Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/20120823

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...

August 23rd, 2012 • Issue 173 • One periodical to rule them all...

Don't mention the merger By Chief Simsilikesims visits UnScripts Playwright of the Month the wastelands. The UnSignpost office is always busy, the phones ringing, the journalists writing, the constant clamouring of eager interview candidates and our editor daydreaming all of the above into existence. If anyone else came through the office every week there wouldn't be room for the crippling loneliness that forms such a massive part of our lives. The same, alas, cannot be said for UnBooks Author of the Month and UnScripts Playwright of the Month whose complete lack of any activity has resulted in them both being rolled into writer of the month. Why is this news? Because it means less voting and if there's less voting there must be less democracy, that's just common sense. Responsible for this dastardly plot is none other than Simsilikesims, you all know Simsilikesims, she's the person who wrote the content warning which we now see approximately six times a day. If you didn't know how content warnings worked before you definitely do now. Simsilikesims has had a number of these good ideas and it's likely that shortly we shall see her malevolent intent, possibly in the form of combining the UnTunes namespace with the mainspace because not enough people are singing their articles in the style of Dragonforce or however it is those people who don't understand magnetic fields sing their songs. What would an intolerable loss of the right of Uncyclopedians to let parts of the wiki fall into a state of abandonment and disrepair be without Thekillerfroggy to swing the hammer of despair? Hoping nobody would notice TKF also decided to smite Reviewer of the Month into the ether. RotM is an award that literally nobody was ever interested in... It's also the only award I've ever won twice, so don't mind me, I'll just be over here sobbing while I look through the archives of the first award I ever won... The Caped Crusader considering an update to the latest UnNews template In other news Mattsnow has stepped down as UnNews' biggest cheese. The war to replace him is now on, the choice being between GlobalTourniquet and a machine who will plaster something onto the front page every so often, a machine and nobody at all. We here in the UnSignpost office haven't quite decided which we prefer and have ultimately decided to vote for Batman instead. Batman has a grappling hook to reach hard-to-reach places, sneaks around wearing leather and is a complete social retard while he's doing the job, in other words he's perfect for the position. If he can save Gotham from the Joker then we have absolute confidence in his ability to read articles and then put them in a template on a fairly regular basis. Do you have an opinion? Too bad, because you don't get a say; GlobalTourniquet started doing the whole thing last Saturday. Happy Thursday! The feature feature By Chief Don't make Thekillerfroggy knock down your ceiling... "VFH sucks right now." proclaims the banner that greets all visitors to the VFH page. We've all seen it, probably whilst passing through and very pointedly not visiting VFP which is now beginning to resemble the immediate aftermath of a Nuclear event. However, this reporter has come up with an alternative explanation: it isn't VFH that sucks, it's all of you, and by extension all of us, which also happens to be all of me. Uncyclopedians, famous for their flame wars and constant douchebaggery seem to have come to the conclusion that when on VFH that it's better not to vote than to disagree. What else could account for the 15 plus voter turnout for articles that we all agree are fantastically well written/crafted, while articles which may well be of high quality, but bear the title "UnNews:Politicians politicise the filing system of plumbing the South-Eastern region of the Ukraine" struggle along, accruing 7 votes for before sitting on the feature queue until they die of old age. This alongside the fact that people can't be bothered means Thekillerfroggy is beside himself at the state of things. Why TKF? Because he seem to have appointed himself supreme worrier in-chief for VFH and is executing that duty by slapping increasingly urgent messages onto the page. "DON'T MAKE ME PUT IN CAPITALS" twitched Thekillerfroggy when approached by the UnSignpost about the latest message. ... Or expose you to ionising radiation How do we fix this? Voting, obviously, but it's more than that. Yes, you might only have time to vote on just one article, yes you are probably more likely to enjoy the article with 20 votes than 5, but unless you vote the articles with 5 votes will never have 20. There are lots of articles to vote on, but you have ages to do it in! This article has been there for a month and has managed 10 votes. Twitter managed 17 in 5 days! Are you people pulling our balls? Don't make us use the awe inspiring powers of caps lock to get our way, VOTE NOW!

Check out these pages! Still going Tweet tweet We're famous! Teh feechur Q Nobody Cares From our logs: 15:41, August 15, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked 83.146.246.120 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You are such a good contributor that I am giving you the next week off to find Jesus.) 15:43, August 12, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 198.228.200.154 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Incorrectly adding ICU tags and generally taking it up the arse like a champ) 09:51, August 21, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 71.129.63.113 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (I think you need to lie down for a week after producing that noble effort. ) 03:11, August 14, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked WONDER WANDAL (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (but ur like, rly rly dum) 16:44, August 9, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked Imrealized (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ("this is stupid" your profound criticism is valid and necessary, where's your pulitzer dude???) 22:04, August 17, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked Mohamed loves hot canadian (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Suicide is painless, but it brings on many changes) 06:16, August 20, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked Tauhid (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Leave that picture alone. And don't revert admins. And suck me dry.) Biopic of the Week I was in two minds about the biopic this week. One of my minds wanted to biopic a picture of the UnSignpost dog or how much I enjoy cutting corners by filling sections of the UnSignpost with pictures of a dog, the other wanted to biopic a real person with a pancreas. So congratulations Snippy, you win the biopic on the basis that you actually exist. Snippy is one of those suspicious fellows who we all suspect has done all this before. He's funny, an immediate danger sign, he's polite, another danger sign and, most damning of all he's competent. Naturally Uncyclopedia has welcomed him with open arms, a noob of the moment nomination and constant accusations that he is somebody's sockpuppet. All of you who haven't met him yet should swing by his talk page and say hello, read his Minecraft article and vote for him on Noob of the Moment. Be sure to discourage him from such displays of competence in future, or we'll have to ban him out of principle. We'll probably return to the biopics of traffic cones and imaginary animals in the next UnSignpost, so no need to be concerned that we're upping our game. Old-school FA Aesop's Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy. These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral. They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn't just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing! Newsroom UnTune of the week Congressman in Drag Hammer Time!

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