HowTo:Pimp a ho

Pimps come in all flavors

Yo, mo fo!

Yo, Dawg! You wanna pimp a ho!? But you ain’t got no ho 'ta pimp? Simple fool! First thang that a pimp needs is some good sense, and it jus’ ain’t good sense that you can pimp a ho, without no mothafuckin’ ho. So you gotta get recuitin' some bitch ta be yo' ho, and you put that bitch ta wurk.

The history of hos ‘n’ pimps is some plain shit, Holmes. The first cave brotha told the first cave bitch, "yo, mama, get yo' mud-flappin' ass outta here. Go'n fuck 'nother cave chump, ho! An' bring back some mothafuckin' bones!" That's when pimpin’ hos was born, man. My bitches be shy, an' they needs a po-lite introduction. That's what pimps is fo'!

Now gettin’ a ho be smooth in my hood, coz’ a lotta bitches chillin’ round lookin’ fo' a pimp, so I got me all kinds-a mothafuckin’ hos. That’s why I’s tellin’ ya. That‘s why I’s sweatin’ writin' this here shiit. Cos' I’s the man in my hood. I’s ‘super-pimp’. And cos' this hea jive-ass Uncyclopedia come an’ ask my advice. So, yo! Hea' this'. You can listen-up if you want ‘thang’ on how ta pimp a ho.

“ Cause you ain’t lived till you pimped a ho! ”

Wha-cho-needs

Tell yo Hos don' be messin' with no Sukka look like this

Listen up, fool! First thang you needs is three thangs, hea? They be: Yo (pimp), Ho (bitch), an' Sukka (trick). Do the math, Jackson! That makes three! Here's what I's takin' 'bout:

Yo

Go’on, look in the mirror. You the pimp, hea'? You a bad mo fo! Yo' skins be stylin' and them hos be smilin'. You cool! So don't be takin' no jive. Ho go bad an' you whupp'r up-side the head. You unda-stan' me?

• Wurk qualifications:

1. Have a big mothafuckin' willy.
2. You stylin'
3. Be cool.

• Wurk dis-qualifications:

1. Be a fool.
2. You dressin' like a mothafuckin' honky.
3. Yo's a honky.

Ho

She the bitch. She fuck you fo’ free, an' bring home the beard too. Man, she yo' money-maker. She the ho. Without her you ain’t shit, Jackson. You treata’ good, now. Know what I’s sayin’ you?

• Wurk qualifications:

1. Be a horny bitch.
2. Always give you the bread.
3. Bitch ain't got no pimp.

• Wurk dis-qualifications:

1. Bitch got AIDS.
2. Bitch fuckin' fo' nothin'.
3. Bitch got 'notha mothafuckin' pimp.

Sukka

Even you the pimp and she the ho, you all ain’t shit without “Sukka”. He the mark. He the trick. He gonna pay yo' ho fo' her fine ass. So ain’t nothin' more important in yo life than that mothafuckin’ trick.

• Wurk qualifications:

1. Have a small willy.
2. Always pay yo' ho.
3. Sukka ain't got AIDS.

• Wurk dis-qualifications:

1. Have a big willy.
2. Trick gotta mothafuckin' Credit Card.
3. Fool got AIDS.

Recruitin' a ho

You go an' find a bitch, grab yo' mothafuckin' balls, and tell her ta be yo' ho. Tell'r somethin' like:

“ Shit, bitch, I spray clips, shots flop quicker than space ships. Then shape-shift yo' facial 'matrix' like a face-lift. So face it, mama, y'all ain't nuttin' to see. Ain't a nigga alive who fuckin' with me. My left blow connect so hard yo' head. Bitch, let's ho yo' ass instead. ”

Dawg, - bitch hea' that shit an' she be putty in yo' mothafuckin' hands.

Whut kinda bitch you want ta wurk yo' hood?

We Be Toys

You gotta choose yo' ho, Holmes. You got black hos, white hos, and brown hos.. so whut'choo want? My experience as Super Pimp sayin' that the best bitch to be yo' ho is a big-bad-mama. That's coz they can go the stretch, and make yo' fancy ass hum like a ten-penny finishin' nail hit with a greasy Ball-peen hammer.

How much you pay the bitch?

Shiiit, you gonna ask a chump-change question an' I'm' a pop-a-cap in yo' ass, mo fo. I don' know whut choo gonna pay yo' ho coz I ain't even seen the bitch, fool. An it depend on the bitch too. If you pimpin' Oprah, man, you can ask a mothafuckin' T note. But if you pimpin' some big-bad-mama then 50 cent be a lot, ya hea?

Thang

You ain't neva' seen a bitch gonna turn down my bad-ass proposal. That's why I's "super-pimp". I's so mothafuckin' bad I could get yo own Momma ta wurk my hood. And that shit ain't no jive, Jackson!

Check it out, homeboy

• U.S. DOJ guide to street hos
• How to pimp a ho, a 1999 documentary 'bout interviews with some pimps in the U.S.
• More on pimps

A Cornucopia of Copulation

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