Mila Kunis

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It pains me to say this, Mila, but put your clothes back on. Well, for now at least...

Mila Kunis, my love. Ever since you voiced Meg Griffin and was told to shut up in Family Guy, and annoyed the living shit out of me in That '70s Show, I knew I was bitten. In more than one way...


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mila Kunis.

Oh, and one thing. This is the only thing I don't like so much about you: dating Macaulay Culkin? Seriously, he's paler than a ghost!


Look at her!

Background info[edit]

She's thinkin' about me. I know it.

Mila Kunis was born in Russia. I would say beautiful woman bore Russia, but that'd be the stupidest fucking Russian reversal line ever. So I'll stick to the facts and say Russia bore a beautiful woman. Where she was born was not known as Ukraine at the time, it was something Russian and I'm not even gonna try to pronounce it.[1] She has a mom and a dad. They indeed made the right decision when choosing which chromosomes to contribute towards their baby when they screwed; the sexy ones. She also has a brother, which I couldn't care less about.

Moving from one Union to another[edit]

Since Mila Kunis was born in the Soviet Union, she was born in a united country (that's what they want you to think). When she moved to the United States, she wouldn't be away from living somewhere united. I'd unite with that ass.

When she moved to the United States in 1991, she was only seven years old. Therefore, Russia was returned to its prior state or normality; having a fully-developed woman holding the position of Russia's Sexiest Woman. She moved into Los Angeles, California on a Wednesday and by Friday, was already attending school. A woman that's dedicated... I dig.

One of these reasons she moved to the United States was because she was Jewish... ... Russia suppressed Jews at that time.[2] How could they do this to you, baby? I'll never suppress you due to your religion, honey!

When she enrolled into Rosewood Elementary School she could not speak any form of English or flash any types of signs. (Not even gang signs) However, now, she can speak Russian, English, and body language!

She later recalled that she "completely blocked out second grade and had no recollection of it". She also states that she'd always talk to her mom and grandma about it.[3] She didn't understand the culture and cried everyday.You can cry on my shoulder, sugar.

One of her college essays said "imagine being blind and deaf at age seven", well I'm not seven but I was blinded and deafened with the power of love when I saw this:

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I love you.


Mila Kunis, I can't tell if its snowing or if I'm just on drugs!

Not only is Mila Kunis sexy, great in the bedroom, capable of speaking 3+ languages, a famous actress, sexy, full of potential, sexy, and beautiful (and sexy); she's smarter than any other girl you've ever met or ever will meet! Mila attended a middle school after elementary school, Hubert Howe Bancroft Middle School. Even the teacher there wowed at her beauty, and gave her straight As for this. But this is not where it ends. She scored an A on every test she took because she was just so smart. The beauty bit was extra credit, since some girls can be really freaking ugly.


She's thinking of me again... so cute! Ahhh... okay back on track. Miss Mila used an on-set tutor during her days when she would pricelessly spend her days filming That '70s Show. When she spent time off, she attended a high school. That word just makes me shutter sayin' it.


Mila Kunis was recognized almost instantly for her beauty by American talent scouts. She had an astounding career, probably because she was astoundingly hot, and it can be split into two parts - first her television career, then her film career.

Television career[edit]

Mila Kunis!

Mila started acting when she was eleven, for some show nobody remembers, but her acting career didn't take off until she was fourteen, for playing the superficial Jackie Bula Burkhart on That '70s Show[4]. While most people didn't find Jackie attractive at first - with the exception of teenagers, pedophiles and people who like to do cheerleaders - as the show and time itself progressed, Mila gradually got older, tanneder, hotter and thereby more bangable, making Jackie herself extremely doable, and no man could resist her. When the show ended, Mila needed to search for more work, and for a character better than the obnoxious yet hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhot Jackie Burkhart.[5]

Mila Kunis' polar opposite alter ego

Mila caught the attention of that asshole Seth MacFarlane and he asked her if she liked to play the part of Meg Griffin on Family Guy to which she agreed. While she wasn't as hot as she was in the later years of That '70s Show, several lonely teenagers when confronted by their psychiatrists admitted to jerking off to her at least once.

Film career[edit]

After acting on television, Mila had a respectable career. Even more respectable once she goes to bed with me. She starred in the Book of Eli, which I can't quite remember, but I think also had Denzel Washington in it. She was nominated for the Oscar for Best Actress or Best Supporting Actress or something like that. I wasn't paying attention when I was watching the Oscars, I just sat there and got hot when I saw Mila.

Mila Kunis, at a Max Payne-related press conference.

In 2008, she was in this movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I haven't seen but judging from the trailers I saw on TV I assumed was pretty funny. In the same year, she was in one of the Max Payne movies, I can't remember which one, I think it was the first one I'll have to check.

Oh yeah, I'd like to get in the middle of that.

In 2009, she was in the role of a lifetime: Black Swan. The scene where she was making out with Natalie Portman - as a transgendered, bipolar, psychotic ballerina - was particularly steamy and I think everybody wanted to make that into a threesome. Don't worry, Mila. We will. In fact, I, oh, oh yeah, Mila, do it with me and Natalie. Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmm. Oh yeah. That's what I'm talking 'bout!

Later, she starred in an ever better movie: Friends with Benefits which is extremely hot, and made everybody want to have sex with Mila Kunis. (And I mean everybody). Her playing a girl named Jamie that hooks up with Justin Timberlake is amazing. Seriously. I cannot express the emotions I felt. All were good. It was amazing. It made me fall in love with Mila's ass, and it's been a long time since a movie made me fall in love with a girl's ass.

In Ted, Mila was reunited with longtime collaborator Seth MacFarlane, and played the role of the long-suffering girlfriend of Ted's owner. Hey Mila, if that guy doesn't take your relationship seriously and picks the teddy bear over you, call me and I'll help you out.

Just look at the sweet Ukrainian green of her eyes!

She was also in a remake of Wizard of Oz, which isn't good as her other movies, but it still (redeemably) has her in it.[6]


Nobody knows what Mila Kunis is doing in this photo, but even though at first glance it looks like she's getting high, we can assure you she's not.

It's a well known fact Mila was in a long-term relationship with McCaulay Culkin, or however you spell his name, I honestly couldn't care less since they broke up.

Then she started dating Justin Timberlake, for Friends with Benefits. The relationship wasn't too serious.

Then she went on a single date with the luckiest Marine in the world. Lucky bastard, I tell him. He gets what he wants.

After that, it's Ashton Kutcher. Then she started to date Danny Masterson, and then right back at Ashton Kutcher. Then Kutcher again. And again. And Kutcher again.

I really help you and I can do it multilingually.

Finally, after that, Mila winds up with me. That's right. Next on Mila's list of lovers is me. I can't wait to feel her extremely her hot round ass and say dirty things to me in Ukrainian.[7]

Personal life[edit]

In January 2011, Mila Kunis openly confirmed she had a disease. A contagious one, in fact: BEAUTY. That same month, she confirmed she had an eye condition called chronic iritis that had caused a bit of blindness in one eye. Though she had corrected it a few months prior. She sure showed it!

Mila Kunis also explained why she has two different eye colors: because she can.

Kunis supports Obama, and she's been a target of multiple hackings. The FBI protected her. And so did I. I will always... lots of love.


She and her guild will destroy you and your guild in World of Warcraft. She's a gamer!

...I love you Mila Kunis...
What? Remember? I said to her "put you clothes back on. Well, for now at least..." 'cause I mean it.
And I'm uniting with her body, like I spoke of earlier.


  1. I won't.
  2. What were you thinking? Yet another Jew joke? Sick bastard...
  3. And me if I was there...
  4. So aptly named because it's that one show about the '70s
  5. Although ultimately Leo was my favorite character on That '70s Show, and making a close second was Fez.
  6. Because let's face it, nothing can beat Friends with Benefits.
  7. And if that doesn't work out, I can always just go for another famous Ukrainian: Karina Smirnoff, who I heard also looks great naked.

See also[edit]

Lots of love, Mila!