Kursk

Brave Russian defenders preparing for battle in Kursk

Kursk is a region of Ukraine that has been occupied by the Russians for far too long, but is now being liberated as you're reading this. The liberation is being done at high speed; much faster than the Russians are inching forward while destroying almost everything in other parts of Ukraine. After all, the Ukrainians don't need to stop to steal toilets and washing machines. The Russian god, president, prime minister, general, patriarch, and general once more, supreme priest and so on, Vladolf Putler, is very happy about the Ukrainian liberation of Kursk. He is finally getting the buffer zone that he has wanted for so long between Ukraine and Russia.

The Russian offensive in Kursk is led by conscripts who are little boys. Their military background consists of some of them having a short hair cut in order to look like child versions of US Marines, plus those who are above the age of 16 are allowed to carry knives. Putler is offering the kids a possibility of living a few days in a ditch before running over open fields with their knives towards Ukrainian tanks. As Putler says: "We're just kidding!" The Russian kid conscripts are unhappy with the arrangement; after all, Russian contract soldiers can receive up to $22,000 for dying for their motherland, while the kid conscripts only get a very dubious reputation. Russian mothers are also complaining that their kids are not home before sunset.

Ukraine, on the other hand, is offering the Russian kid conscripts a pleasant stay at a Ukrainian vacation center, with Netflix, PlayStation 5s, and food made for humans, so thousands of Russian kid conscripts choose a pleasant life rather than dying for Putler. The Kursk region is named after a Russian submarine that self-destructed with 118 Russian terrorists on board, as a step towards a safer and better world.

See also

• Russian invasion of Ukraine
• Battle of Kursk
• Wagner Group

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