Tater tots

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This is not the sort of tater tot you're thinking of. Hopefully.

Tater tots can either refer to a food based item used as a substitute for real side dishes such as fries, potatoes or hot pockets, or is occasionally used to refer to new Uncyclopedia editors such as <insert name here>.

History[edit | edit source]

The product was created in 1953 when F. Nephi Grigg and Golden Grigg were trying to figure out how to improve heat distribution of the recently-invented electric toaster. After some consultation with childhood friend Nikolai Tesla, they determined that the old 1950's style outlets in their house were simply not supplying enough power. After Golden Grigg's award winning science fair project showing how a raw potato can be made into a battery, they focused their efforts on potato refining. First efforts to simply put the potatoes in the toaster proved to be futile, which also led to the discovery of the Square Hole, Round Peg Problem. Not wanting to cause anymore problems, the brothers instead mashed up potatoes by calling them names until they simply broke down into a heaping mess. The mash was then scooped up and reformed into the familiar cylindrical shape we know today, and treated by freezing and microwaving. The product was first offered in stores in 1956.

Originally, the product was very inexpensive. According to advertising lectures at Iowa State University, people did not buy it at first because there was no perceived value. When the price was raised, people were willing to try the new potato-based product as a food, but due to the instability of the temperature of the tater tots, sales declined. This caused a lot of people to wonder why someone would even invent Tater Tots at all. It wasn't until April of 1994 when Jamie Oliver packed tater tots in his son's school lunch that another use for tater tots was found. The tater tots in Jamie Jr's lunch were exposed to a secret blend of spices and herbs, which caused a small explosion in the cafeteria, killing one bully. This directly led to the ban of tater tots as an international weapon of war in an amendment to the Geneva Convention Act in 1995.[1]

Properties[edit | edit source]

Tater Tots are a solid, potato based substance, and have been observed to have two distinct temperature ranges, Frozen or Superheated. Tater Tots are stable in either temperature state, but neither is appropriate for human consumption. The texture has been described as gross lumpy mashed potatoes mixed with sawdust, and the flavor has been described as Oh My God! It's burning my mouth!! HOTHOTHOT!!!

Tater tots have shown to improve on the potato's electrical properties, and is capable of delivering electrical charge equivalent to a "B" size battery.

Tater tots are not explosive, unless exposed to a perfect blend of secret herbs and spices. Tater tot grenades have roughly the equivalent explosive power of 1/4 stick of TNT.

Uses[edit | edit source]

Toys for Children[edit | edit source]

Tater tots remain an extremely popular plaything for kids of all ages, behind the Bible and throwing knives. Children are naturally drawn to their friendly cylindrical shape, much as junkies are drawn to pill bottles and cans of spray paint. Tater tots are the perfectly sized toy for children, as the tater tots are too large to go up a child's nose, but perfect for inserting in lots of other places. They can also be used manually for lots of fun activities: playing catch, using as building blocks, practicing with numbers, playing house, hide-and-go-seek, and throwing at bullies.

Emergency power source[edit | edit source]

You know how people stick a couple leads in a potato and use it as a battery? With a regular potato you can get about a "AAA" size battery's worth of power for around six minutes. That's pretty good, but you're working with a raw, unprocessed potato. After being properly processed, refined, and microwaved, one tater tot has exactly the functional power and lifespan of a "B" size battery. This will vary depending on how long the tater tot has been microwaved for though, as peak power delivery is based on temperature, and tater tots are known for going instantly from frozen to nuclear-hot with no chance of getting them the right temperature.

Many people, especially in cooler Northern climates keep a stock of tater tots in the case of a power outage. A properly microwaved tater tot will power an electric toaster for up to 40 minutes, and can be microwaved repeatedly to 'recharge' the battery. This is a much better solution than having to microwave your toast, and dramatically improves survival rates and peanut butter spreading efficiency during severe winter storms.

Negotiate with foreign superpowers[edit | edit source]

Look at them. So suave, so collected. Nothing is getting past these tots.

Tater tots are the perfect negotiator. One, they can represent just about any country, providence or political cause you can think of, and you won't hear a word of complaint. Two, tater tots are completely impervious to coercion, bullying, bribery, corruption, depantsing or any other sort of trickery you can imagine. Foreign superpowers and giant multinationals usually wield considerable influence to sway policies in their favor, but all the political power in the world is useless against the mighty tater tot. When confronted with demands, the ever-patient tater tot will simply wait, offering no ground, staring down the opposition unblinkingly. Eventually the foreign superpowers and giant multinationals of the world will fall to the influence of the tater tot, as they realize that all the yelling and blaspheming and name calling in the world doesn't get them anywhere with this one unbeatable foe.

Furthermore, assassinating a tater tot is just about a waste of time. For obvious reasons, such as the fact that tater tots are not alive. Assassinations only make them angry.

Conversion into explosives[edit | edit source]

They may look like delicious snacks, but these tater tots can potentially be extremely dangerous weapons.

The energy that allows a tater tot to act as an effective battery can also be used for more sinister purposes, such as blowing things up. The grease contained within tater tots can be combined with a secret blend of herbs and spices to produce a potent explosive optimized for smuggling into high school lunch rooms. Tater tot grenades are then hurled or even shot from a potato gun towards an offending target. The tater tots can be further improved by attaching a small pair of wings and a guidance system to make a flying, self-navigating, exploding tater tot. This practice has been outlawed by the Geneva convention as a war crime against humanity, and is only allowed in High School cafeterias, and only if that bully really had it coming.

Food Substitute[edit | edit source]

It has been suggested to use tater tots to end world hunger, presumably by people who have not been forced to try eating them. This is proving to be extremely difficult, as tater tots only exist in two states: frozen, and superheated. If science can find a way to stabilize the temperature of a tater tot in the 'perfectly cooked' range, it is theorized that the electrical charge held by one serving of tater tots will be sufficient to provide a food source for most impoverished nations in the world.

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CandyHariboM&M'sMentosPeepsPop-TartsSkittlesSmartiesSweeTartsTootsie RollsTwinkiesWerthers
ABC GumBubble GumCandy CaneCandy CornCotton CandyGummi bearMarshmallowsMintsNougatPez
BiscuitsCakesCerealCookiesChocolateGingerbread MenIce cream
Airplane peanutsAnimal crackerChipsCheetosFriesFunyunsPopcornPotato ChipsPringlesRitz BitsTater Tots
How to Get Your Candy Back * French Fries Burning in the Oven * Potato Chip Situation * Strangers' Candy

References[edit | edit source]

  1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geneva_Conventions_(Amendment)_Act_1995 Geneva Convention Amendment of 1995, with NO reference to the weaponized tater tots