Soccer, more commonly known as kick-baaaall or Amputee Football or (usually by an indignant Brit) We call it 'football' round here ya bloody wanker, was invented for people who are too poor to play Hockey Polo, or live in a warm climate where they can wear shorts. It is a sport that requires many skills, including: ability to run around in huge circles waving your arms as if you were an airplane when you score, start to cry on the go when you lose, fake mortal injury at a moment's notice, and the mammalian capability to lose brain cells consistently from stopping speeding balls with the head.
Sometimes people named Goalies, or if you are a sports fanatic, "Keepers", like to get hit in the face, shown below.
The soccer ball has the potential to hit players in the face. Their reasonable course of action seems to be to fall over holding their leg.
Soccer rules often change depending on who's playing the game, why it's being played, and when. For example, if the team playing is Italian, then it is perfectly acceptable to fall down in on corner of the field screaming in agony over an imaginary injury. If the team playing is English, then your fans, nicknamed football hooliganism, will start a riot and distract the other team so you to score a goal.
There are further variations according to why the game is being played. In America it tends to be a lot more soft-core (a.k.a. pussy-oriented), with less injuries. During the FIFA World Cup, however, injuries are much more common, although half are from Italians and not real at all, and the other half are caused by English fans beating English crap out of each other. There are more fake injuries in today's soccer than in its early prototype, wrestling.
Scoring in soccer is remarkably rare. In the vast majority of matches, teams who score the first goal win the game 1-0. If the score reaches 3-0 the mercy rule comes into play, and the overwhelmingly superious team wins. Also, many leagues don't crown a champion for decades at a time, because every game ends in a 0-0 (pronounced nil-nil in soccer-speak) draw.
Soccer has been referred to as "chess on a field" which is a bit of an insult to the game of chess which is far more exciting. The most exciting thing to ever happen in a soccer game had little to do with the actual game. It occurred in Sevilla, Spain during the 2003 UEFA Cup final between Celtic and FC Porto. A man dressed as a referee ran out onto the soccer field (referred to as the "pitch") and gave the real referee a red card. He then ripped his clothes off, took the ball and took a shot at the net which the keeper saved (which shows even during a hoax there's still no scoring in soccer).
The second most exciting thing ever to happen was a war between two Latin American countries over the outcome of a match. Neither side really won, it was a nil-nil draw.
The third most exciting thing ever to happen was a riot during which many heavily intoxicated fans beat the living daylights out of each other. As you can imagine, neither mob scored points, resulting in a nil-nil draw.
The fourth most exciting thing ever to happen was when every spectator in the crowd simultaneously blew on their plastic trumpets, making all the players bleed from their ears. None survived the incident, resulting in a nil-nil draw.
In the early 1800s, due to a lack of Tigers to be shot, the British turned their attention to eradicating Hooligans, which they did with some success.
With the downfall of the British Empire the cult of the Hooligan came to England with returning service men. It lay dormant for many years only spoken of in secret. Until the late 20th century and the deification of soccer. This coupled the skill of kicking a ball for sport by 22 men; with the skill of kicking the shit out anyone who was not wearing the same colour shirt as you.
Ways to identify an England fan
- A flag remarkably similar to that of Denmark will be painted all over their body.
- They have a primitive form of language, shaped by millenium of grouchy teachers.
Their call sign to attract other England hooligans is a repeated chant of En-ger-land, En-ger-land (pronounced ing-ger-lund). Typical attack signs are: "You're going home in a <insert adjective here> ambulance" - which is a little odd because typically you go to HOSPITAL in an ambulance. Alternatively, "I'm going to break your bar up, you french frog eating bastard": Also odd because the French are known for their cafes, but the English and Irish are known for their pubs.
All patriotic England fans still regard WW2 as an ongoing conflict, and all Germans as the enemy. Racist German specific war cries are "Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo dah, doo dah, whop whop whop" or "My grandad shot your grandad, doo dah, doo dah". (This one is typically sung to the tune of Camptown Races.)
A more historically accurate version of "Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo dah, doo dah whop whop whop" would be "Two World Wars as part of international allied forces that took six years to defeat a small backward country and one world cup (compared to your three) won at home thanks to a dodgy linesman in extra time doo dah, doo dah, Wha?"
All England fans should be treated in the same way as a large bear - try not to attract its attention and slowly walk away. Do not feed it under any circumstances, except with fish n' chips.
Ways to identify a Scotland fan
- Whether the World Cup is played in Zanzibar, the Galapagos, or the Gaza Strip, there'll be about 600,000 Scottish fans jumping about (every time the jnglaourney is spoken of, an extra 100,000 will be added to this number). They are all pissed, basically, and their midgets wear ginger wigs. Unfortunately, by the time they arrive the team will already be on their way back home. With no national team to distract them, Celtic and Rangers fans will resume killing each other soon ("die yer Feinian bastard! was the cry heard over the moors for a hundred years").
Or, in some parts of Scotland:
- They'll be at home watching it on the telly or in pub wildly cheering on whoever England is playing ("come orn ya wee Peruvian bastards, kill the wee le' leanin' English bastards!").
Ways to identify an American fan
The few exceptions to the this are people from Seattle and Portland (who have a bitter rivalry against each other), where soccer is more popular than football and is actually referred to as football. Blame it on the rain.
Futbol/Futebol/Socquer/Balompie are the Latin American terms for football. Latin America is big on this sport, hence its an alternative from selling crack to make quick cash in life if you are born poor. Also, if you're a Portuguese or a Spanish speaking and do not like soccer, you will be publicly executed in a town square via firing squad. Some of this events led to the soccer revolt of 1967. There was also a war between Latin American states Honduras and El Salvador where the casus belli was a simple futbol match. Some of the greatest soccer players of all time have come from here, like Jesu' Cristo do Brasil, and the greatest player recognized by most institutions Maradona.
There are different rules which distinguish football from Futebol/Futbol: By the end of the match, tear gas must be abundant, portable bathrooms must be burned, the referee must be bought, and firecrackers must be exploded in the genitals of fans from the other team.
Other Types of Foccer
- It should be noted that it is only referred to as "soccer" in English-speaking countries located in the Western Hemisphere, North of the equator, aside from Canada. In all other parts of the world, it is "Metric Football".
In keeping with the egalitarian spirit in these countries, there are other types of football.
- Canadian Football, 10 meters larger than American handegg, creates mass confusion among newspaper editors with their strange penchant for measuring everything as being "x handegg fields" in length.
- Australian Football, where everybody uses everything to do anything they think looks a bit tough.
- Foosball, where the players are held in place by spinning shish kebabs, thereby minimizing interpersonal contact that could be misconstrued (see Rugby).
- Rugby, where they play handegg (American) with no pads. You get to feel up other, hairier men in this sport due to the cross proximity and gay sex positions you find yourself in, in a so called "scrum". Consequently only a handful of the more gay countries in the world have ever heard of it. The French love it.
- Korean Soccer, thought to be a primitive form of the religion Communism.
- Gaelic Football, better known as Bogball
- Real football. Commonly known as invented by English, it was really developed by the Spartans who played with the skulls of their fallen enemies, similar to dodgeball's humble beginning's, minus the opium. Current polls show that 12 out of 4 citizens of the Milky-Way galaxy believe that this is the only form of 'Football' played by anything of a heterosexual orientation; the fudge-packing proponents of the other variants, however, believe that certain mathematical errors render this point moot.
- Hand Egg. More interesting game played by the loudest members of the free world. Each game takes 4.5 days to complete due to TV breaks occuring each time the handegg completes one rotation, but who cares (we are high on nachos and beer anyway). The phrase "we'll be right back after these messages" is now the most common phrase spoken on TV worldwide. American Handeggers are typically hulked up Rugby Players who found the game of 'Rugger' to be far too gay and unnecessarily dangerous. Picture having to tackle Adrian Peterson head on or being hit by Ray Lewis with no pads on, then getting up for it to happen again. What kind of a stupid fuck does that. Steps to playing Handegg: Step 1: Kick, punt, throw, catch, run, "touchdown" (touchdown in Handegg is not to be confused with the sexual position with the same name) Step 2: The opposing team repeats step 1. Repeat from step 1.
- Armchair Football. This is played by two players using a console to control each of their respective "teams". The console serves as the referee and the scoreboard. On the plus side, there is much less advertising than in American Football. However, this comes with the tradeoff of no cheerleaders or halftime show.
- Sword Soccer. Sword Soccer involves all of the same rules as regular soccer, with the notable exception that every player is allowed a sword with which they may do as they please. Notable stratagems of sword soccer include, but are not limited to: impaling, eviscerating, decapitating, and dribbling.
Things to avoid
Things not to avoid