Scientists Run The Government Conspiracy Theory

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Even Dubya is one of 'em

Forget about the military-industrial complex, the greedy Jewish bankers or those evil gremlins. The gremlins stemmed from that shit-quality pot you bought at a discount from your local crack whore, because you're too cheap to buy it from the hobo. Its those conniving scientists, who beat everyone to it, including the Non-Huffable Kitten, Black Jesus, and your mom.

History[edit | edit source]

They've been at it ever since Hitler ran Einstein out of Germany.

The scientists are far smarter than they look.

"Them Nazis think they too hot for me, they think they all nice and tasty like dat brown sugar.
Weeeeell, if theeeeey cannot handle the Jew lovin' It's all good though, coz them Nazis goin' to pay,
they really goin' to pay, mah homies goin' kick their ass, out of the country, and take their nukes

Einstein said this shortly before conquering America. It is rumored that Robert Mugabe is one of his lovechilds.

As promised, Einstein rounded up the homies to ass-whoop Hitler. He time travelled (ironically) and rounded up the best minds that ever existed, including Stephen Hawkings, Newton, Professor Oak, Professor Elm, Professor Rowan, Professor Birch, and Doctor Evil. They then made all of them high-fangled weapons, like those Flying Fortresses, those battleships, those nukes, those gameboys and gave them to morons who actually enjoyed piloting them and being killed. All this made Hitler so depressed that he dug to the center of the hollow earth, where he still resides today.

They have firmly been in power since then.

Evidence[edit | edit source]

The scientists mutilated this poor monkey to fabricate a 'missing link' to provide credibility to evilution.

'Why', you may ask, do I ramble on about Einstein and the PokéProfessors without giving you, the reader, substantial evidence. There really is no need, you see. After all, if you use uncyclopedia, you are probably gullible enough to believe that your daughter is not a syphilis-ridden crack whore, or that the orange kittens can be huffed.Heck, if you are a Senator, you probably voted for and funded the War on Terra, just because Colin Powell waved that tiny vial of coke-stash in your face. Never mind all of that. You are probably a lot wiser now, like Hillary Clinton or something.

So here it is:

  • Dubya (who is really a level XXIV scientist) passed the 'No Child Left Behind Act', which used scientifially based research strategies to enhance the quality of subjects taught, focusing especially on Science and Mathematics (a.k.a science's bitch). He might as well have assimilated the children Borg-style, the audacity! However, its nothing for you to worry about, since your daughter is a crack whore anyway, probably the same one you bought that shit-quality pot from.
  • All of them say that your crack whore-daughter's Super AIDS is incurable. Actually, two aspirins taken thrice daily can cure anything. They wont tell you this because they created Super AIDS, and programmed it to attack non-scientists and sluts.

Enemies[edit | edit source]

Poor ol' Hubbard became soo poor that he couldn't even afford colour photos.

Only a few have been bold enough to openly attack science. All of them have been squashed like bugs or brutally eaten up like the pellets Pac man feasts upon C<.... . They are as follows (if they are not as follows, why do you care?):

  • L Ron Hubbard (son of Old Mother Hubbard), was unfairly labeled as a cultist. Government lawyers then sued the pants off of him. To this day, Scientology boldly continues to fight the twin demons of science and psychology.
  • Jews. So what if Einstein was one. They have to be blamed. It's a time-honoured tradition that cannot be broken.
  • You, because now you know everything. The men in army choppers will be coming soon!! QUICK!! RUN!! Tell the masses! Spread the word! They must know everything: the lies, the crimes, and that Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!

See also[edit | edit source]