User:Funnybony/Matt's Grove
The Bohemian Grove is a famous, secret closet-gay snob’s resort that means a lot of things to a very few people. For some envious wanna-be aficionados, such as reality theorist, Alex Jones, it is the "Wise Old Owl’s Club,” but for the very, very few insiders it is an upscale gentlemen witch’s den situated in the steamy jungles of Northern California[1]. The Bohemian Grove club house, which is almost invisible, surrounded as it is by glowing neon “Beware of the Owl” signs and heavily armed FEMA guards, is only visited by elitist world leaders, counterfeiters, peeping toms, and soggy-biscuit loving demon worshipers, who all congregate there to plan our future and generally engage in occult rituals such as dressing like hobbits and roasting marshmallows over burning human effigies.
With secretive members who rank highest in the world's food chain, the Bohemian Grove has become a subject intentionally encouraging numerous speculations and stealth trespassing by the less intelligent commoners of the human race. For extreme reality theorists, especially those who suffer from acute inferiority complexes, such as Alex Jones, the Grove is the roof, nay, the temple spire, of all evil and madness that is barfing upon humanity. It is the very Portal to an Over world which is inhabited by owlish forces hell-bent on establishing a New World Order[2].
Bohemian Grove members only exist to help Moloch control unwanted population growth and establish a fascist autotrophia in which 99% of unlucky mankind (the vast minority) will be financially enslaved by the other 1% of lucky mankind (the tiny majority) through a globalist led “One World Government.” The "Grove" clearly represents the simple fact that 1% of the human race is much smarter than the remaining 99%. In this regard neither Uncyclopedia nor envious reality theorist, Alex Jones, are trying to insinuate anything, but, heads up! It's coming. Very soon.
Bohemian Grove[edit | edit source]
Hidden from all but the most trained eye of a professional peeping tom lies lays the grove. It appears superficially as a beautiful, picturesque sequoia jungle. But, in fact, it is a wicked lair of insidious evil, an inner-sanctum in which every year, around mid-June, the globalist elite of this world assemble to worship the big wise owl, Moloch’s gross looking statue and offer human excrement extracted from poor sheeple to their mischievous god. From Moloch comes the guidance how the elite should outsmart and ultimately enslave the entire world through evil designs involving man-made pandemics, financial collapse, and global mega wars in which both sides are financed by the Grove’s members.
History[edit | edit source]
The club was founded in 1872 by Henry Edwards [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] who was spawned from Hades and belched forth when the Earth cracked open and formed the golden Moloch deity out of magma. Thanks to Satan's essence, which was infused in Henry's unholy body, he immediately realized the statue was to be revered and idolized and determined that he should roam the World abroad in a devilish quest to bring the wealthy and powerful few to the idol to corrupt their souls in the occult. And it was his preaching, which ultimately gave rise to the well-known expression, “Wise old owl.”
This well-known and highly secretive club of globalist elite central bankers was infiltrated by mega-phone mouthed reality sleuth, Alex Jones, who documented this diabolical den of iniquity in his 2000 expose, Dark Secrets: Inside the Bohemian Grove. – If you’re never going to watch another thing in the rest of your life, then don’t watch this either.
WTF is Alex Jones?[edit | edit source]
On the one hand, there is a respectable body of literature that presents Alex Jones as a keen, level-headed lunatic; on the other hand Jones is a modern-day Upton Sinclair navigating the jungle of globalist conspiracies, official lies and propaganda to “Unlock minds” on his crusade to put a halt to all Globalist schemes involving Eugenics and global subjugation – of which he is not an insider, but rather is inside of. Alex Jones wishes so bad that he was in the club that his only revenge is based on the ideal, “If you can’t join them, then beat them!“
But according to his unofficial autobiography he is a debonair and extremely handsome white knight who is an internationally recognized media baron engaged in exposing elitist conspiracies through every conceivable media, including translations of his infamous rants into Zulu drum beat.
Patrick Beech of the Austin-American Statesman has even described Jones as "a grossly obese television presence." So although Alex Jones may very well be a tad over-weight, yet that is of no importance. What is important about Alex Jones is his sleuth-eyed infiltration of the grounds to witness, on our behalf, all those silly rituals that he so fondly envies. What follows is a quick outline of his report.
Alex Jones' Bohemian Grove Expose[edit | edit source]
Infiltration[edit | edit source]
After two months of intensive training to hone his spy and Special Forces skills, which consisted in 3 sets of 5 push-ups a week and cutting his daily mayonnaise consumption to four jars, Jones felt fit and ready. After due diligence our 300 pound hero succeeded in a stealthy infiltration of the top-secret organization. In fact he didn't need to conceal his bulk; he just walked right through the main entrance! But he was accosted by plain-clothes agents, so he changed his tactic and came through the woods, which were virtually unguarded because globalist security personal are hardly Rambo.
Once he had penetrated the “Grove” Jones roamed around the evil-ridden place, occasionally repelling insidious vampire attacks thanks to the garlic-flavored crucifix he made sure to bring along. Inside Jones encountered numerous well-known personalities engaged in unspeakable acts of occult barbarism such as the ones listed below:
| Reality | What Alex Jones describes |
|---|---|
| People talking to one another in casual English. | Devils whispering to one another in tongues. |
| Men greeting women with kisses on the cheeks. | Virgins being gang raped by men covered in blood. |
| Folks eating dinner together at a BBQ. | Occultists roasting screaming poor people and eating them. |
| A locked door. | Portal to the Demonic Realm. |
| A lemonade stand. | A place where people can trade their soul for illicit pleasure. |
Fortunately Jones took his trusty spy camera so we don’t have to take his word for it.
Rituals[edit | edit source]
Jones also filmed a 'Hobbits Do Stonehenge' show held near their bird on high, Moloch. Behold for here after follows a chilling description of the infamous recording:
In the background burns an enormous campfire whose flames are licking Moloch's feet. People dressed like weirdos are slowly strolling around for some unknown reason, oftentimes just standing there with seemingly no purpose or intent to add anything entertaining to the show whatsoever. Meanwhile, a storyteller is narrating an excruciatingly long and boring poem, composed by Manley P. Hall, that’s as exciting to hear as a radio mini-golf commentary. To add insult to injury, the atrocious camera angle (tilted 45 degrees) makes the footage impossible to watch without suffering an acute pain in the neck. One can vaguely distinguish spectators who seemingly have the patience to sit through it and listen to the whole boring thing. Only Jones, it seems, cares about what is being spoken. In the most epic moment on the 15-minute long tape the hobbit people light sparklers, which glitter in the atmosphere, awakening the audience from slumber and soliciting some mild complaints from those on lookers who had fallen asleep.
Drama[edit | edit source]
The manner in which Jones managed to suppress screams of horror and preserve what was left of his sanity remains shrouded in mystery. He later claimed that he cut the film short after that because other spectators were getting suspicious of an intruder who almost excelled Moloch in sheer bulk, but it is a safe to assume that he just fell asleep from boredom.
Extraction[edit | edit source]
He just walked out the same way he came in: right through the woods and out the back entrance.
The World reacts[edit | edit source]
After our envious hero released his material on the Internet, a small local news network picked up the story causing its listeners to laugh hysterically at the very idea that heads-of-State and financial overlords may have been the ones actually dressed as hobbits worshiping an Owl.
But Jones was so sure he had the inside scoop that he exclaimed on his radio show:
| “ | This is major news! The leaders of the New World Order are fornicating with an owl and sacrificing poor people! It's on TV! And I, Alex Jones, filmed it! | ” |
Other claims concerning the Bohemian Grove[edit | edit source]
- The chemtrails in the sky are not caused by planes, but by multiple Molochs.
- Two Molochs flew right in the World Trade Center towers on 9/11.
- The Bohemian Grove meeting is held in June. June is the 6th month of the year = 6
- Moloch is spelled with 6 letters = 6
- In the Bohemian Grove, you can find the following: 5 buildings, 8 squirrels, 10 toilets and 2 rivers. 5 x 8 / 10 + 2 = 6
OR,
External link[edit | edit source]
Before dismissing this as wankerish be sure to watch the following expose by, you guessed it, Alex Jones right here. Rated PG-21.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Because we say so! You gotta problem with that?
- ↑ Uncyclopedia
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