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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work. This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do. What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...) Recently featured: HowTo:Rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic Biffy Clyro Foreign accent syndrome CaseOh Archive · Vote for featured articles · Featured today, a long long time ago An image built one pixel at a time, featured on 14 March 2025: Featured version UnNews:Turner Classic Movies presents The Happy Coon, featured on 15 March 2021: Featured version Did you know... ... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured) ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?" ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions? ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries! ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke? ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever? ... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina? ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians? ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet? ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting? ... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior? ... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"? ... that a camel's boobies are on its back? ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with? ... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured) ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?" ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions? ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries! ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke? ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever? ... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina? ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians? ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet? ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting? ... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior? ... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"? ... that a camel's boobies are on its back? ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with? ... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured) ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?" ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions? ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries! ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke? ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever? ... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina? ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians? ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet? ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting? ... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior? ... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"? ... that a camel's boobies are on its back? ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with? ... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured) ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?" ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions? ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries! ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke? ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?	In the news Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons On this day... March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday 44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured) 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella. 1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family. 1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius. 1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff. 2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012.
Featured picture Calvin and Hobbes was a popular comic strip during the 80s and 90s which discussed various religious ideas. Though he would later become known for his theory of predestination, John Calvin, shown here, was plagued by recurring religious doubt throughout his early career. Image credit: Squiggle View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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