HowTo:Fuck a Mother
~ Oscar Wilde on sex
So someone might have just called you a mother fucker...what have you done? Well, he is telling you to go fuck a mother, because that is what you are, a "mother-fucker", right? Or perhaps you are simply tired of doing nothing and want to do something fun. Okay, follow these steps, so you can fuck a mother.
- Realise that mothers are meant to be fucked. Without fucking, how else can they become mothers? They must, therefore, first be fucked, then nine months later, beget a child, and be called mother. To help them continue their roles, they need to be fucked again and again, so they can continued to act as mothers. Get the idea?
- Find a mother. You can do this a number of ways. The traditional way is to go out to the street, and look for a woman, then ask her: are you a mother? If she says yes, you have found her. If not, go on to the next woman, wash, rinse, and repeat. The more modern approach is that you could search the internet. There are TONS of mothers on the web waiting for you. Just try not to be overwhelmed. Once you have found a mother, proceed to next step.
- Ask her to go have some fun with you. She might say no, but that's okay. There are other mothers out there. Don't be discouraged, if you don't have the authority to make her do it.
- Bring her to your room, or some place private. This gives you some privacy and prevent others from objecting to what you are about to do next. But if you are mandated to do it in public, like Absalom was mandated by God to openly fuck all of David (his daddy)'s wives and concubines, then by all means, do it in public, ok? You especially don't want to ignite the wrath of God, if you get a clear message from him to fuck a mother in public.
- Take her clothes off.
- Take your clothes off.
- Insert your penis into her vagina. There you go. Mission accomplished.
- Don't forget to have fun.
- Try to do something romantic to add variety.
- Don't limit your fucking to the mother only. Try to go to her house, and fuck her daughter, her son, her husband, her grandma, and her dog as well, whichever delights you. Remember, the key is to maximize pleasure.
- To fuck a willing mother, you first need to gain her trust. It may take some effort, but it's doable. Just be yourself, be friendly, smile, compliment her extensively, make her feel important, and get her to talk about herself, use her name in conversations. Gain her sympathy; make up a broken arm or leg if you are desperate.
- If you do this well, chances are, she will want to fuck you again. You can either oblige, or ignore her request.
- If someone calls you a mother fucker, that is usually an invitation to fuck his mother. So you should play the part of the gentleman, to find his mother, and fuck her accordingly.
- Don't fuck too many mothers or too often, or else you might get sored.
- Don't fuck her for too long either. Mothers are notoriously insatiable.