| Hawthorn Times and Review
April 17, 2021 18:37 UTC
Four Palestinians killed in panty raid
"Those nerds saw me naked," says witness
24 May 2006
RAMALLAH -- In the center of the West Bank city of Ramallah, terrorism reared its ugly foreskin on Wednesday during a panty raid. Authorities on the scene are still investigating, and are baffled by the cause of exploding undergarments.
Mohammed al-Shubukibuki, a leading member of the [insert name here] Jihad group, was arrested for questioning by Israeli police. A spokesmean said that he was linked to a roadside bombing where the victim was left underwearless and slightly seared when they stopped for a potty break.
Rumors that the international corporation, Victoria's Secret, is pulling completely out of the Gaza Strip has caused widespread panic among Isreali and Palestinian women alike. As staff from the lingerie chain began pulling out of the square, they were pelted with rocks, and a crowd of people flooded into the streets, chasing the departing Humvee's filled with panties and push-up bras.
"The Israeli government and Army are doing their best to increase tensions and destroy the truce," said the spokesman of whatever Jihad, Jar Jar al Abdul-Binks. "All the fun has gone out of living in refugee camps now that there is no way to perpetrate a panty raid without the fear of being blown up...those bastards!!!"
US Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, had this to say, "We understand that Middle Easterners take their panty raids seriously. W00T, boy do I know! We are prepared to aid in any way possible to make panty raids safer for combatants and non-combatants alike!"
Over 5,000 Palestinian deaths have been attributed to "panties violence" in the past two years. Politicians in Iran are discussing mounting panty raids into Israel, in support of their Muslim Fundamentalist comrades.
New Zealand National Party only wants the Flintstones as immigrants
29 July 2006
NEW ZEALAND, Australia -- The New Zealand National Party leader, Dr. Don Brash says that they only want immigrants who accept the "bedrock values" of New Zealand society. Brash said to the Association for Migration and Investment: "New Zealand should not welcome those who want to live here and not bring in bedrock values of other cultures, because we just don't want them as they confuse us so!"
Dr. Brash says that the following are the "bedrock values":
David Cunliffe, Immigration Minister, said: "The National Party leader's comments are pejorative and insulting."
Weather - Quick Edit
ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- Sarah Palin begins her whirlwind tour of her newest book, fittingly titled Going Rouge. Sources tell that it was originally going to be called Story of an Average Maverick Hockey-Mom, but Palin refuted that title, calling it "anti-un-Americana."
GROUND ZERO, New York City -- Supporters of the Tea Party movement have demonstrated in opposition to plans to "display the severed heads of 9/11 victims on spikes at Ground Zero." Supporters of the proposal, however, accuse opponents of being "misleading" and "hysterical."
Florida -- The United States briefly jumped ahead in the months-long battle between Muslims and Christians to give the other side gratuitous offense when Pastor Terry Jones designated next Saturday as the first "Burn a Koran Day."
Royal Mounties doing FBI's job: Gene Shalit captured
16 May 2007
MONTREAL, Canada - Two Service de police de la Ville de Montréal and two Royal Mounties were on coffee break at a local Dunkin Donuts when one of the FBI's "Ten Most Wanted" fugitives came in and joined them at the front counter and ordered a biscuit and coffee.
Momentarily, the cops were fooled by Richard Steve George Frank Bob Goldberg's disguise. "Yeah, it came to me ay, nobody orders a biscuit an' coffeee at a Dunkin Donuts, ay," says one of the two Mounties on the scene. "Right, when he introduced himself as Wayne Terry O'malley-Smythe," says one of the Montreal officers, "it didn't bother so much until I heard him order the biscuit, ay. I just knew he was guilty of something, ay."
The ruffian quickly saw that he was both outwitted and overpowered by the authorities and immediately gave himself up. But not without critiqing them first. However, the Royal Mounties, who are known for not taking criticism to well, proceeded to beat the shit out of him and stomped on his biscuit once or twice.
Richard Steve George Frank Bob Goldberg (aka Gene Shalit) is widely known for bad taste and a slightly noticeable weird smell.
According to the FBI web site, the specific U.S. charges against Goldberg stemming from incidents that allegedly took place in 2001, are: kitten huffing (production of kitten huffing pornography), unlawful flight to avoid prosecution, six counts of lewd acts upon a donut, and two counts of possession of weed.
Canadian authorities are holding Goldberg in Montreal currently on immigration-related violations, but really they want his weed. When Goldberg/O-malley-Smythe/Shalit hands over the weed, Canadian authorities will toss him over to the FBI. However, it may take a visit fom his brother, Bill Goldberg, to butter them up a little and sign a few autographs, just to get them to turn over Shalit to the less brutal FBI.
Past News Articles
Michael Bloomberg Prepared to spend 1 Billion Dollars for White House
15 May 2007
Washington DC - President George Bush has officially placed the "for sale" stake in the nation's 1st front lawn today. A teary-eyed Barbara commented, "Oh-yeah, we're gonna get a good price for this place this time around."
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is said to be prepared to spend 1 billion dollars of his own money for the White House in the 2008 auction, according to Wikipedia.
Bloomberg is said to have 5.5 billion ga-jillion dollars and his closest advisers and friends have said he is prepared to spend 1 billion of it in a bid for the property. Also, his advisors say he has passed "GO" and has a "Get out of Jail Free" card at his disposal. So he is prepared to go around as many times as it takes.
McCain, who also is raising money for the 2008 bid, is having personnel problems. "Some of McCain's people have been calling me to see if Mikey is running because they are ready to leave the McCain campaign, which is a biplane on fire and spiraling down," the Bloomberg adviser said. McCain was not available for comment.
It is rumored that Bloomberg may attempt the same tactics that H. Ross Perot. Perot (Pronounced pee - rot), the Texas ga-jillionaire, ran in the 1992 presidential campaign a faux hostile take-over attempt, that was,in reality, a successful effort to evict George H.W. Bush out of the White House for failing to answer his phone call.
Bloomberg, although denying that he will enter the race, continues to tease the interest of the media. He has already stated that "Global warming" started in NYC and must be "stopped here." In addition, Bloomberg is an announced enemy of the tobacco and gun industry and is adding to his list the manufacturers of trans fats, including the Hostess Corp. maker of Twinkies. Bloomberg has secretly harbored a deep-seated hatred of the popular cake for decades. "Some say it's unreasonable, I say 'I can hate 'em if I want to!'" After all, there's no reason why human beings should smoke, have weapons or eat trans fats "when it doesn't suit my whim!"
A well-known champion of all underdogs - - except his own enemies list - - Bloomberg, a self-proclaimed "homosexualist," has appointed numerous gays as commissioners, and has advanced the cause of LAMBDA with the particular appointment of former LAMBDA official Martha Stark as Commissioner of the Department of Finance. She in turn has appointed as members of her executive staff hommosexuals from all walks of life. In a joint press conference they said "It's about time the straights understand what kind of pain they have inflicted on poor, oppressed gays." "We Queer! We're here ! and we're in your faaaace!!! joyfully exclaimed Bloomberg, Stark and their staffs in unison. "It's payback time" Stark quietly added with Bloomberg looking on approvingly.
Bloomberg is reportedly having a series of certified checks cut to the names of the most serious contenders in both political parties in the race as well as the Bushes. "I'm not going to run a half-baked campaign like that twit Perot," using the correct pronunciation. Bloomberg took pains to make the point that he "would not leave the little guy out" implying that several million smaller checks would be cut, but dated for after the Presidential election. "I think I can overcome all opposition to my ideas, including in the Middle East," he said patting his checkbook significantly.
What is most tantalizing is that in addition to a presidential run, it is also rumored that Bloomberg has spoken to Republican state Senate leader Joseph L. Bruno about a possible run for NYS governor. Bloomberg refused comment, but his press office commented "not for attribution" that there's no question in the Mayor's mind that he could easily do either job." But the Mayor has often made the amazing boast that he has "no doubt" he "could run the country and be New York's governor at the same time." Moreover, the Mayor's press office added that the Mayor could simultaneously run two campaigns, and win both offices because "it's only a bit more money."
The billionaire Mayor would have little trouble raising campaign funds. In the past the Mayor has refused matching funds because it would limit use of his own money. He is known to say that for him "campaign funds are like bottle deposit money to the average family." Bottle deposits in NYC are five cents a bottle or can.
In a past interview, Mayor Bloomberg has acknowledged that there are some who are not enamoured of him "But there are always stupid people in the world." He continued "Most people find money acceptable to convince them to do something they would not otherwise do, even if they don't like the source." He added "You can buy anyone off," he chuckled "that is, I can!
In addition to rumors of a presidential or governor's run, the Mayor has also been heard to be considering other ways to "kill time" after he leaves office as New York City's Mayor. He has said to close friends, "I could also be a fireman, or maybe a cowboy."