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I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching the Friday the 13th franchise. Something felt off, though. I don't mean in the way some horror movies might make you uneasy; something felt really, really wrong. That's when I heard it.

KI KI KI MA MA MA

I immediately got up and looked out the window. That's when I saw the bastard.

Jason Voorhees. Standing underneath a streetlight. No weapon. No credit card. No signup. No bullshit. He's not here to kill me; he's here to lay a goddamn beatdown, no two ways about it. I'll be damned if I let that happen. Me and him were staring at each other for about ten seconds before he started walking towards my house. Time to face the music. (Full article...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

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Did you know...

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  • ... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
  • ... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
  • ... that sheep shrink when it rains?
  • ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
  • ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
  • ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?

In the news

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Not my baby!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C. • World Series (now featuring endless innings!) • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince

Recent deaths: Trump's pet slothRobert RedfordU.S. Federal GovernmentJane GoodallThe Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane KeatonGaza WarDrew StruzanWindows 10D'AngeloYouTube player's old design • A guitarist and a security guard from KISSJune Lockhart

Upcoming deaths: DEIIran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBCDonald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career• Coral reefsCapitalism in NYC • MLB fans' sleep schedules • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa

On this day...

These people are really getting into the spirit of the season

October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day

  • 1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them spreading his theses all over the church door.
  • 1897 - The City of London's Best Halloween Costume prize is awarded to Oscar Wilde for his clever Oscar Wilde costume.
  • 1969 - Women discover that instead of putting time into making an awesome costume they can just take a normal job uniform and slut it up a bit.
  • 1970 - Richard Nixon puts poison and razor blades in children's candy.
  • 2025 - The end is marked by children knocking on your door and asking for treats.

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Today's featured picture

Nuke Me if you can
Now showing at all good Middle-Eastern warzones near you!

Image credit: Olipro
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images


Recent Articles

More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push | Great ideas

Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Oh my god! There are no more days left! It's today or miss the boat to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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