The Flaming Gay Jailbreak & Bail Fund

It's not just you

It seems this article is rather; errm... "Festive". If this offends you: Tough luck, we like it. Some articles are simply as camp as the fairy on top of the Christmas tree.

The Flaming Gay & Lesbian Homoerotic Buttfucking Jailbreak and Bail Fund or simply #FreeGayMoney, is/was a trust that totally exists and is real, money in the bank™ you can really bank on® established in the 1970's by new-wave radical feminists who, after I start listing off their names will immediately cause you either to zone out in a trance of boredom and click away, or you'll just fall asleep. Ready? Audrey Lorde, Virginia Woolfe, Tiffany Schiffany, Barbara Weiss and .... Zzzzz....

ZZzZzzzzZZzzzz....

Hey, wake up! We're doing the rest of the article.

Check's in the Mail, Baby![edit | edit source]

As everyone knows, gay people are encouraged to commit a lot of crimes, and while doing crimes typically yields a lot of jail time, this fortunately is not so in the case of fags. Luckily enough, there are gorillions of money-dollars just lined up in a very accessible account, ready for any-time use by anyone who likes to take it up the ass for funzies. Without access to this vital resource, slogans like "Be Gay, Do Crimes!" would seem like a ridiculous attempt at entrapment for an oppressed minority group, and literal jail-bait at best. Far from being a honey-pot that's made its way into the mainstream zeitgeist however, the Flaming Gay Homoerotic Buttfucking Jailbreak & Bail Fund stands as a testament for the "gay community" (whatever that is)'s ability to help each other out in a pinch, especially when it comes to providing each other with large sums of money that no individual could possibly accrue on their own in a patriarchical society that only rewards the status of straight cisgendered white men.

Instant Action[edit | edit source]

How it works is simple, see. The fund uses cryptographically signed, proof-of-weird (PoW) technology, to ensure that whenever a gay homo is caught doing up a jacking or huffing ... they just get instantly de-arrested! Recent advancements in Gaydar make it all possible. If the case does end up going to court, there is a swift removal action there, as well.

Judge: The accused is facing charges of $93 million dollars worth of property damage and if convicted will serve 10 consecutive life sentences. What is the plea?
Defendant: Your (dis)honor (fuck you btw), um, the fact is that I'm a boy and I like to kiss other boys so... 
Judge: BAILIFF! Please escort this man to the parkinglot where he'll find a brand new Panzer Tank! Just for you! Thank you for your service. Brings a tear to my eye. :') (call me later)

Criticism[edit | edit source]

Now, I know what you're thinking:

"Can't the real criminals just say that they're gay and continue to get away with it?"

The answer is, "No dude," stop and think about it for a sec, do you really want to be in jail and go around telling people you're gay when you're not? You'd look like a fucking pansie, like a little nancy-boy, hahaha like a little girly-man lmfaooo oh that's rich. Thus the strategy for safeguarding the fund against abuse is secured. This message brought to you by Dial Soap.

🏳️‍🌈LGBT🏳️‍🌈