Nostradamus
Michel de Nostredame (14 December or 21 December 1503 – 2 July 1566), was a seer and the author of a famous prophetic book that predicted, with stunning accuracy, that at this very hour you would read this.
Early life
Michel de Nostredame, known as Nostradamus to his friends and family, was the third of five children born to his loving mother, Amelia de Rampti, and his heinous father, Damien Nostedame, who worked as a hunchbacked assistant to a mad scientist. Nostradamus grew up in Nottingham, England.
In his youth Nostradamus was very gullible and did anything any of his friends told him to do. Once, on a dare, he called up the Czar of Russia and said: "Go to hell you fucking commie bastard," then hung up. The call was traced and he was arrested and thrown into a Russian supermax prison, where he survived on a diet of water and psychedelic mushrooms. By the time Nostradamus's sentence was up he had become convinced that he was a prophet.
When he returned home, his entire family had died in the bubonic plague, leaving him destitute. Seeking to gain fame by his ability to "see into the future", Nostradamus began writing self-published books which he sold on street corners. In his writings he foretold such future events as the rise and fall of Adolf Hitler, the death of JFK, the death of Dale Earnhardt, every death of Kenny, the Falklands War, the invention of Boggle, and the Milli Vanilli lip-synching scandal. All these predictions eventually found their way into his memoirs, published by Random House in 1554.
Accused of witchcraft by Pope Walter IX, Nostradamus narrowly escaped several attempts on his life by the pope. These assassination attempts culminated in 1562, when in the space of a single week Nostradamus was attacked twice by knife-wielding nuns, fed an exploding communion wafer, and then nearly crushed when a gargoyle was dropped onto him from Notre Dame cathedral. Convinced that the church would never stop pestering him as long as Walter was calling the shots, Nostradamus secretly traveled to Rome where he formulated a plan to assassinate the pope.
Nostradamus strikes back
Nostradamus knew that every Wednesday the pope drove into town to buy incense, and this would be Nostradamus's opportunity. His plan was to carjack the popemobile, tie the pope to the driver's seat, place a cinderblock on the gas pedal and send the vehicle filled with explosives hurtling at full speed right into the college of cardinals, bringing a fiery death to all. Nostradamus implemented his plan on November 2, 1562, but the pope survived because the popemobile's top speed was insufficient for the task. A disappointed Nostradamus blamed the failure on his confusion between kilometers per hour and miles per hour. The pope's close call led directly to the development of airbags as a standard feature in papal transport.
The predictions
Some of his more notable predictions of future events are summarised in the table below:
| Date | Event |
|---|---|
| Accuracy | Was he right? |
| December 25, 40 B.C. | The Birth of Jesus Christ, saviour of the human race and self-titled "Superstar", to parents Mary Queen of Scots and Eric Clapton of Heaven, in a manger with no crib for a bed. |
| Correct | Although the manger was actually a brothel, temporarily used to store livestock while the club was under investigation for Mafia connections. |
| January 21, A.D. 1444 | The death of Joe Tailor, a tailor from Sunderland, stricken with the plague. |
| Correct | Joe died aged 40 with final words "Let Doris have my teeth." |
| July 1, A.D. 1460 | The death of Nostradamus, by a completely unavoidable and unpredictable accident involving a noose and a bucket. |
| Correct | Nostradamus himself died that very day in exactly the way he predicted he would. What a guy. |
| September 1, A.D. 1939 | The outbreak of a Great War in which millions would die, terrible events would befall the Jews of Europe and for the next five years the entire world would be turned to black and white. |
| Correct | This was the year in which the block-buster World War II began filming in Poland, taking five years to complete and leading to the suicide of its director, Adolf Hitler. Also, Woodstock. |
| September 1, A.D. 1977 | The invention of a hideous new weapon which will threaten life on Earth with total annihilation. This terrible device falls into the hands of the world's greatest superpower, who swears to use it only as a defence in the battle against hostile alien invasions. |
| Correct | Meatloaf released the album "Bat out of Hell", which is perfectly described by the prophecy. |
| March 5, A.D. 1984 | The entire world is converted to a fascistic communist oligostate with imaginary macronations introduced to keep people loyal. Observation is carried out on all citizens and the fictitious leader Big Bertha rules all. The year 1984 will become synonymous with an omnipresent surveillance system and repeatedly cited henceforth by all those who want an excuse to moan about CCTV. |
| Incorrect | Although communism did exist in 1984 it was quickly covered up by the CIA. Omnipresent surveillance wasn't feasible at this time but boy, did they try. Bertha actually did exist, she grew up to marry a farmer in Ohio, she had four children and died on February 2, 1984 aged 39 from a shotgun injury. |
| May 20, A.D. 1986 | Cher marries a bagel boy, but the marriage lasts only about a year or so before the pressure of excessive media scrutiny drives the two lovers apart. |
| Incorrect | Although Cher did marry Robert Camilletti on or near this date, Camilletti was not actually a bagel, and had already reached voting age. Moreover, it is generally accepted now that the two were driven apart not by media scrutiny, but by a pack of hungry locusts. |
| April 3, A.D. 1987 | 'The Bangles record cover version of Hazy Days of Winter. |
| Correct | But who cares?. |
| January 1, A.D. 2000 | The Apocalypse – the final battle 'twixt good and evil in which the chosen would enter the kingdom of Heaven and the rest would carry on their mundane,tax-raisin', welfare whorin, surrendin', gay-marryin', fetus-killin' lives on Earth. |
| Incorrect | Although it was recorded as the biggest collective hangover in the history of alcohol. |
| January 1, A.D. 2001 | Ah, but we're forgetting that A.D. started at one! Hang on, renormalise ... okay, The Apocalypse – the final battle 'twixt good and evil etc. etc. |
| Incorrect | Although the smug few who postponed millennial celebrations until now felt a little miffed that their party wasn't quite as bangin'. |
| September 10, A.D. 2001 | The world as we know it will end. Also, a Cheese Pop Tart will be invented. Quite Tasty. |
| Incorrect | So close. |
| February 24, A.D. 2002 | Sainsburys will begin 24 hour opening at limited stores. |
| Correct | Although it still doesn't extend to weekends does it! |
| March 31, A.D. 2004 | The Catholic Church is threatened by the Illuminati, a shadowy group of militant atheists, who attempt to blow it up with a nonexistent pseudo-scientific plot device. |
| Incorrect | Although the Pope's state of health did decline somewhat during this year. |
| January 14, A.D. 2005 | The UK National Lottery numbers will be 13, 16, 29, 10, 22, and 6. The bonus ball will be 2. |
| Incorrect | The incompetent fucking bastard. |
| May 17, A.D. 2007 | A grey haired President "Bush" of a superpower invades North Korea deposing the leader and declaring himself King. |
| Incorrect | George's hair is more silver than grey. |
| January 1, A.D. 2010 | Right – this is it. The Apocalypse's got to happen at some point, so why not now. But, wait! Something's coming up on the crystal ball. By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth! Is that a 500-foot Jebus I see?! Nah, this can't be. Let's try the next week then. Oh, it's the same. I'm outta here. |
| Close enough | When approximately 97% of the human population had collected every star in Super Mario Galaxy, mass spontaneous combustion occurred when they realised that such a level of awesomeness could never be reached again, wiping out 3/4 of the human race. "Top that" commented Miyamoto. |
The prophesies are collected in ten volumes and one Best Of collection, available wherever mood rings and Volkswagen paraphernalia are sold. There are also whispers that everyone involved in his prophecies have just played along so as he wouldn't look silly and predict something worse for them which they would then have to act out.
Verses
Nostradamus wrote his prophecies in quatrains, using iambic tetracycline. Sometimes he wrote them in the shower instead of quatrains, but the ink ran and most of these "all wet" predictions have been lost.
Uptown girl, She's been living in her uptown world. I bet she never had a back street guy, I bet her mama never told her why. --- Believed to predict the humiliation of Britney Spears by Justin Timberlake.
On the next-but-fifteenth phantom jet The fat man cannot see his toes The king sleeps in rain, his socks are wet A man eating ice-cream and beer soon blows. --- Believed to predict the destruction of the Berlin Wall.
The humble goat builds his nest anew Atop the highest tree in the land A cat talks to the flaming man And golf will be banned in Chiswick --- A short angry man from Essex will drop a brick on Guy Ritchie by accident.
The tower of fools is builded apace In the country of pizza there is indigestion A mole is cyrogenically removed from the face Of the wizard who made the suggestion. --- This refers to a public toilet in Bruges, which overflowed briefly in 1934.
Judgement day will come as dark as night on trial for many incidents only because of colour --- This refers to O.J. Simpson's second trial for burglary and because he lied the first time round.
And God spake unto the man, clean thy toes and clean the teeth and thou shall be saved, fool me twice, evil will be unleashed upon the world. --- This refers to the birth of legendary singer, Phil Collins.
Luke, the warrior of space the saviour of many a people will find his father is in fact a black man in a space suit. --- This refers to the creation of the George Foreman Grill.
When the cream bun strikes the ground A fat hairy man will take power short and stubby he is and as dumb as a piece of shit. --- This refers to George W. Bush taking power in the United States.
Above the ground, the serpents fly In fiction, a man wanders from plot to plot Unruly, the outcome, with screaming sky The gizzards of vultures are seen in the shot. --- Possible prediction of Snakes on a Plane, though many scholars argue that it more probably refers to the assassination of Arch Duke Ferdinand.
When the morning star does smell of cheese The wool is pulled over n00bies eyes Marie d' Annecy sure has nice knees I'd like the chance to nip her thighs. --- This is an obscure prediction. Marie d' Annecy obviously refers to the Pope, and the morning star is equated with Kinseyian sexual economic theory. But the common interpretation of nip as Japanese is anachronistic and there is no evidence that Nostradamus ever referred to a person of Oriental extraction as a "Nip", nor that he referred to Spaniards as "greasy Dagoes who dance on tables". For further analysis, see the four-volume work, The 1138th Quatrain of Nostradamus: Eschatology or Scatology? by Professor Zelda Thorpemuffin, published by Dead Raccoon Press in 1963.
When the gizzards begin to rumble and the bowel begins to crumble the great leader will fall and brown feces be distributed across the barren waste land --- Many argue this refers to the Fidel Castro incident in 1977, when Fidel Castro developed a massive case of diarrhea which spread across Cuba and killed more than 300,000 people.
When the stupid man and the blind woman die a bright light will erupt in the sky a fat little elf and a black cat listen to CD's as everyone claps --- This refers to Italy winning the 2006 World Cup Final.
The sky will be crying in pain downwards and all umbrella-non-bearing demizens of either gender diappear off the streets only to reappear some short time afterwards --- Accurately predicting a brief shower in Sydney Australia on September 12 2006. This remarcable natural fenomenon produced approximately an inch of rainfall, decimated make up of about 5000 women and increased sale of nearby shops and cafes by 0.00001% of their monthly turnover
Gigidygigidygoooo!! --- This refers to all episodes of family guy.
When the sky has two ploughs of peoples And all the dung is all but shoveled The lemmings shall go into the holes Then shall there be a great bunch of ashes --- This refers to the 2009 cricket test match where Australia wins.
Less famous yet debated predictions
"The goddamn bottom is covered in yeast, this ale is ruined, but yet I will not stop drinking!"
"The optimal niche market for wholesalers in Germany will be transparent catheters; but yet it requires rash investments and unloading, since oversupply will occur rapidly despite the perverted nature of the fat bastards!"
"She shall have a round face. She will have clean feet, but yet very dirty, dirty, filthy socks. I will not pay more than five Florins this time."
"This rubberband hurts. You will see."
"I can't feel my legs! This will not end well!"
"Shoot me in the face with a BB gun. I'll duck before it hits me in the eye!" (he was wrong)
"Ahem ... you are all screwed."
"You will have enough of the motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane."
What about the 39 steps? Why doesn't he tell us about them? Also, Joe the Plumber, he missed that by a country mile.
See also
- Other prophets:
- Machines that can predict the future:
| Preceded by: Joan of Arc |
King of Randomness 1411–1460 |
Succeeded by: Elizabeth I |
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