Chris Frank aspired to become a musician, but that never happened. But he still listens to music. I think he went to a concert or two...or maybe three. I don't know. One time, he shouted "Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" at a concert, if I recall correctly.
Claims to Fame[edit | edit source]
Chris Frank became famous when he appeared in the background of a local newscast for a length of 1.00235956 seconds. He found a penny after appearing, which made him rich. He believed that it was because of this infamous TV appearance. Or maybe no. I don't know.
Also, Chris Frank and 'Some Other Dude' are famous for leaping out of 'friggin' nowhere' and 'totally whaling on some guy'.
He also created Phineas and Ferb, even though he died and stuff.
Books[edit | edit source]
Recent status[edit | edit source]
In spite of his near-celebrity status – or perhaps because of it – Frank has become somewhat eccentric and reclusive in recent years. He does not have Internet access (but somehow does have a Gamespot account) or even a telephone, and all letters mailed to him as of 2007 are returned unanswered, although sometimes the envelope is covered with an unidentifiable green slime.
On Novembruary 5, 2006, his close friend Dr. Đùşśąŀəĥøæß gave an exclusive interview on UnNews about the creation and initial marketing of Jolt Cola. The next day, Đùşśąŀəĥøæß was found dead in the upstairs bedroom of his mansion in Transylvania, New York; an autopsy revealed that he had been poisoned with a substance similar to sulfuric acid or H2SO4, believed to be the main ingredient in Jolt Cola. While no trial has yet taken place, some conspiracy theorists believe that Frank may have some connection to the possible murder. If you've ever been very, very rich, and then lost it all, you know the pain that comes with the experience.
Frank's health has reportedly been in sharp decline since the death of his close friend, and the fact that Đùşśąŀəĥøæß was the sole possessor of the equipment and miscellaneous knowledge necessary to revitalize the dead makes it increasingly likely that if anything happens to Frank, he will not make it into a third life.
Death[edit | edit source]
Chris Frank came to an unfortunate and untimely death when he was 40 or something like that. He died after eating a ham sandwhich. Or maybe it was bologna. He had a funeral that some people came to and they mourned his death for like 2 minutes, I think.
Afterlife[edit | edit source]
Chris Frank went to some place somewhere after he died or somethin like that... or maybe he reincarnated... I dont know. Something like that.
Frank today[edit | edit source]
After his purported "death", Frank secretly fled England on a banana barge bound for the glorious US of A to forge a new life as the Senior Vice President of Nintendo's Marketing and Corporate Communication branch.
Potential Sequel?[edit | edit source]
Okay, so somehow the camera withstood the bomb (God knows how) and there are new characters, but the story is set in Tokyo, Japan, because SOMEHOW Rob withstood the bomb too (yeah, like that ever made sense). So far this is the only plot speculation:
- Jackie Chan is in it. Apparently he saves the Japs from the monster.
- The Cloverfield monster is in it.
- The parasites are in it.
- Rob is still in it, and is still like the main dude.
- The Cloverfield monster takes a new form.
- The parasites also take a new form.
- The Japanese Prime Minister then blames George Bush for global warming resulting in the creation of this monster, thus creating a dispute which results in World War 4. Did I forget to mention the fight against the Cloverfield monster counts as a World War?
- Instead of hundreds of extras for the movie they just hired one smiling Chinese man and re-shot him in different spots.
- It's confirmed that Rob had sex with Beth.
- Beth is still dead. That's right, Rob is a necrophiliac.
- The movie ends with all of Japan getting bombed..... just like in World War II, except it's all of Japan.
J.J. Abrams has confirmed he would like to film a sequel from the monster's point of view. He was quoted as saying "Yeh, I would like to see what people think of a movie from an angle that isn't conventional, like this time the monster will be holding the Sony Camcorder. I mean, who doesn't want to see Japan having the crap stomped out of it by a big pair of feet?"
Should you see it?[edit | edit source]
Well, if you do, than make sure you have 5 bottles of tums, the camera is shaky. I mean REALLY shaky. You will not understand a thing that's going on.
Hoax images of Chris Frank's pet Chihuahua[edit | edit source]
Criticism[edit | edit source]
About 100% of critics found that there should have been more of HUD on the screen.
When Will the Attack Begin?[edit | edit source]
The Attack of the 500-foot Chris Frank will begin on a Tuesday, not far from the Independence, Missouri bus stop you normally pass on your way to work. At approximately six seconds past six minutes past six hours into the day (that's 06:06:06, derived from the number of the beast), 500-foot Chris will rise from the depths of a nearby underground train station, cracking the ground as he rises up. He will carry two train carriages all the way to downtown Kansas City; the carraiges which will then be thrown into the two tallest buildings in the vicinity.
But on which day, exactly will these events occur? To discover the horrific truth about that, we must plunge into the mysterious and wondrous world of numerology, Mayan calendars, and Microsoft Project 2.0. Jesus along with other tall buildings (and even taller XBox) for scale.
The answer is, of course, that this horrific event will take place on January the 1st in the year 2011 [just a few short months from now! - ed.]. The explanation for this is very simple. As we all know from our introductory-level World History courses, January the 1st 2004 was the 40² anniversary of the first 404 error (aka the day when the sky went blank, another cosmic-scale disaster), which took place in January the 1st in the year 404. Since 2004 minus 404 is 1600, which is also mysteriously the same as the number 40 squared, we can cancel out the duplicates in the key numbers 404 and 40, leaving us with a single "4", which would of course be the number of either days, months, or years left from January the 1st 2004 until the day when the gigantic Chris is unleashed. And, since January the 4th and April the 1st of 2004 have both already passed without the attack of the 500-foot Chris actually taking place, the "4" must refer the number of years from January the 1st 2004 until the fearsome event, which would place the date at January the 1st 2008. Strangely enough, that day also "happens" to be a Tuesday, and the year 2008 also just "happens" to be a leap year. In addition, 2008 is the year in which George Bush ends his term. Coincidence?
Thus we must now surmise that the attack of The 500-foot Chris will take place at exactly 06:06:06 on Tuesday the 1st of January, 2008, on the dot. (AM of course; PM would just be a waste of time.) By these calculations, the 500-foot Chris therefore has exactly 1,815 days to wreak massive cosmic-scale havoc until the dark day of December 21st, 2012 (or 20121221, using ISO date formatting), when the world will finally end and the omniverse shall collapse into itself. The year 2012 also "happens" to be leap year, just like 404 and 2008. See? Thus will Nostradamus finally be proven wrong, since he stupidly predicted that all of this would occur a full three days later.
Chris Frank's birthday[edit | edit source]
On March 28, 2018, President Arnold Swartzenagger, a longtime Frank fan, signed a document to make Chris Frank's Birthday an official national holiday. The then-President said at the event, "Maybe Chris can come up here and punish Kenan." Just then, President Abraham Lincoln and his army of undead Presidents went on a rampage in front of the White House. Chris Frank jumped to the rescue and annihilated the zombies!
How to know if you are a stalker[edit | edit source]
“If I were a stalker, I'd know her license plate number, but she's always driving into the sun for some reason”
- When people walk by you and make a coughing sound that sounds more like *cough stalker ahem cough* you know you’re a stalker. Take a hint!
- When you look at a person and then don’t stop looking at them. With the exception of your husband/wife.
- When you change your schedule to be near them to watch them.
- When you care more about them than yourself.
- You get confused between what is their life and what is your life.
- When you lick people you know for no reason
- When you wear glasses as thick as binoculars and can trans-dimensionally travel
- When you start to draw pictures of them
- When you set up false email accounts for them and pretend that you are indeed them
- When you google their name over and over to try to find information about them
- When you day-dream constantly about what it would be like for them to actually know you
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Frank infamously wears a heavy metal bolt, which runs straight through the back of his neck. In a 1998 interview, he revealed that the bolt (which he has worn since his revitalization in 1975) serves no mechanical or other function, but it is his favorite piece of decorative jewelry.
- He is infamous for his sharp and sometimes pointed wit. When asked, for example, about the period between 1790 and 1975, he responded that "apart from the War of 1812, the Louisiana Purchase, the Civil War, emancipation, the Spanish-American War, World War I, the Great Depression, World War II, the Cold War, the Vietnam War, the Sexual Revolution, recreational drugs, lava lamps, and the release of Dark Side of the Moon, nothing really happened anyway".
- Frank later claimed he never said any such thing; in his own words, his own words were "who cares?"
- He is popularly but erroneously believed to have invented the glass armonica. He himself has stated that he despises the instrument, and that the one good thing about it is that it's nice and fragile, but friends claim he does have a very strong interest in music – in particular electric guitars. During a recent remake of Nosferatu, filmed on-location in the east wing of his mansion, he himself composed and recorded the majority of the soundtrack, which he wrote "in a desperate attempt to shatter their bloody eardrums and get them out of my house".
- Frank is an ordained minister in the Unglican church, to which he converted at the age of twenty-three after foolishly being pitied by Mr. T (prior to his conversion he was, like most of his family, a devout Deist).
Klaus[edit | edit source]
The kind of wimp to get beaten at school. Klaus always had to show-off his vocabulary. He tells kind people who are telling the meaning of words that he already knew it. Legend was told that he lost his bonkers at school ever since each of his teacher started teaching. He eats with books, sleeps with books, bathes with books, plays with books, etc. Yeah, this kind of person obviously shares a great feeling with books. Poor books, poor misfortunate books.
Lemony Snicket, the Foodstuff[edit | edit source]
I'm sure many of you reading this article have heard the expression "to bite the dust". The phrase, of course, is figurative. Figurative is the opposite of literal - a word which here means "I mean what I say, bitch" - and, as such, "to bite the dust" does not literally mean to consume or chew any amount of dust particles. The phrase, figuratively, means to "fall to the ground, wounded or dead". While it is debatable whether the figurative or literal meaning of the word are a more unpleasant experience, it is agreeable that both are not desirable. And although one's dust allergy could certainly make both a worse experience, both are far more acceptable than the repulsive experience of reading this repugnant article.
Unless you are some kind of dust fanatic, I'm sure you would find biting into something sweet and delicious more delightful than biting into dust or reading this article. One such treat would be the Lemony Snicket. A sumptuous dessert made with lemons, beets, xylophone, a wild snicket, and a large amount of powdered sugar, the Lemony Snicket is a delectable dish to serve a large party during a gregarious social gathering - a word which here means "a gathering of people" - or perhaps to poison an important diplomat from a strange, far-off land. I have eaten many Lemony Snickets in my time, as well as lots of Double Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, yet no matter how many sugary food items I have eaten they will never be able to mend my perpetual melancholy.
== VFD ==
VFD is a secret organization, an organization to which my sweet Beatrice and I are linked. Originally, their goal was to prevent fires, full of friendly, volunteers - a word which here means "person who has volunteered" - but it it my depressing duty to report that it did not stay that way. I would like to say that the volunteers remained handy and cheerful forever, stopping fires and helping old ladies cross the street. Maladroitly, this is not the case in reality, and it is my task to report the events as they occurred, regardless of whether or not they could have turned out better. Although it is my task to chronicle my life for this Uncyclopedia article, it is not too late for you to leave. It is too late, however, for my sweet, darling Beatrice.
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this page is no longer a secret .
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The Access Codes:
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DUMBLEDORE DIES IN ONE OF THE MOVIES!!
The internet gives you viruses :(
Red is the new black.
It's a secret....shhh!!!
....................././././.[edit | edit source]
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HI[edit | edit source]
HELLO[edit | edit source]
HOLA[edit | edit source]
BONJOUR[edit | edit source]
GOODBYE[edit | edit source]
BYE[edit | edit source]
Grammer[edit | edit source]
Wed pai attentiopn two spellingk buit noboddis carrews
This Article[edit | edit source]
We'd finish this article, but nobody ca
See also[edit | edit source]
This See Also section is, like this article on a whole, cheerless and somber. Although it is my despondent doom to record my life, it is not too late for you to... Oh, wait. Nevermind. It is too late for you to leave, because you have completed reading this article. I suppose now you will become a dejected and grief-stricken person, like I once was. Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Benjamin Franklin
- Jolt Cola
- A Series of Unfortunate Events
- C.S. Lewis
Maybe that should have been said earlier. Oh well, prepare to be sued/decapitated!
Article written in the style of its subject
This article is funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is because you are an ignorant cultural philistine on account of having not consumed the same media the writer has. Shame on you.