UnNews:Mass "Flatulance Festival" Causes Poison Cloud Over Ukraine
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 July 2007
A TRADITIONAL UKRAINIAN festival in which 100s of villagers eat boiled eggs and cabbage for a month has produced a giant poison cloud, contaminating 14 villages in the area. Authorities had previously warned organisers that the influx of younger participants, "who are increasingly eating illegal hot and spicy curries", were in danger of producing potentially dangerous and widespread fumes. The festival was suspended when reports came in that people from surrounding villages started to vomit blood.
"It like full on Chemical Warfare attack, only worse", one woman said from her hospital bed this afternoon, "I not smell anything so bad since my husband have the rectal prolapse after he eat curried yak in 1943!"
The "Poop" Festival, held in the Ukraine every July since its inception in 1867 is no stranger to tragedy. In 1932 more than 160 people were incinerated when Vladimir Poopopopevic lit his pipe at the height of festivities.
In all 300 people have been taken to hospital, 130 have died and more than 800 were evacuated from the contaminated area. Misha Popopavic, who has been attending the festival for 15 years expressed his dismay at the incident, "Usually our pump just smell bad but these youngs, they eat the strong curry and nearly kill us all!"
"They should stick to boiled egg and cabbage like us old hands. Pump smell bad, but not maim and kill!"
Transport Minister Mykola Phhuttkosvsky said it was too early to say what caused the poison cloud, "yes, it could be the curry gas, but it may be bad batch of rotten egg is blame for this.".
Deputy Prime Minister Oleksandr Farttipantevic, who visited the scene of the accident wearing a gas mask, compared it with the Chernobyl explosion in 1986, "I doubt anyone will be able to live here for 1000s of years, poooh what a stink!".
Curry farts are highly poisonous and can catch fire on contact with air at temperatures higher than 40C. It is also extremely toxic, causing liver damage if smelt. Conversley, fart gasses produced from eggs and cabbages, whilst very smelly are only mildly toxic. Additionally curry fart gas is much lighter and so resultant toxic clouds can spread with alarming rapidity whereas egg/cabbage fumes, being heavier, tend to hang around "he who dealt it".
Officials moved to ease fears that the cloud could ascend to the stratosphere and encircle the globe, "it is theoretically possible, but unlikely."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- parp! "phhhht" ssssSSSSsss, July 18, 2007
