Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Press Room/20

Delivery again

Here it is. Thanks to anyone who gets it done. --Chiefjustice3DS 19:55, January 4, 2012 (UTC)

Done. And thanks for plugging TAW by the way. MadMax 21:05, January 4, 2012 (UTC)

Mon, I have a bot specifically for this you know... 1234 ~ 22:13, 4 January 2012

Cheers Max, a day early is better than a day late. Thanks for reminding me about TAW, I'll do some more on it next week. Lyrithya, do you want me to post it on your talk page in future so the bot can do it? Wasn't sure if you were around enough to do it, sorry. --Chiefjustice3DS 22:28, January 4, 2012 (UTC)

Can I just give you the account password and let you click the button? >.> Were I any good at bots, it'd be automated like fnoodle... but I'm not. And I'm too lazy to figure out how. 1234 ~ 15:40, 5 January 2012

If you like. I may just go mad with the power though. --Chiefjustice3DS 19:52, January 5, 2012 (UTC)

You're not already mad with power? 1234 ~ 21:41, 5 January 2012

I always strive to do better. --Chiefjustice3DS 22:09, January 5, 2012 (UTC)

I am back!

I Am Back 

By PopGoesTheWeasel

After days of sweating over the cookies of my slaves, I'm finally back! 

I'll be creating a few more UnSignpost articles along the way so get ready! 

Oh and by the way, my assistant is typing this for me. It's miraculous, but it wasn't Magic man who turned me into a frog this time. It was Chief and he turned me into a potato, much to my dismay.

--POP!GoesTheWeasel 07:07, January 12, 2012 (UTC)

You got turned into the sacred root of Sophia! You lucky, lucky bastard. Pup 08:40 12 Jan '12

I actually begged him before he would turn me back into myself again. I've got to beg a lot, eh? *Sigh* --POP!GoesTheWeasel 13:33, January 13, 2012 (UTC)

This week

My work times have changed for today so I am unable to finish the UnSignpost. If anyone else could swing by and pick up the slack it would be much appreciated. Here it is. --08:06, January 18, 2012 (UTC)

I went ahead and finished it for you. Feel free to delete the page out of sheer embarrassment for my edits. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 14:30, 18 January 2012

Could make more sense; the SOPA thing ends five hours after it will be delivered assuming it even gets delivered on time (and when does that ever happen anymore?)... but then again, why would anyone expect the UnSignpost to be on top of things?

Maybe Ill just add something appropriately mocking. 1234 ~ 19:45, 18 January 2012

If you could deliver it Lyrithya I would be ever so grateful. --Chiefjustice3DS 08:57, January 19, 2012 (UTC)

Dammit, is it thursday? What happened to wednesday? 1234 ~ 14:48, 19 January 2012

A blackout happened. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:09, 19 January 2012

Delivery

I practically wrote it with my blood this week. If someone could deliver it I'd be very grateful. Here it is. --Chiefjustice3DS 23:57, January 25, 2012 (UTC)

I was going to write one, but I never got around to it. And now I was going to deliver it, but I haven't gotten around to that, either. Maybe there's yet time to do some of both... after all, it is a mite short. *promptly goes back to being thoroughly distracted* 1234 ~ 01:53, 26 January 2012

Also, you're awesome to get it in at all, really. Schedule changes and other work issues to blame? Or something? Neh, I'll deliver it for reals. 1234 ~ 01:54, 26 January 2012

Another absolutely ridiculous post by an asshole

Shit Happens

By A guy who has been exposed to shit for a long, long time

Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME.

So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World is'nt fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME.

Oh, and always remember to stay on the bright side even if you are found lying naked with an underwear eight times the size of your penis and you get arrested, get thrown in jail, get beaten up by a kid who apparently is'nt a kid and get castrated unintentionally while having a sandwich crammed down your throat trying to squat in a cell and you finally get out after 5 years only to get run down by an ass in a car and you get admitted to hospital but a doctor feeds you the wrong medicine and you rot away and die and you get dumped into the sewers.

So remember kids ... always be posi-

--POP!GoesTheWeasel 08:45, January 31, 2012 (UTC)

Okay, I added it. Thank you for your contributions in our time of need. This was recent, and within the current time of need, right? 1234 ~ 05:31, 10 February 2012

Furry testicles --POP!GoesTheWeasel 15:04, February 10, 2012 (UTC)

Iwillkillyou333 Returns

Iwillkillyou333 Returns

by User:Iwillkillyou333

---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 00:50, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

This is quite possibly my favorite UnSignpost article of all time. -- 02:04, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

As per the "Never putting Magic man's favourite articles into the UnSignpost" clause, regrettably it is now unsuitable. Also, not closing <small> tags should be a capital offence.--Chiefjustice3DS 10:05, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

Dammit... -- 16:54, February 27, 2012 (UTC)

suggestion

How about for the next Unsignpost we should put "favorite alcoholic beverage", and the choice should be Mike's Hard Lemonade. Good idea eh?---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 03:59, February 27, 2012 (UTC)

Perhaps you could explain that to me; I'm not really seeing why it's funny --Chiefjustice3DS 08:31, February 27, 2012 (UTC)

I knew it. Lemonade is made of alcohol. Of course. It's simple. OMG!!! It`s Cat the Colourful, Jesus Christ!!! 08:37 27 February 2012

Sharons

Let's put the page full of Sharons! They're healthy and full of C-vitamine, tastes like honeydew and looks like tomatoes!

Good idea eh? OMG!!! It`s Cat the Colourful, Jesus Christ!!! 09:14 29 February 2012

If you write it you can do whatever you like. I'm working this afternoon and doing overtime into the early hours, I likely won't have any opportunity to produce an UnSignpost for this week. --Chiefjustice3DS 09:42, February 29, 2012 (UTC)

If Cat doesn't want it, I'd be happy to do it again. I really enjoyed doing it last time. -- 17:22, February 29, 2012 (UTC)

Ah... Sharons... Thank you, whoever put the juicy fruit there. Ah... OMG!!! It`s Cat the Colourful, Jesus Christ!!! 09:58 3 March 2012

I did the thing.

If anyone could get a bot to deliver it, that would be much appreciated. -- 21:57, February 29, 2012 (UTC)

Profit!

By a representative of Murdoch press

Profit! A word that has dogged Uncyclopedia, as most especially those pages doomed to huffing, for years. A concept that we, as a community, have overlooked in our time, and need to bring the focus back to. 

A user has recently pointed out that as a community, we are forgetting this one fundamental principle. Our growth - nay, our very survival - depends on this principle. We need to become part of the corporate machine to further our plans of world domination. To do this, we may need to advertise, and to pay for quality submissions.

Now many of you may be afraid of this. Change can be frightening, and after all, our last venture into the world of capitalism has left us falling short of the desired funds to purchase the Ferrari promote the site in the manner we were hoping for. 

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that profit, for lack of a better word, is good. Profit is right, profit works. Profit clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Profit, in all of its forms; profit for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And profit, you mark my words, will not only save Uncyclopedia, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

Editors note: There are currently a few ideas floating about in regards to the direction we are heading as a community. Forum:Uncyclopedia is, by definition, a "funny place" has a number of ideas put forward relating to the promotion and growth of the site. Your feedback would be appreciated.

Latest issue  

Is here. Anyone want to deliver it? Nominally Humane! 12:57 12 Apr

I can do. Might not be straight away, but I can do it. --Chiefjustice3DS 07:00, April 12, 2012 (UTC)

I'm putting up my idea for the article:

OK, may I introduce you to this article? And also, I want it recorded. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Aussie CUN|IC Kill | 07:38, April 12, 2012 (UTC)
A Day in the Life of an Average Uncyclopedian
Co-written by Joe9320 and Qzekrom
As usual, I wake up in my bedroom. Yes, I do the usual: I ate my breakfast, which is Uncyclopedio's with toast, grape juice (I ran out of orange juice yesterday) and a nice cup of coffee. Then I showered and brushed my teeth, but not at the same time. Afterwards I put on my clothes, and headed straight to the Village Dump by the notoriously unreliable service that is the UTA Metro. At the Village Dump, I have a chat with the other fellow Uncyclopedians at a nice cafe called BHOP, where they sell cheerful pancakes with the words emblazoned, "Benson is better than you" on the plates. I saw a large counter in which the people count to a million, one by one. I thought to myself, by the time they reached a million, it would be 2020, or later. I contributed to the counter and... whoa, they'd gotten ahead 2,000 numbers since I'd left!

I left for work to write a new article for the Uncyclomedia Association (but the sign says "Cylon Ass" on its neon lights), which was a building made of leftover construction materials, concrete, tarpaulin and held with hope. And mostly hope, as about a year ago, the building crumbled killing over 300 people below it. The article was halfway complete from yesterday, so I manage to edit it. Unlike my boss, I can't destroy someone else's document, or put it in a file and call it "top secret". But I can make amends to documents, or even write a newer, better one.

There was an IP by the name of 68.343.245.130. He seemed to be a nice guy at least, but his first work was rubbish, so I talked to him on how he can improve it. This had gone for hours, and by the time I had given feedback to at least five IPs, it was the end of my shift. I simply went back home by subway, had a hearty meal, and cried myself to sleep. This had been my routine everyday since.

Joe - I stuck what you have so far into the next issue. If you come up with more we can put it in the one following, as the current issue is pretty full already. Nominally Humane! 02:18 16 Apr

I put up another idea

I want this on;
ALL HAIL MR-EX777
Written By Mr-ex777

I'd like to recommend

This song as UnTune of the Week in honor of the ongoing VFS. --EMC ^[TALK] 02:36 Apr 13 2012

The USP is completed  

... Two days ahead of schedule. If anyone wants to deliver it around 0:01 on the 19th (UTC) it would be appreciated. Nominally Humane! 01:05 16 Apr

You can add this

If you want to, you can add this little entry I made into April 26th's UnSignpost. User:Matthlock/sig 21:41, April 18, 2012 (UTC)

Add this.

This just happened on IRC and is like, wtf. I strongly suggest you add it.

[16:53] Mr-ex777 Filial Piety is not even funny

[16:53] =-= Mode #uncyclopedia +o RAHB by ChanServ

[16:54] =-= YOU (Mr-ex777) have been booted from #uncyclopedia by RAHB (Shut your dirty whore mouth.)

[16:54] -->| YOU (Mr-ex777) have joined #uncyclopedia

[16:54] RAHB Just kidding, Mr-ex.

[16:54] RAHB I <3 you.

--WELCOME TO UNCYCLOPEDIA HELL!!!! 09:16, April 24, 2012 (UTC)

I'm not sure. IRC stuff hasn't been a regular part of USP in the past, and tbh I was there when this happened and didn't find it that amusing. I think if someone read this who han't been there it probably wouldn't be that funny to them either. I'll see how we go for content, but there are a few items that should be covered off as actual USP news this week. It might be time we started actually doing that again. Nominally Humane! 10:21 24 Apr

Actually, there's some really good stuff in the IRC qotd vaults (or whatever they're called). If you can find some stuff from earlier years that might be better brough to light, I'd be more inclined to add that in. Easier just to throw the links in here rather than doing a huge text dump though. Nominally Humane! 10:23 24 Apr

2012 VFS Derby: Final Race

Here Let me know if you think there should be editing and we could work on it together...or seomthing. --ShabiDOO 23:01, April 25, 2012 (UTC)

Linkipedia

You can now link to Wikipedia pages directly with [[wp:name of page]]. For example, if you wanted to read their article on Uncyclopedia, you would type [[wp:Uncyclopedia]] and it would look like wp:Uncyclopedia. I think it's called a hotcat or hotdog or hotburninglovepotato or some such thing. I didn't make it, but it works. User:Why do I need to provide this?/sig1 06:58, May 12, 2012 (UTC)

I'm back everybody!

I'm Back

By PopGoesTheWeasel

School was tedious but the holidays is here, so after months of not editing Uncyclopedia, I'm back to regain my sense of humor(if I ever had one, which is probably not the case)! But I don't think anybody cares, so I'm going off to poop on Frosty's lawn again. Bye. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 12:25, May 23, 2012 (UTC)

An endzone victory dance from your new overlord

Hi, I'm EMC, your family friendly fascist and tyrant. Having been at Uncyclopedia for almost seven years, I have seen some shit. A lot of it I can't talk about because of some gag orders which are still in effect. Some of it I don't want to talk about because even thinking about it gives me sympathy pains in my groin.

But one thing I had never seen before was me becoming an administrator. One month ago, this was something which only happened in my wettest of dreams. Thanks to my mother's influence, I was able to win VFS. Once this happened, I felt obligated to write this UnSignpost piece about this extraordinary blessing known as me.

I will start from the beginning and finish at the end. I was born just like everyone else. Sometime shortly after that, I discovered Uncyclopedia. Seven years later, I became an administrator. As you can see, my life can be summed up as a series of successes followed by more success.

I invite you all to follow the example I have set for you in my years of servicing Uncyclopedians serving Uncyclopedia. I can assure you that a life in service to Uncyclopedia will become a life of attractive foreign women consenting to your penis for a change. Be more like me. Get born. Discover Uncyclopedia. Become an admin. Make a USP article about yourself.

Success awaits you, especially if you are me.

Delivery

Hello all, I have completed an UnSignpost for tomorrow, could somebody deliver it? I have no idea if anyone has a bot available for the task, but if someone could chuck it onto talk pages at some point tomorrow I would be hugely appreciative. --Chiefjustice3DS 14:31, June 13, 2012 (UTC)

Again

See above for the begging, please could someone deliver the USP? Here it is. --Chiefjustice3DS 12:10, June 20, 2012 (UTC)

Doesn't matter, done now. --Chiefjustice3DS 00:52, June 21, 2012 (UTC)

No issue this week

That's right there's no UnSignpost, at least not from me this week. The next UnSignpost will be on July 5th. This will undoubtedly come as a major relief to all of you.. --Chiefjustice3DS 19:04, June 26, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery

Here. Please God could somebody help me out with it this week? --Chiefjustice3DS 18:45, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

Done, again. I'm going to kill myself if I have to keep doing the delivery. --Chiefjustice3DS 09:07, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

The latest meme

is Template:Boner. Heck, I was thinking about creating Barack Obama's userpage and John Boehner's userpage which utilize the template. Is this worth a mention? --QZEKЯOM Proud sponsor of Team Zombiebaron Tw$*ty Tw%#ve G*me$ FTW! Let's go for the g^@d! 00:13, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

I'll use it for something I'm sure. --Chiefjustice3DS 13:47, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery

I would be willing to do it if someone would show me how to do it. Let me know what you think of this proposal. --OliOmniOmbudsman 23:02, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

It's not too difficult to do it manually, just go here then add a new section to the first talk page containing the USP template. Rinse and repeat until you run out of talk pages, it's literally as simple as it sounds. --Chiefjustice3DS 10:19, July 13, 2012 (UTC)

Ok, I'll take care of the next round. Let me know when it's up. --OliOmniOmbudsman 15:52, July 14, 2012 (UTC)

Here is the USP for this week. Delivery tomorrow morning please. --Chiefjustice3DS 18:20, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

A Song of Ice and Fire

Isn't that the story of the human heart? The fight between fear and passion, between kindness and meanness, between pwn3d and pwnz0r? It's always two forces, at constant war with one another, until the heart stops beating. But then again, it is but one heart amongst many, and so the war goes on for years and years, with ice winning and then losing, and then fire winning, and then losing. And the efforts of the great men who built this wonderful civilization before us have always striven to achieve the balance between these ubiquitous opposites. For ice shall freeze us, and fire shall burn us, but the middle component, the in-between, nourishes us. And the in-between component I speak of, is water.

We always speak of following the middle path, of moderation, of not going to extremes. Well, water is the epitome of moderation! How queer is it, that if you heat a bucket of ice over fire you get water, but only if the ice is heated IN MODERATION! Indeed, water has always given us the best of both worlds! When ice was melted by the fire from the sun, the resultant water ended up becoming the very medium in which the first living organisms thrived! Is it a coincidence that even after all these years of evolution and extinction, 70% of the body weight of man is still water? Is it a coincidence that no living being (except for dormant-ass seedlings) can survive for long without a regular hit of H2O to keep it alive?

I think not. Water is always straddling the middle path between ice and fire. Unlike ice, we can swallow it without it clogging our windpipe, and unlike fire, it won't burn our dear skin if we touch it. And water always nourishes us, keeps us alive and well! We all rose from the water, and to the water returns all our piss and shit! People have always wondered, what is the middle path? What is the balance we all seek? I say, the balance is water. The middle path is water! The answer to all conflicts and dilemmas that plague our life- is WATER! --Lord Scofield Stark 09:54, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

I think they would have used 'Earth, Wind and Fire' but that had already been taken. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 09:58, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

Japan was always one step ahead. And my essay is meant for the next issue of the UnSignpost, as the fact that I posted it in the press room clearly suggests. --Lord Scofield Stark 10:03, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

My first UnSignpost article

Uncyclopedia Needs More Vandals

By One Step Away From Copyright Violation

Yeah, you heard me, <insert name here>. Uncyclopedia needs more vandals. Why, you may ask. Why would we need more annoying basement-dwellers to ban? Well, I'll tell you.

As all of you may have noticed, Uncyclopedia has been going through some inactivity lately, to the point where users who haven't signed on since who knows when are becoming more active on the site than users who check the website everyday. It seems our competitor has been gaining more activity than us, and we can't let that happen, now can we? There's only one way to get our activity back up: recruit vandals.

Most vandals are EDiots anyway (of course, the best vandals are admins), so if we attract some vandals here, maybe they'll attract some more writers! And... er...

Second thought, we don't need more vandals. Vandals suck and they should die.

Well, that's my first article. What do you think? ~[ths] UotM 18:56, 07/19/2012

I'll put it into the next USP, I may make some minor alterations but you are welcome to reverse those if you aren't happy with them. Keep an eye out for the next USP. --Chiefjustice3DS 19:41, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

Alright, but it will still be credited to me, right? ~[ths] UotM 20:09, 07/19/2012

Entirely. --Chiefjustice3DS 20:30, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

Apologies for not putting this in this week, the USP got started by POTR and then Socky added a story. I haven't forgotten this one and I will get it in next week. --ChiefjusticeDS (talk) 05:44, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery

Here it is. --ChiefjusticeDS (talk) 05:44, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Done. --OliOmniOmbudsman 15:31, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery

Here is this week's issue, if someone could proofread it quickly that would be superb. I have to leave for work in about 5 minutes so I can't do that. Please and thank you. --Chiefjustice3DS 11:37, August 9, 2012 (UTC)

Why, again, are we counting to a million?

By One Step Away From Copyright Violation

Ever since 2008, Uncyclopedia has had a tradition of counting to a million. Started by Spang, this tradition has been going on for nearly five years. However, recently the question was asked relating to the value of the forum, with users complaining that it was "completely devoid of humor" and that it turns smart users into idiots.

After mass protest (okay, not really) from the contributors of the thread and from someone else, said users commented on the forum saying that counting to a million is why so many articles supposedly suck nowadays and it's also why VFH is completely empty. It has also been stated that only idiots would do it.

So now I'm attempting to answer it as quickly as I can: that's the point. We're idiots and we know that we're never going to make it to a million, but we want to see how close we can get anyway.

So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to.

So I feel I've been mentioned in the UnSignpost many times, and I think I'd like to write another article for it. Probably not as funny as last time, but still, tell me what you think about it. ~[ths] UotM 00:09, 08/13/2012

Gut feeling is it's too confrontational a tone. After all, Hypster is actually commenting as he wants to help the wiki. While you and he have differing opinions, it's no reason to attack him. Change the tone to The question was asked relating to the value of the forum... it has been stated that only idiots would... and the last part So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to. Again, this is all opinion, but I wouldn't use USP to continue an argument in creative differences, but I would to support my perspective. Nominally Humane! 12:34 13 Aug

Hi and thanks for your feedback. I have changed it accordingly. I don't want to mock Hypster. ~[ths] UotM 01:32, 08/13/2012

I'll put it in next week's USP. Sorry for missing it this time around, I just didn't see it. My fault entirely, feel free to beat me with a stick. --Chiefjustice3DS 18:50, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery

If I have to deliver it again I will kill myself to death. Please have mercy on me. It's here. --Chiefjustice3DS 18:51, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Anyone for this week? --Chiefjustice3DS 13:45, September 5, 2012 (UTC)

Ouch, is the burden still untied? --POP!GoesTheWeasel 10:08, October 25, 2012 (UTC)