UnBooks:Dr Seuss' "The Git who Stoned Christians"
Foreword
Theodor Seuss Geisel (pronounced /ˈɡaɪzəl/; March 2, 1904 – September 24, 1991) was an American writer and cartoonist most widely known for his children's books written under the pen names Dr. Seuss, Theo. LeSieg and, in one case, Jozef Fritzel. He published 44 children's books, which were often characterized by imaginative characters, rhyme, and frequent use of really
His most celebrated books include the bestselling "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish", "Horton Hires a Ho!" and "The Joy of Sex". Generations of young Americans grew up comforted by his friendly style and exciting illustrations while, simultaneously, being made aware of the benefits of a diet rich in green ham and the dangers of inviting fast-talking but unidentifiable animals into the house while their parents were not home.
The man millions world wide had come to think of as Dr Seuss, departed this Earth in 1991, leaving his heirs richer to the tune of $40 million, and the world's children poorer for his loss. In 2002, terrorist attacks on New York provoked panic across the United States. Many millions of people were unable to cope, having been brought up to believe that the biggest danger to the American way of life was the ever-present threat of a Grinch stealing Christmas. The White House responded by recruiting noted psychic James Bogus to interview Geisel via Ouija board. The result was the publication of his final books (the first written posthumously), starting with "The Git who Stoned Christians". In this slim book of only thirteen pages, Geisel recounted the whole story of how Osama Bin Laden had first become wealthy thanks to US construction contracts but had then turned against the West following the stationing of unclean foreign troops in the Arabian peninsula in the build up to the first Gulf War. Despite their deployment being over 300 miles away from the holy cities of Mecca and Medina, the sight of female US personnel wearing nothing but full combat body armour, boots and helmets was felt to be an insult to Islam. Geisel explained how, witnessing one of these "Whores" shamelessly defending Bin Laden's homeland from foreign aggression had driven Osama to take a terrible revenge.
It is thought that his publisher, Doubleday, vetoed Seuss's original suggestion for the title: "The Twat in the Hat".
- Every infidel
- In the US
- Worshipped Jesus a bit...
- But Osama
- In Saudi,
- Thought Christians were SHIT!
- Osama hated Christians! They drove him quite mad!
- So he rounded up followers and called a jihad.
- It could be his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
- It could be his turban was wound round too tight.
- But I think that the most likely reason of all
- May have been that his gonads were terribly small.
- But,
- Whatever the reason,
- His turban or balls,
- He invested his millions to bring death to us all.
- While he had a last meal of goat, beans and figs,
- "They let women drive!" he snarled with a sneer.
- Then he growled, with his fingers nervously tapping,
- "How I hate to see Muslim boys copy their rapping!"
- For,
- Last year , he knew...
- ... had been infidel fun
- They'd woken up early and picked up their guns.
- And Then! Oh, the shame. Oh, what a pity!
- They'd sent troops to Saudi, home of holy cities.
- But Osama's blood started to BOIL!
- BOIL!
- BOIL!
- BOIL!
- They'd stopped Saddam's fun, the spoil-sport turds,
- But at least they let him go on gassing the Kurds!
- And THEN
- They'd done something
- He hated to see!
- They'd prayed to a God who'd had been nailed to a tree.
- Every infidel pig-dog, Oh, Heaven above!
- Worshipped a God who preached brotherly love!
- They'd sang! And they'd sang!
- And they'd SANG! SANG! SANG! SANG!
- Hymns about mercy - and that sort of thang.
- And the more Osama thought of this whole Christian army,
- The more his brain addled, the more he went barmy!
- "Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with them now!"
- "I must stop these Christians singing!"
- ... But "HOW?"
- Then he got an idea!
- An awful idea
- OSAMA
- GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
- "I know just what to do! It's a fail-safe plan!"
- He said as he flew off to Afghanistan.
- And he chuckled, and clucked, "I'm really the man!"
- As he checked his bags into Hotel Taliban.
- "All I need is an airliner..."
- Osama looked round.
- But Taliban pilots were thin on the ground.
- Did that stop Osama...?
- No! Our hero said,
- "If I can't find a pilot, I'll train some instead!"
- And he found some half-wits. And with plenty of urging
- THEN
- They loaded some planes
- With plenty of fuel
- The infidel fools.
- Then Osama said "Giddap!"
- And the plane started flying
- Toward old New York City
- Where the kids could start dying.
- All the windows were lit. As the plane flew through the air.
- All the infidels working in the World Trade Center there
- 'Til the plane hit the first tower perfectly square.
- "That was just number one," old Osama thunk.
- "If I wasn't a Muslim I think I'd get drunk."
- But didn't know this was down to Osama.
- They thought that the crash was simply terrible luck
- So they shrugged, drank more beer and said "What the fuck?"
- Said Osama, "I'll show them that I am the boy!"
- "There's another tower just like it that I can destroy!"
- Then he eagerly switched over to watch CNN,
- To see the destruction again and again!
- He sent up another plane, number three and then four!
- And he hoped that the infidels would think he had more.
- And he sent them to DC and back to New York,
- Then he knocked back some peanuts and alcohol-free beer.
- And laughed as he watched global panic and fear.
- He cleaned out his ice-box, but left the sliced gammon.
- And re-checked the pizza in case it had ham on!
- Then he ate all the food in just half an hour.
- And grinned as the second plane hit the South tower.
- Passengers to Hell, pilots to Heaven.
- Osama wondered why it was called 9-11.
- For surely it wasn't already November,
- Was it month first, or day? He could never remember!
- The next plane struck gold and killed some top brass
- But the fourth plane, who knew where 'twas bound,
- Simply vanished from radar and crashed on the ground.
- Now, Osama was trapped by the hotelier's daughter,
- Who questioned his plan - "Gosh, do you think that you oughta?"
- "I ask with respect, as you know, I'm your niece"
- But you know, that Osama was so smart and so slick
- He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
- "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake sheikh lied,
- "I can do no wrong - I've God on my side"
- "You can't understand - you're just a wee lass."
- " But George Bush said Mohammed took it up the ass."
- And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
- He tucked her in and he closed up the drapes
- And the next thing he knew
- He was out on the street!
- Amputating the hands of an habitual thief,
- "One day," he said. "It won't seem so weird,"
- "That I hang every man, woman or child without beards."
- Then
- American troops
- Were all over the place
- Freeing women once gaoled
- For showing their face.
- It was quarter past Ramadan
- As the US attacked
- With the infidels closing
- He packed his ruck-sack
- With bon-bons, gob-stoppers and sweet sherbet fountains,
- Three thousand feet up! By Mount Tora-Bora,
- The Black Hawks and armed drones bombed the fauna and flora.
- "Pooh-pooh to the US!" he git-ishly said.
- With his dildo inserted, bag over his head.
- "They'll never find me! Not in this remote cave!"
- "Not if my disciples know how to behave."
- "I'll just stay here in bed with my boyfriend, Dave!"
- Well, they looked and they looked.
- But couldn't find Osama.
- Not under George Bush.
- Not under Obama.
- Is it allies, intelligence, or luck that they lack?
- Or did they just get distracted re-invading Iraq?
THE END
