“Thank God. It's a Paramedic and not a nurse. ”
So you've just hurt yourself. Chances are, your leg is hanging by a skin tag, or you've managed to impale the sexual object you've used inside of your rectum. (See Mr. Hands for more information on this topic). Blood is squrting everywhere. Fear not citizen! Help is as close as your local 911 office! And while you wait, why not order a Pizza, too. In most cities, they'll get there at exactly the same time. Ambulances will usually bring help, in the form of your local EMT and Paramedic. The sight of an Ambulance is usually a cause for the Grim Reaper to shit himself, and they have been known to kick the fates in the balls, all the while saving your ass from it's drunken stupor after you take out a family in a Mini-van on I-40.
Paramedics are usually trained for months on complex medical conditions, how to save lives, and how to generally be kick-ass in the face of death and destruction. But, you quickly learn that all that is useless! After all, all anyone uses 911 for is a taxi cab because their big toe is swollen, or they haven't washed their ass in three weeks and they have a nice case of MRSA down there. Your local nursing home is a great place for the Paramedic to practice his wares. RNs in Nursing Homes love to assist the deaths of their patients by doing stupid things like TURNING DOWN THEIR OXYGEN when they are in distress, and giving them the WRONG MEDICATIONS, but that's just what nurses are good for.
The usual topics of training include:
- Oh shit, he's got an arm off!
- Is that brain matter, or are you just happy to see me.
- You stuck what, where?
- Remember, IV bags don't leave bruises.
- Assholes and you: Dealing with your friendly neighborhood State Trooper
- Where's the Morphine, and how do I use it to shut you up
- Old People 101: What's that Smell
- 1001 Innovative things to do with Splints
- Saving people from RNs.
- Clipboards - They're not just for hitting people with.
- Fun with the Defibrilator - You can shoot arcs like Palpatine!
- Life Support: Blood goes round and round, air goes in and out. Any variation of this is a bad thing.
- All bleeding stops eventually.
- It's ok, let that diabetic eat a jelly roll. His sugar can go higher than 1400!
- It is only a flesh wound.
- O2 therapy for defence "I only applied O2 to the Face."( Yes it was the whole tank.)
- 101 Jobs to give Firemen to make them feel important on scene
Dealing with a Paramedic
It's highly suggested that you don't piss a paramedic off. Remember, anyone who can kill you, and bring you back only to do it again isn't a good idea to make mad. Unless you're a dumbass. Problem patients are usually delt with by:
- Using the largest IV you can find. And starting them in the Penis is fair game, at least to Army Paramedics.
- IV Bags don't leave bruises. Neither do Cold Packs.
- You'll be the cream filling, and we'll have a spine board sandwich with the fattest Firefighter we can find sitting on top of you.
- Oxygen tanks make a ding sound when impacting the human cranium. This has been tested in Memphis, and is of great use against a knife wielding patient.
- Ammonia Inhalants inside of the Oxygen mask. Oh yes.
- Morphine and Demerol, when pushed fast without Phenergan, cause intractable vomiting, and loss of bowel control. Yes, you will shit yourself.
- 8 D cell Mag flash lights are not just for checking pupils.
- Cold packs in the groin area seem to cool off hot heads.
- A Device, that is considered to be a variation on a corset, with leg attachments called the Kendrick Extraction Device, or a KED for short.
This is the brand of Medicine that the Paramedic practices. Due to their superiors being too damn cheap to provide them with the adequate equipment needed to care for their patients, they are the masters of improvisation. All they need to save a life is a BIC pen, a wad of duct tape, and a condom.
Stresses of being a Paramedic
Stresses among paramedics are many. Not least is having to read stupid articles about beating people and using oxygen tanks for what constitutes attempted murder in most states, counties, cities, unincorporated hamlets, and federal protectorates. This causes increases in catecholamines, cortisol and rates of banging of heads against keyboards by decent, law-abiding, mature, and sexually satisfied paramedics. Also having to work with uptight, holier-than-thou medics who can't take a joke, like the one that wrote most of this section, can be quite stressful. Indeed, working occasionally with paramedics who actually do their laundry regularly and got laid in high school can cause feelings of inferiority in their colleagues who didn't quite get there. In addition, being compared to firemen gets on your nerves, and carrying fat people down stairs sucks (As a rule of thumb...the fatter they are higher they live in the apartment).
Common misconceptions of paramedics
- They're firemen. Firemen put out fires. Paramedics treat the sick and injured in the prehospital setting. Try to keep up.
- They all want to be fireman. Some of them want to be an astronaut.
- They're psychotic. This is an understandable misconception, especially if you read the above article. Some of them are remarkably well adjusted.
- They're ambulance drivers. For the love of God people, the stuff in the back ain't just for show! A cop isn't a cruiser driver, is he?
- They get all wispy eyed and see the faces of the people they couldn't save. As medical providers, accepting the limitations of modern medicine and the sometimes inevitable succumbing to illness or injury is learned early on. Besides, many have trouble remembering where they put the clipboard, much less the people they couldn't save.
- They drive like bats out of hell. Driving like a bat out of anywhere with your partner and a patient in the back will earn you an unpleasant conversation once you get to your destination.
- They have sex in the ambulance. Pretty much every single fluid the human body produces will end up all over the ambulance at some point. Is this the place you really want to be taking your pants off?
- They tell people to fight while doing CPR. Talking to your partner or the other providers on scene about the medical needs of the patient is far more effective than talking to the unconscious patient.
Common misconceptions about medical emergencies responded to by paramedics
- If you're really drunk they'll pump your stomach at the hospital. Not likely. Gastric lavage has really fallen out of favor. But if gets your teen from hitting the Jack Daniels, feel free to keep this one up.
- Shocking people restarts their hearts. Actually, strictly speaking, defibrillation, or sometimes synchronized cardioversion, does nothing less than cause transient pauses in ectopic... You know what? Never mind. Shocking people is like switching your frozen TV on and off again.
- If someone gets really upset they can faint and the only thing that can bring them back is by you holding their hand and telling you how much you love them. Studies have shown that the effect of handing holding and pleasantries on transient psychogenic syncope is less than once thought.
- If your child is running around the house and playing, there still might be something significantly wrong with them that requires dialing 911.
- The medical problems of attractive white females warrants immediate emergency attention, no matter how slight the complaint may be.
- The best thing for a critically ill or injured person is to have a group of their loved ones crowd around them, argue, and talk at once. Oddly enough, this doesn't help.