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Somebody touch me.

Come here little grandson, and pull up a chair, ol' grandpa has to say something to you. What story am I going to be telling this time? Hah ha, no story tonight, Jimmy, I'm going to lecture you on something very important. It's time to learn about a little subject called filial piety. Don't start fussing now, it's a very important subject to learn about when squirts like you start to grow up. I was just about to get into that, Jimmy. Filial piety is a simple enough concept, often embraced by popular religions such as Confucianism and Christianity. Now, you're Christian but you don't know what filial piety is, right? That's because the heads of your religion decided to muck up the phrase and replace it with a simplistic platitude such as "love your mom and pop". But I digress, I'll talk to you about religion some other day. (Full article...) Recently featured: You Rob Gronkowski Kirkification Osu! Archive · Vote for featured articles · Featured today, a long long time ago Cigarette butt, featured on 9 February 2025: Featured version Vending machine vending machine, featured on 9 February 2021: Featured version Did you know... *... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular? ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer? ... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular? ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer? ... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular? ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer? ... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?	In the news Too bad you can't customize this in the original. So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April (Pictured) Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day Recent deaths: The MetroCard • Stranger Things • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce On this day... February 9: International Tourette's Day 1884 - First case of tourette's is recorded, subject is originally not diagnosed as his tic was incessantly correcting people's grammar. 1942 - Daylight saving time is introduced in America after Congress is led to believe that that lightbulbs steal the sunlight. 1964 - The Beatles make their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, scandalizes prudish American audiences with their protruding foreheads. 1971 - Apollo 14 returns to Earth after the third manned moon landing, brings back a shitload of sexually transmitted moon diseases. 1986 - Halley's Comet visits our solar system, leaves immediately after noticing the Earth starting to warm up. 2026 - You don't notice any symptoms of tourette's on this day, since all the tics were nonverbal, educate yourself fool.
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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