Demon

This is one guy you don't want delivering your pizza. But give him a cookie and he'll play scrabble with your mom.

A Demon, also known as Daemon (from the greek δαίμων , which means fairy spirit), is a maleficent creature, spawned by Satan, conjured by ill-intent, and abjured by the darkness and deepness within the human soul. Though their forms are numerous, they all emerge from roughly the same source--the Deeper Hellrealms, beyond which no entity, mortal or immortal, can survive.

Demons often appear to be locked into an eternal battle against the forces of Good – but that's just a front. In reality, Good and Evil are two sides of the same coin, which makes them necessary to each other’s existence but at the same diametrically opposite (although some say evil is merely the absence of good). It is believed by some that demons are collaborating with the Pope in a plan for World Domination.

Demons are the true embodiments of evil in this world of men. They show themselves in various forms. Be it from the smallest baby, to the largest fat man. Demons can be recognized by their multiple horns, sharp fangs, tails, wings and overall nasty attitudes, although they are often in disguise.

Origins

The celebrated author and pizza critic Carl Sagan argued that demons originated in a battle in Northwest India in or around 3000 BC though it is generally believed that demons originated much earlier, possibly as much as 3000 years earlier at the Creation of the Universe. Demons are also believed to originate when a certain level of complexity in abstract formalisms is reached, though this is only believed in certain cosmologies, notably that of Rick Cook. Geoffrey Landis argued that demons are an illusion of volition caused by certain random patterns appearing in chaotic systems (e.g., the movement of magma in the Earth’s mantle, the actions in the ocean’s currents, a United Stateselection)

Demons And God

Nobody really knows why demons decided to create God, whom they oppose at every juncture - but the theory of Unintelligent Design might suggest some possibilities -- or it might not, Who Knows? It has been argued that The Shadow knows, though popular opinion (and consequently scientific consensus and fact) has it that his knowledge is limited only to what lurks in the hearts of men, and an encyclopedic knowledge of the drainpipes of New York.

Death is not a Demon, but an abstract concept brought on by the cessation of a real phenomenon, Life. Some people have suggested that Darkness will bring the end of times. Darkness, not surprisingly, is merely the phenomenon of absence of Light, and vice versa. Neither are time-related, except to the extent that the speed of Light and Time are inextricably linked in a complex interweaving of physics and alcohol.

Demon Strations

Demons beget demons in ceremonies called Demon Strations (often mispronounced, misused, mistaken, misunderstood and misrepresented as "demonstrations"). To the untrained eye, these may look like instructional displays of technology or applications of wisdom, but they are, in truth, ceremonies that invoke all 13 of the seven deadly sins and 4 of the really neat sins. Those in the audience who succumb to at least 2.7 sins will have demons burst from their nostrils and ears within 2.7 days.

The best way to combat the nefarious effects of a Demon Stration is to pretend to be dead. If that is impossible (eg, the floor is uncomfortable) perform interpretative dance or scream at the top of one's lungs.

The celebrated demonologist Aleister Crowley advised that attack by demons was preferable to being ignored, or worse, snubbed and that if one were attacked by a demon to ‘lie back and think of England’. In Crowley’s time this was sufficiently pleasant and distracting that it mollified the horrors of demon attack but the England of the Third Millennium is now so ravaged by Islam and theme pubs that having one’s genitals pulled out through one’s nose is preferable to contemplating ‘that septic isle’.

Demons And High School Girls

Although he is considered to be a ghost, Siffler may very well be a demon.

One of life's great mysteries is the connection between demons and high school girls, especially high school girls from Eastern countries like Japan, Korea and Vancouver. Albert Einstein created a complex and completely-incorrect formula describing the relationship between demons and high school girls. Isaac Newton discovered "The Proportional Law of Tentaclicity" which states that the more tentacles a demon has, the more likely it is to be drawn to high school girls. In fact, the calculation is more complex, as Albert Einstein showed in a famous experiment in 1933.

$A={\frac {TC}{\sqrt {D}}}$

where $A$ is the attraction, $T$ is the number of tentacles, $C$ is the Concupiscence Index, and $D$ is the distance between the demon and the high school girl. $C$ is sometimes referred to as the Cuteness Number and is derived from monitoring the mean levels of sexual excitement generated by the high school girl.

Oscar Wilde, rumored to be both a demon and a high school girl simultaneously, had no comment for quite possibly the first time in his entire life.

One widely-embraced theory is that many demons were unpopular in high school and want a second chance with the girls that rejected them in life. This theory is most fully explored in Why I’ll Be Back by Michael J Pollard Combined with another widely-embraced theory that women gravitate towards bad men or risky men, one can conclude that demons and high school girls are a match made in heav... um... go together like Monica Lewinsky and being devoured messily.

• “high school girls are hot!”

  – the cat demon on high school girls

Summoning demons

Summoning a demon requires three equally important traits; A) Cunning, B) Access to Demonological texts and their requisite diagrams, C) access to a COMP, and D) A fleshy mammal.

To begin with, warm mammalian blood must be spilt upon the earth; long the preferred sustenance of hell-entities (though barbecued meat is slightly-more preferred).

Then, the user must intimately acquaint himself with the diagrams needed to trap the ethereal demons in physical form. As beings of abstract malice, they can be bound by forms of order, such as circles, equilateral runic octagons, clean and crisply-folded bedsheets, and your mother. These forms must be correctly arranged, as the slightest slip-up can result in an unsatisfactory result (often involving your innards being splattered against the nearest hard surface).

Once bound to earth, the demon will immediately attempt negotiation, often in obscure Victorian-era english. A simple application of any of the demonic anathemae (flowers, fuzzy rabbits, little girls, etc) will shift his vocabulary into the most convenient language at hand.

It is at this point that cunning may be required. Demons will invariably attempt the tried and true tricks of negotiation, including double negatives (IE "Are you sure that you don't not want to sell your soul to us?), and whispered addendums. To match this devious skill, one must either possess great linguistic cunning, or have access to a twelve-year old. Both options are fraught.

After negotiations it is important to remember the name of the demon summoned, as names hold power. In particular, they hold the power to tattle to his immediate superior for mediocre service--and as everyone knows, the manager of Hell is rarely lenient.

For more information on summoning, see Yu-Gi-Oh.

Mating habits

Female demons have time to lounge around and dream

Contrary to what one might expect, demons do breed, albeit rarely, and never without good reason. (Examples: Boredom, Irritation, Hatred, Lack of food, Libidinous urges, Itchiness) Most mating rituals require physical bodies, which demons can acquire very easily through means of possession.

Demon mating rituals carry on for several weeks to only a few minutes, depending on their type. Most often, they involve female demons cleaning, washing up, prettifying themselves, and applying expensive perfume, as a prelude to demonic foreplay, which, on the part of the male, involves little more than a bottle of bourbon, a weak, sullen mind, and a ham-sized fist. Note that the fist in question is, more often than not, a moving fist.

In this way, it is very similar to the married human male pastime known as "stress relief."

In the past, demons have been known to procreate not only with their own species, but with humans as well, commonly in the form of Incubi and Succubi. Until the early 1930's, most theologians agreed that demons acted first as Succubi to collect sperm from men and then as Incubi to put it into a woman's vagina. However, Sigmund Freud, in his book Civilization and Its Discontents, pointed out the fact that demons' bodies were icy. Therefore, he reached the conclusion that the frozen sperm taken first from a man could not have generative qualities. This revolutionary new concept has since discouraged demons from raping humans in their sleep.

In captivity

Once captive, a demon can be put to a variety of uses, across a broad range of spectrums. Unix programmers have managed to domesticate demons to run around in the background of multitasking operating systems and make sure that everything works.They usually handle tasks the user can not be bothered with.

The popular "Muppet Show" children's series is made up almost completely of captive demons, and the arcane masters who preside over them, atop mounds of sacrificed and dying infants. These mounds are hard to recognize, as they are often kept well off-screen.

Not as well that both political parties of the [[USA], the natal birthplace of demonology, utilise demons in their campaigns.

Notable Demons and Demonic Species

Anti-demon

In 1894, a team of crack demonologists, operating their very own LDC--a Large Demonic Collider (made of two cannons, filled with ectoplasm and pointed roughly at each other) discovered, through intense pressure and excessive force, that the opposite of a demon is not, in fact, an angel but instead is a creature so horrible that its name cannot be uttered lest it destroys the entire world. This is not as serious a problem as it may seem, because the pronunciation of this word requires the speaker's vocal cords to extend into the tenth dimension.

Tentacle Demon

Kawaii-chama; a popular character on the hit japanese television show "May I Sexy You Pants?"

The Tentacle demon is a variety found only in the deep, deep Orient, in the land where gods and demons fall and rot and putrefy. In other words, Japan. They lack both central nervous and circulatory systems, along with the majority of normal organic organs. They are composed solely of long, inexplicably extendable phalluses--which are used in myriad, often disturbing ways. An example of Tentacle Demon mating rituals can be seen in the much loved family film Bambi.

The Arch Dukes of Hell

It is difficult to truly encompass the true form of the demonic hierarchy, without a mind capable of simultaneous reasoning in five discrete dimensions and a fluent grasp of the DemonTongue. Suffice it to say that hell is a conglomerate, ruled by a group of highly influential regional assistant managers who report regularly to a higher (or, perhaps lower) authority. They are the ones who approve wages, molest the prettiest damnedsels, and smooth over any altercations with unsatisfied customers. (See Faust).

They are known for their unwillingness to share power, and also for their obsession with small penetratable objects, for which they have a range of phalluses in different sizes which are interchangeable.

Charles Darwin

Or the god who defies god, is not actually a demon, but an athetist. But he is usually considered a demon by fundamentalist christians, due to his evoloution theory that says humans are evolved from monkeys instead of created by god.

MAILER DAEMON

This sort of demon is an irritating one which destroys your unsaved essay you send to your teacher one day before it is due. It was employed by "Yahoo! Mail" at a salary of $19.99 a week.

Nikki Webster

The real Nikki Webster... note the whip. OUCH! I know what i want her to kiss better. *mumbles strawberry kisses* OBEY ME!

This daemon took the form of a sweet corrupt girl, entracing the entire world, with her 'singing'. Not only is she the failed daughter of the elusive Zurgenburger, she almost successed in her world domination. Putting subliminal messages in her songs the popular suicide song 'Strawberry kisses' REALLY SAID. 'Ive been wanting t be a dominatrix, please help me, OBEY ME!" (please sing this to tune!)

Edward Cullen

A demon summoned by the powerful satanist witch Stephanie Meyer, using the spellbook Twilight. Is known to sparkle in sunlight and mind controlling over 100000 fangirls, causing them to sacrifice trolls and haters who defy thy mighty edward. Is looked down by regular vampires due to it's gayness.

Nosferatu

There's demon demons, then there's this guy...

Other well-known demons

• Codex diabolu's
• lawyers
• Satan
• Doomguard
• Felguard
• Inferno
• Felhunter
• Succubus
• Imp
• Vikings
• Lilith (Adam's first wife/Mythological hag)
• Scylla (from The Odyssey)
• Charybdis (from The Odyssey)
• Ghonorrhea (from Your Scrotum)
• Evil Pizza (when he's ticked off)
• Bermuda Triangle
• Stephen Hawking
• Barbra Streisand
• Dark Jesus
• that one guy
• Siffler
• Bob
• Other Bob
• Grendel
• Grendel's mother
• Chris Matthews
• You
• Your Mother
• Matthew Duncan
• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Sardiscus Satanicus
• Beelzebub, king of the flies
• Mesotheliope, prince of deceit
• Molasses, Lord of Sugary Sweetness
• all teachers
• the ones that tangle your wires up
• your new little baby brother and or sister
• Dillon's Mother
• and that Alex kid

Habitat

Demons natural habitat has come under increased pressure in the last few years, with the introduction of a new rival in the form of the Chav. Because of this most Demons have packed up their bags and left for a new life in south of France or New Zealand.

See also

• Satan
• You
• The Man
• Hitler
• Ghostbusters
• FBI
• Ghosts