Brian Jones

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Brian "Dumb Blondie" Jones
Jones, when crazy becomes a pathetic animated thingy
Biographical Information
London, Netherworld
5 ft
Hair Color:
No eyes, just eyebags
America, The Rolling Stones
Known For:
I'm so jealous of his hair. 

Lewis Brian Hopkins Jones (28 February 1942 – 3 July 1969), known as Brian Jones, was an English musician, hippie and an honorary "founding" member (or so he claimed) of The Rolling Stones. Controversially, he was also the sixth Emperor of the United States.

To fans, Brian was the best Stone ever. However, that is not true; the fans simply cannot face the fact that the only members they know are Mick Jagger and Keith "Moon" Richards. Poor Brian.

Early Life[edit]

Born Lewis-Brian Hopkins Jones on February 28, 1942 (or better known as Brian Jones). Brian was kicked out of his house for having sex with his sister and had to live somewhere else. Brian was renowned for his macho-ness, pickpocketing skills, and yes, his playboy-esque character. At the age of 5, he rose to prominence by being named in Aleister Crowley's will as the new Emperor of America; that didn't faze him any, however.

One day, as 10-year-old Brian was beating up a boy who stole his food, the boy's older brother saw it, got pissed and pushed Brian into a manhole. In the sewers, he befriended a mutated rat named Mister Squiggles. Under Mister Squiggles's tutelage, he learned the ancient art of Rak-én'Rol (now known as Rock music nowadays). After 20 years of training, he learned how to play many instruments as well (that concludes that theory that Eric Clapton ain't God). Soon, he bid his mentor farewell as he left his stinky "home" for the real world.

Jones would stay home all day practicing stupid sounding instruments to be played for The Rolling Stones. Some of these instruments include the Didgeridoo and the Bubble Organ. No one is really sure why he was ever in the band. Here's a challenge, try to listen and see if you can hear which instrument Jones is playing in an early Stones song, it's quite difficult.

Rollin' Stoned[edit]

Brian, stoned for life.

In London, Brian met up with his wife-to-be Mick Jagger and his twin sister Keith Richards. They, along with a black gangster Ian "Fistface" Stewart, then formed a reggae band "The Brian Jones Indigenous Experience" out of thin air. The band soon earned lots of members like drug lord Mick Avory on drums, in fact 20 members! However, the other 16 members got bored with the band as the reggae fad was over. Soon it was only the four of them again: Jones, Jagger, Richards and Stewart. They decided to become the super-group "Jones, Jagger, Richards, and Stewart", releasing 25 singles (composed all by Jones) all in 1961. However, the songs didn't fare out and became failures.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Brian Jones.

Time for plan C: get new members! They recruited the multi-talented Bill Wyman and a young farmer boy named Charlie Volts. Since Brian was the multi-instrumentalist already, Bill had no choice but to switch to the crappy bass. As for Charlie, Brian paid a drumming instructor to teach young Charlie to play drums (cause he doesn't have talent all). As soon as Charlie became an expert drummer, the group soon changed his last name from "Volts" to "Watts" (no one knows why up to this day).

The band went through several names like "The Brian Jones Six", "The 5 Musicteers plus Charlie Watts", "Jones, Jagger, Richards, and Stewart with Wyman and Watts", "The Ruby Tuesdays", "The Flying Abdabs", "The Schakalakadingdongs" and "The Beatles" (though they had to changed their band name because there was already an ice cream called "The Beatles"). Finally, they settled for the name "The Rolling Stones" because Jones thought "it sounds nice".


The Rolling Stones became the most influential and most successful polka bands of their time. The band consisted now of Brian Jones (stupid instruments)and the only one the women truly wanted to shag , Mick Jagger (vocals, floor cleaner, lips), Keith Richards (drugs), Bill Wyman (crappy bass), and Charlie Watts (drums and technician). The band made a name for themselves like appearing (after the back flipping dobermans) on the crappy low-budgeted Ed Sullivan Show.

Brian became famous for his skill for playing instruments, his use of arsenal of weapons, and making marvelous curries plus wonderful tea too. He is also an elite member of the Great Britain Society of Unicyclist.

Personal Life[edit]

Also, he took a lot of excess. If it weren't for that, he wouldn't meet lots of women. And if he wouldn't meet lots of women, it's the end of the world for us.

Yeah, he met Anita Pallenberg , big time hoe-bag,while drunk in the street, and the two got into a serious punch-up. He mistook a wall for Anita and cracked his hand on the brick. Since then, she had no choice but to be his girlfriend as he made her feel slightly guilty for him breaking his hand. But Anita never liked that poor loser anyways, he was just the only one who looked good enough to shag. Jones was widely known as a rather poor loser,why should he be angry because Oldham and Jagger stole his band from him? hence his intense displeasure at everyone liking Mick Jagger more than him.(Everyone except heterosexual females that is!)

Because of this he sought help in drugs and new best friend John Lennon, a tattooed leather-clad musician. Hanging out with him wasn't the best idea, John attempted to beat Brian up to make him suit his 'look' While in the hospital, Anita left him for his best friend/part-time lover Keith J. Richards because he was easier to manipulate and they were both into black magic.(she later stated Brian was an 'antisocial old bugger who liked to stay inside playing with tabs').(She also said that he got in the way of her heroin addiction, whereas Keith joined right in.) After this, he went deeper in drugs ---- magic mushrooms, in exact.


As time went by, Jones delved deeper and deeper into drugs, growing sicklier and more pallid by the day.

One day, some bugger came up to him as he was relaxing in his pool and shot him with a tranquilizer gun. This caused him to sink to the bottom of his pool, and he drowned. Thus ended the epic reign of Emperor Jones I.

The murderous bugger was later found out to be former president Lyndon Johnson, who was sworn in as Emperor the next day. Poor Brian.

Even though Brian never contributed anything to the Rolling Stones, they sucked after his death.

Requiescat in pace!

Non-Rolling Stones Recordings[edit]

In addition to his work with the Rolling Stones, Jones also made and contributed to other works. Jones was the principle guitarist on The Beatles unreleased single "Mick Jagger Is A Fairy." He also played the saxophone on the Beatles song "You Know My Name, Look Up The Myspace," which featured Weird Al as well. Jones produced a soundtrack to some boring German film in 1967. The music was full of Nazi sympathy, which put Jones in hot water. However, his then lover, Anita Palindrome, started a smear campaign against Pete Townshend, accusing him of watching kitty porn, thus taking attention away from Jones long enough to kill all the real Nazis. Jones made some solo recordings before his death. No one has ever heard the songs, but a vinyl copy of them is in Bill Wyman's restaurant, along with a copy of Carnival Of Light. Song titles include "I'm Gonna Die Soon," "The Rolling Jones," and the would be classic "What Band Was I In?"

See Also[edit]

Preceded by:
Aleister Crowley
Succeeded by:
Lyndon B. Johnson