User:Frosty/Franklin D. Roosevelt (1)

“I won't stand for this!”

– FDR on Polio

Portrait of FDR. Out of frame to the bottom: Wheelchair.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (also referred to as "Frankie on Wheels" Roosevelt) (1882 - 1945) was the Jesus of the United States of America during a period in which he held America's popular government hostage with the aid of endless fireside chats that left people viewing him as a Jewish mother-in-law. He was elected to an unprecedented four terms in a row by divine right. He famously created his theocratic campaign slogan: "Don't change malevolent god-kings in midstream." Despite the obvious handicap of being unable walk, he led his nation to great heights until America was forced to make a late entry into World War II in 1941.

Roosevelt, more popularly known as FDR, successfully hid his crippled status from view for his entire reign. He had been badly maimed and lost the use of his legs during 1921, when Emperor Hirohito comically dropped a anvil on him from atop a rickety ladder, rendering him paralysed from the waist down. After overcoming this and other adversities early on in his life, Roosevelt secured the presidency as the Democratic candidate in 1933 in the wake of an embarressing trio of Republican presidents.

Living up to his promise of making things better for Americans during the Depression years with his catchy "New Deal", Roosevelt, just simply refused to quit when the job was done. In the end it became nessecary for drastic action during his fourth term, when he was finally assassinated by poor health on April 12th at the request of embarressed former president Herbert Hoover. Unfortunately for American morale, this meant arch rivals Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini were able to outlive their beloved cripple by an impressive two weeks. In the wake of FDR, Americans agreed that "two terms was enough", however this did not account for "family ties" in the early 2000s.

Early life and family

Not his father. Not his uncle. Not his anything. Stop asking!

Roosevelt was born on January 30th 1882 to parents James and Sara Roosevelt. Please pay attention here, because we are only going to say this once: Teddy Roosevelt was not an immediate family member, so don't you dare go asking that again. Born into a wealthy New York family that traced its ancestry back to the Netherlands, Franklin enjoyed all the pirks of the upper class such as money, large plots of land, an inside track into politics and many generations of inbreeding proven when he later married his fifth cousin once removed.

Roosevelt's Political Career

Serving a staggering twelve years in office, Roosevelt was the longest reigning president in the country’s history. His administration was ingenious and rallied the suffering nation’s spirits better than any other candidate of the day. It was Roosevelt’s rigorous New Deal which helped to pull the United States out of the Great Depression. It was his double-barreled Remington which opened the banks.

As a lawyer, Roosevelt held an impressive court record; he never lost a single case. His time at Columbia Law School had given him prominent regulation skills, but his youth in the streets of New York provided him with an indomitable vivacity. Each time his case seemed on the brink of destruction, he would miraculously pull his double-barreled Remington shotgun from his tote bag and blast the opposing attorney dead. When asked to explain his actions, Roosevelt would slyly say, “Your honor, with no defense, what is the point of proceeding?” Old Faithful, the natural geyser in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, is named after Roosevelt’s "most trusted resource."

Roosevelt's Career in Terrorism

That bastard was not a terrorist, he was a damn COMMUNIST! He served many missions with Al Gayda. Eleanor was his wife and his cousin, which is not wrong okay, he just married his cousin! He also hates America, who doesn't? I hate everyone including newborn babies. We should kill all of them! But then he realized that he did have a brain and wasn't a Republican. It was then that single-handedly destroyed both fascism and communism in the United States.

Time Spent with chicks

During the early 1890s A young (and by young I mean old) Franklin Roosevelt teemed up with an old (and by old I mean young) chick in his pants. The duo were known for picking fights, drinking hard, and often TPing Castle Greyskull. Most of FDR's understanding of politics came from the time he spent with the chick in his pants.

Disability

Franklin Roosevelt is historicly known as "The only president with polio." Yet many do not know that what really caused his disability of the legs was when in 1905, his uncle, Theodore "Tenacious D" Roosevelt, stage-dived onto him after an opiate-induced impromptu speech on top of the White House. To spare the family embarrassment, the disability was blamed on polio.

Marriages

Franklin Roosevelt was first married to Sappho of Lesbos(560BC to 540BC) then later in the 20th century to Elenor Roosevelt and later in the 21th century to Ellen DeGeneres, Anne Heche and Portia De Rossi. With the last marriage ending after the state of Californication Gropanator Arnutt SchwarScoredaMaid changed the marriage legislation so that a man can have only one dyke at a time in accordance to Arnutt's own petty newly found religious beliefs.

Walkin' On The Sun

After successfully creating the world's first cyborg llama, FDR headed to vegas to hang out with Hitler for a couple of years. It was here that his first (and most successful) studio album, entitled "Walkin' On The Sun" was recorded. He would later divulge the fact that the album was actually inspired by his year long on-foot trek across the sun's surface.

With the help of Hitler, FDR then created a heat-resistant trampoline which he jumped on for over 10 hours before making it high enough to be pulled back to earth via gravity (the force). As soon as he returned, he high-fived Hitler after punching Hitler directly in the face.

It's been thought that Hitler held a grudge against him and alike any Southern Democrat kolonel, he invited him to a draw but FDR declined.

Super-Powers and Business Plot of 1933

Possessing many different abilities, Roosevelt was able to transform lead into gold, breathe fire, and recite the epic poem “Beowulf” in its entirety, forward as well as backward, in the traditional Old English. His most famous display of power came in 1933, when the Business Plot was formulated, an unsuccessful coup assembled by many wealthy businessmen to overthrow his administration; citing the imminent threat of a dictatorship, they sought retribution at the Veterans of Foreign War Convention of 1934.

It was Prescott Bush, father to future President George H. W. Bush, who was to be appointed as leader of the operation, but matters never got underway. Roosevelt had been overseeing their progress in his castle atop Whiteface Mountain in his native New York, spying on their every move through his crystal ball. The night before their strike on the White House, Roosevelt telekinetically transported into their headquarters and vaporized their resources with his heat vision.

Becoming a Black Mailman

After destroying communism, Roosevelt realized that he could no longer live in the White House, especially since he had burned it down. He found a studio apartment located in a small province in Northern Canada. Here, he met Hitler and the two embarked on many "shenanigans" together, even going so far as to dabble in "tomfoolery." In 1987, the duo made headlines after an eyewitness identified them as the couple who senselessly "gallavanted" on Rodeo Drive while wearing several layers of clothing and using Juliette Lewis for roller skates. The two were later acquitted of charges when it was discovered that the eye witness was in fact the flaming carcass of a dead hobo, but this did not put an end to their "escapades." Things came to a screeching halt in 1998 when they were sentenced to life without parole after they were charged with Grand Theft Auto, Vehicular Manslaughter, 27 counts of First Degree Murder, First Degree Assault With a Deadly Weapon, and Kitten Huffing. However, after wooing the judge with their "donkey show," their sentence was reduced to life without parole, and they were once again on their "mischievous" way. Ten years after the trial, Roosevelt murdered and ate Lavigne, thus affording him the power to commandeer the Starship Enterprise and successfully eradicate polio while making a phone call and eating a Chalupa all at the same time. Roosevelt then settled down on his own in rural Tennessee and became a Black Milkman. One day, he stumbled across an old book in the cellar of his new home and decided to read it. After remembering that he couldn't read, he was determined to learn. He immediately regretted his capriciousness in the years past, when he could have been doing something productive like learning to read and write, or how to artificially inseminate Musk Oxen. But Roosevelt couldn't find any schools who would accept him, so he decided to live out his dream of becoming a Black Mailman, thus ignoring his other dream of being a Jewish librarian.

Roosevelt and World War II

Upon the United States’ plunge into World War II, Roosevelt gained Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin’s esteem by utilizing his masterful skills of intimidation. On November 28, 1943, he forced them to watch as he wrestled and killed a Kodiak bear with his bare hands on the lawn of the Iranian conference. Later that night at the Tripartite Dinner Meeting, Roosevelt ate a live bulldog with a bicycle chain and a rusty fish knife.

“You simply could not overlook the symbolism in his act,” Churchill said. Stalin was less eloquent – “I kill thousands of people every day, but this man…he has my respect.”

During the war, Roosevelt had to do a juggling act for supplies among his commanders, namely Hitler, Stalan, Hitler, and Hitler. Roosevelt was able to solve the problem by literally using them as juggling balls and telling them to make peace. Marshall then ruled out having Roosevelt directly take command of the troops, fearing that his use would be a war crime.

New Deal Legislation

• FDR, in an attempt to increase his mobility, created the "rockets for wheelchairs" program. During the testing for which, 3 dozen vietnamese sweatshop workers were killed.
• In his first term, passed the "Socks and Sandals" act, which allowed the Germans to virtually molest our eyes with their hideous sense of fashion.
• FDR passed a law that gave him, like James Bond, a license to kill, which he used often.
• In his third term, he became the first president to establish a colony of adorable kittens on the planet Mercury. Sadly, every single adorable kitten was burned to a crisp within half a second of their arrival.
• FDR legislated to change the dreaded term "Socialist" to "People's Heroic Leaders".
• And most of all, FDR only cared about the white poor from the then-Dixiecratic South, the New Deal didn't apply to his fellow Mahogany-toned Americans.

“The New Deal was a failure because of FDR's failure to help the rich. What's all this crap about the poor? What have the POOR ever done for me?”

~ Hillary Clinton on would probably say this

Death

Franklin D. Roosevelt died on April 12, 1945 in Toilet Water Springs, Cal. (east of Palm Springs) after he overdosed on marshmallows, suffered a heart attack, fell and hit his head. He was 64 years old. Showing just how hard he was, on the third day he rose again, and dug his own grave with his bare hands. He was finished within five minutes.

It's been said that a crazed little marshmallow man assassinated FDR by purposely being swallowed, then puncturing all his vital organs, but that's bullshit.

Another theory was the Mob, made up of his fiercely loyal Catholic ethnic base did a "hit", placed his crippled white legs in a bucket of cement and thrown him into the Warm Springs water with the "fishies".

See also

• Adolf Hitler
• Great Depression
• World War II
• JFK
• LBJ

Preceded by: Herbert Hoover

President of the United States 1933-1945 AD

Succeeded by: Harry Truman

Presidents of the United States

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