Throwing things into canals

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Yes, I did do that, but what came afterwards your honour, I cannot confess to

Oscar Wilde on Dumping

Throwing things into canals is arguably one of the very few traditions of worth on Scotland, though it the Working Class have been able to dispose of the waste there respective councils could not be bothered to do. The English call it fly tipping, but in Scotland we call it Art.

The Practice[edit]

Whippet owners prep their dogs to be thrown in the traditional Highland manner.

Popular form of recycling unwanted material - shopping trolleys, mattresses, bricks, old prams, other people's schoolbags, etc. Derived from the ancient Scottish superstition of the "cannyfish", wherein once a thing is thrown into the magical canal, it decomposes and turns into beautiful goldfish. These goldfish are captured and grant to their captor a single magical wish. Most people, alas, thinking themselves clever, ask for unlimited wishes, which cheek usually gets them a smack in the mouth and a consolation prize of a manky stripped couch to throw into the canal again.

Folklore scholars have recently unearthed several regional variations on the cannyfish motif, including a magical bottlebank which gives full bottles of whisky in exchange for Irn Bru empties, and a magical school where children attend daily and leave after thirteen or fourteen years, polite, well-mannered and able to read and write. It's thought these stories tend to be exaggerated over time.

Throwing things into canals was also the second official sport of New Orleans after Post-Racial-Segregation-Probelms, the third being nutria sighting. It has since been surpassed in popularity by looting. Also, in Wales and England, old ladies are thrown into canals due to lack of space and wide-screen TVs, so generally an efficient and economic solution to annoying old people. This practice was made popular by Fat Bastard and some drunk American from Scotland's United States territory after they murdered 60 old ladies and hid the bodies in the cannal, thus getting 59 OBE's and 1 Knighthood (Totalling 60 things) for their contribution to the world's well being.

Things Which Have Been Thrown Into Canals[edit]

  • Babies, which regrow underwater as Olympic Swimmers, hopefully
  • Clocks, which wake up fish when it is time to wake up, a useful function ensuring ecological harmony.
  • The Whole of Coldplay. Every day someone says "oh come on stop drawing on your hand and being gloomy and dull, or I'll throw you in the canal. Every day someone throws them in the canal. When will they learn?
  • Glasgow. It's just not worth having above water, it shares its fate with Atlantis, possibly New Orleans which is one giant canal, and Ringo Starr who has spent so long in his bath he is underwater and wrinkly.
  • My homework. By giants. Honest!
  • Aborted fetus's. They are typically good floaters.

Wildlife notes: Nutria[edit]

Nutria are large rodents which live in stagnant ponds in the American South-East and mid continent. For example, nutria are the dominant species in the stagnant pond now known as No Orleans. As the name implies, Nutria are nature's perfect food, containing all of the proteins, carbohydrates, fats, vitamins, amino acids, and jackopaws needed for survival, provided they are consumed raw. Nutria Sighting is the sport (akin to Train Spotting or Bird Watching) practice by people unaware of the Nutria's nutritional benefits. The genus nutria can be placed one step higher on the evolutionary ladder than the genus editor, though most nutria would generally take offence at such an insult.

See Also[edit]