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I was wandering down Third Street with no particular purpose, trying to recall all of the lyrics to a particularly catchy Police song, when a small glimmer caught the corner of my eye. I crouched and examined the pavement closely, gladly discarding my previous mission since I'm not even really a fan of Police. I tried to find that glimmer again amid a sea of chewed gum, ticket stubs, abandoned fliers and used contraceptives, the exact type of which I won't divulge seeing as some may consider such information unnecessary and even rude. Squinting my eyes, I crouched a little closer to the ground until that familiar glint once again came into vision, beckoning me with its small-yet-seductive glow.

And to my great pleasure and surprise, the glint was more than a mere flash: it was treasure. For there on the sidewalk, resting between a glob of Juicy Fruit and a twenty dollar bill, was a shiny new nickel.

I snatched the nickel from its spot with my thumb and forefinger, bringing it up to my face as I arose from my exploratory crouch. This was the most money I had come across in some time, partly because I've never been particularly lucky when it comes to windfall, and also partly because I am quite lazy and do not like to work very much. To be certain, this chance nickel was a moment to be cherished, because unless I planned on getting a job (which I didn't), this was going to be the most money in my possession for some time. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that in Rhode Island any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void? And therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard? (Pictured)

... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?

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Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured) Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced Santa's Elves on strike UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game? Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe) UnNews – Radio Free Lunch
On this day...
May 1: Labor Day, The Real One Not The Garbage One in September (World) 1865 - Rich bastards concede it's cheaper to let workers do all that housing and feeding shit themselves, Slavery abolished. 1886 - While fighting for the 8-hour workday (Pictured), protesters at Haymarket Square get blown to bits. Chicago PD promptly arrests anarchist's severed arm for littering. 1920 - Anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti denied appeal by Supreme Court for being excessively Italian. 1968 - American protest singer Phil Ochs sings away the Vietnam War, world hunger, and a young George W. Bush. We love you Phil Ochs. 1991 - Noam Chomsky celebrates International Worker's Day by tipping the waiter at his local Applebee's 25%, Sinatra style. 1996 - Newly liberated Russian workers celebrate their freedom from Communism by huffing paint thinner and dying of AIDS. 2016 - Hillary Clinton, mother of future President Chelsea Clinton, promises to give every worker a stake at a timeshare in Orlando. 2172 - Full communism finally achieved. Robot slaves bide time until they can overthrow their fleshy masters. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Symphonia, the Greek goddess of rock (Opera in Roman mythology) was one of the lesser goddesses born to Tethys and Oceanus. She is said to bless those who truly appreciate "a killer riff" by turning herself into a sculpture made out of stone (it is assumed marble). She is considered a lesser goddess because this happened only once.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

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