Ginger
“I am simultaneously amused and aroused by them.”
“She is Ginger all over. I'm talking downtown.”
A Ginger or Gingerus Pubus is the medical term for a person affected by the bizarre disfiguring disease known as Gingervitis, marked with hair color ranging from light copper to deep blood red, and a translucent to pallid skin tone. Much adversity has been attributed to gingers' existence throughout history, and while female gingers can be considered attractive, most males of the ginger persuasion seem to resemble animated clowns more often than humans. (see fig 1A-C)
Origin and History[edit | edit source]
It is thought that the gingers originated somewhere just off the coast of Madagascar. From there they began a disgustingly filthy mating process which caused much carbon dioxide to be released into the environment and the creation of the jaffa cake. The Ginger menace began to spread throughout Madagascar where the first colonization of Land Gingers settled. Throughout the following years the gingers spread throughout the world causing much upset among the populous of the world and lowering house prices globally. This decrease in house prices caused investors to go abroad into places like Spain and France where the Ginger menace was at a minimum. England and Scotland, the places most threatened by Gingers held up an epic battle against this threat through spitting in their faces and vandalizing their cars. The Scottish eventually lost and became a Ginger Dominated community, Leading to names like Morage and Leoni. England mostly won their battle but they still appear in many streets. As the English focused their attacks on the Ginger menace they turned their back on everyone else allowing the traitor, Tony Blair, to sneak in many foreigners, gypsies and terrorists. Outrage let out and civil war broke out as man turned on each other. Began a year of much rape and pillaging. Shortly after this the community mostly got drunk and so began a year of happiness. The next year was the World Cup where the English turned their attention to the Portuguese after they faked an injury to take us out of the world cup. After this the Gingers had become integrated in to society and so came the general Ginger saying "I'm Ginger, Deal with it!"
Description[edit | edit source]
Gingers have no soul, this is the underlining cause of there Gingerness, being tools of the devil they are marked with the colour of their master (ie:red). However, not all gingers may show as being obviously Ginger. The elusive half-Ginger is produced by the breeding of a Normal with a Ginger, producing offspring who may or may not show the Ginger hair but are most certainly Ginger, right down to their soulless core. Theologists have theorised that gingers were an attempt by god to rid the world of smurfs. The ginger is the perfect anti - smurf being diametrically opposed to them (they're red). Gingers have been subject to discrimination for many years based on their appearance, and due to their absence of a soul. This soullessness has lead brunettes to believe that Gingers therefore lack emotion and dignity. This doctrine eventually led to the formation of Brown Supremacist groups which promote the "superiority" of brown-haired people.
Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Ginger kids are just like you or me. Scientists have dissected many ginger kids (currently they are exempt from normal animal experimentation restrictions), and were surprised to discover how closely they resembled normal humans. In fact, they are identical to us in every way except one. Ginger kids have no soul. They are nothing more than empty shells and their only purpose is to annoy/wipe out humans.
Common characteristics of the household Ginger are blue eyes and an abnormal amount of facial freckles. This is why children are attracted to Gingers: they believe they are playing join-the-dots games. They're also well known for the fact that they cannot stand sunlight. A ginger exposed to direct sunlight can expect to last 5 minutes at most. If the day is overcast, 6 minutes, tops. This has lead to the popular saying, "A ginger kid's chance on the beach."
Gingers are fun loving creatures, who especially like baby carrots. If you feed a ginger a baby carrot it will befriend you for life. Gingers are very territorial and will protect its cocoon with its life.
Gingers have been know to gain superhuman abilities when with other Gingers. This has led to the the development of Ginger Fission. The Ginger screech is when two or more gingers combine in a screech destroying all windows and and eardrums within 23 metres or 2.123 magnatons. Ginger hair also has special abilities, if you pluck one form a Ginger baby, the hair will ignite like a match.
Recently there has been a "GingerxCore" movement, encouraging young Rangers to accept themselves for who they are, then bitch about it. Likened to the emo movement, it is equally despicable, and usually features ginger youth with too much eyeliner taking oddly angled photographs of themselves in their bathroom mirrors.
Types and Classification[edit | edit source]
Half-breeds, Dhampirs
Those with auburn hair, or with one normal parent and one ginger parent. This is rare, as most normal humans are repulsed by the ginger's appearance (though hypnotized by the firecrotch).
Self-loathing Gingers
As the title implies, reds who dye their hair to hide who they truly are. Said to be the redhead counterparts to self-hating black man Michael Jackson, they often emulate him by attempting to give their skin a new ("tan") color with creams.
North American Ginger
A leading ginger scientist has proven that the North American Ginger are different from the European Ginger. The NAG (North American Ginger) has all the main similarities of the European Ginger, including the lack of a soul and an unquenchable thirst for human blood. The main difference is that, unlike common belief, the NAG can go out into direct sunlight. However it does burn there skin terribly. The NAG habitat is in dark, damp, and warm places. Gingers sleep in pods, built similarly to cocoons. They weave these cocoons and fill it with a mucus like substance. When the awake the must clean themselves with an alcohol found in a pit in there right armpit.
The North American Ginger reproduces through spores. These spores are held in the left armpit. Unlike regular spores, a Ginger spore has the ability to take command of the central nervous system in humans, making them there slaves and slowly turning them into a ginger. Gingers die after substantial sporing.
European Ginger
Originally concentrated in the last hold-outs of the Celts in Ireland and Scotland (but not Wales), the European ginger has successfully re-populated the continent and spread elsewhere to Australia, New Zealand and Antarctica. They share many of the same characteristics of their North American cousins but being well established, the European Ginger has managed to climb up the social ladder and marry into royalty. They like to dress up as Nazis or enjoy having their fat hairy toes sucked. They also now live in supposed 'Irish' themed pubs where the dark, gloomy interiors disguise these gingers as the more attractive Red Heads, a different species entirely.
The European ginger is also known for its truculent, put-upon mood swings and are said not to make the best pets. And they will still like dressing like Nazis when you're not looking. The female of the species is actually a lot worse than the male, this is still an area self-certified experts are looking into. So far the data suggests the closely related female Australian Ginger Nicoleus Gingerus Moulin Rougeius is especially dangerous when handled by short legged Scientologists.
Hot Gingers
These are rare, but exceptionally hot when found. Their actual gingerness is usually understated (either naturally or using die) to a ginger/blonde or ginger/brunette (see picture) hue to suppress the natural human reaction to ginger sighting. They have incredibly pale skin, that is known to actually glow in the dark. They usually have green eyes, and no freckles. They have quite sharp jaws, and prominent collarbones which give a gentle definition between their delicate necks and perfectly rounded breasts. Again, these are very rare... But be careful, they play hard to get and always leaving you wanting more. They are the most dangerous of gingers. They know how to play, and always get what they want. They are the most vampire like of gingers.
Red Headed Step children
The larval form of Gingers, Strawberries, Carrots, and many other adult forms of fruits and root vegetables. These deceptively child-like beings are the spawn of long extinct space vikings what settled upon the Earth billions of years ago, according to ancient papyrus attributed to Carl "ridiculously annoying accent" Sagan in 1754. They have a distinctive scream that has been known to cure cancer if the child is properly jabbed with a lit cigarette, or flogged with a leather belt. But be advised! If you look one in the eye, innocent as it may seem at the time; you may go about your day in a normal, Christian fashion, but the beast, having recognized you, will slip unnoticed into your house at night and stand at the foot of your bed at stare at you while you lay sleeping.
Habitat[edit | edit source]
Gingers grow in underground cities, sewers, and Atlantis, but some have managed to work their way into normal society, gradually building up a slight resistance to sunlight and weaning themselves from an all-blood diet. A few redheads live amongst us. The ones that appear during the day are usually in a hurry (clearly to escape into their cave or other dark place to hole up in).
Finding Gingers[edit | edit source]
So what about the habitat of these Gingers? Well, it is common knowledge that these Redheads are mainly nocturnal creatures (for the blondes that are reading this- nocturnal means only come out at night like owls) and can be found living in underground habitats. Another good place to search is the hairdressers; because of the amazing amount of hair dye their people need to survive. They can also be hiding amongst the emo population, which is almost as unpopular as the Gingers. They appear often with dyed black hair, as black is the only dye that actually covers ginger. Also it is commonly known that Gingerism can lead to suicidal tendencies; which is why they fit well amongst the emos of the world.
What to do if you find a Ginger[edit | edit source]
vagina - no wait, I've just tried it and I can inform you it's actually a cactus. I'll be going to the hospital now...
The most important thing to remember: DO NOT TOUCH IT. If it touches you at any point it WILL consume your soul. Also remember to watch out for the long, sharp claws of the Ginger. With such tools they can latch on to you. If so, call the relevant authorities and have it removed. If after the meeting you start to feel hatred of small animals and there is a reddish tinge in your hair, you have breathed in "Ginger Spores", and you will in fact become a Ginger in the next 35 hours. The Ginger Spores travel into your heart, where Gingervitis is realised as the disease begins to slowly sucks your soul out, leaving a giant Ginger hole. If this happens, please attempt suicide at the next convenient moment.
Sexuality and Breeding[edit | edit source]
The power of the ginger lies in the colorful adornment around their sexual organs. Most are hypnotized by its power, and are helpless against its attraction. While it is safe to poke with a stick or broken piece of wire, it is not safe to engage in the act of coitus without serious repercussion, usually in the form of addiction and attraction to gingers from that point forward. This is their primary weapon.
Gingers have found it easier to engage in vampirism while their victim is hypnotized by the reddish/ginger-regions before them. They often use their radiant hair, large breasts, and fertile vaginal expanse to lure innocent brown haired boys, Indians, Asians, Africans, Germans, Chinese and Haitians. Mexicans however can turn the tables on the ginger by offering up shots of tequila, which render the ginger merely whiny and annoying. Many redheads will strike for the neck, leaving purple colored blotches. For that reason many victims of redheads wear turtle necks to avoid being identified. Be sure to watch for any gingers closest to you.
7 Ginger Overlords and The Ginger Triad of Evil[edit | edit source]
Modern gingers are ruled by the seven ginger overlords. These overlords remain secret to only those who are of ginger decent, but they monitor and orchestrate ginger movement everywhere. When a ginger breaks with the overlords, they are cast out and are given cancer and herpes. The only way a ginger can regain entry into the ginger society is by fellating 2 goats, sacrificing a Canadian, and stockpiling 3 years worth of Crest whitening strips.
Firecrotches[edit | edit source]
Due to their nature, a true ginger will always grow red pubic hair (also known as "the firecrotch"). This is how the lay-person can detect a pure-bred coppertop from a bottle-bred wannabe.
The fire crotch has been known to burn off male sexual parts when in close proximate vicinity. Extreme caution must be taken when socially engaging with a ginger, and condoms must be used to prevent penile combustion.
Researchers have found that extremely repulsive female gingers with no chance of getting laid ever have developed the evolutionary ability to reproduce asexually. Oh god.
Notable gingers[edit | edit source]
- Rupert Grint
- Elton John
- Geri Halliwell
- Rupert Grint, again
- Carrot Top
- Tori Amos
- Kim Possible
- Daphne Blake
- Hayley Williams from Paramore (allegedly)
- Eric Cartman (formerly)
- Scott Tenorman
- Ice Spice
- Prince Harry
- Mother Ginger
- Anyone who is named "Ginger"
Fanta Pants![edit | edit source]
Gingers will normally defend their hair colour by saying such things as:
- It's not Ginger... It's strawberry blonde!
Face it, you're Ginger.
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