Christian music
Christian music, is according to Jesus himself, "...the purest music in Earth, no other music can compare." At least, that's what Pat Robertson told me before he died...Erm, where was I? Oh right! Christian music is holy, not unlike the impure and satanic rock and roll, funk, disco, pop, non-christian soul, and all the other ones I don't care about.
Subgenres[edit | edit source]
Christian rock and metal[edit | edit source]
“Rock music is just plain evil. But when we mix a little Jesus into it, it'll become pure, being as white as snow.”
Some people use it as a device to make the pagans Christians, notably in Guantanamo Bay, other people play it and then play their own band's music to falsely claim that Christian music is worse. Nowadays however, the primary purpose is to bore the hell out of everyone until they finally agree to maybe go to church once in a while, probably on Easter or Christmas. This is a beginning for the genre, but it's not enough. Soon, everyone will go to church on every Sunday. Maybe sometimes Saturday. It's not a definite plan yet, really, you'd have to ask the Pope. Like Christian rock, Christian metal is dedicated solely for making the impure, pagan savages become Christians, even if they whine about their current religion.
Some Christian bands have dared to betray the benevolence of the lord, seeking to sell their soul to the Devil, literally and figuratively. Evanescence was an emo/goth band incarnation of Christian rock. They were doing ok in Arkansas. But then, when they turned their back on Jesus, they were worshipped by all the Atheist Satan-loving wannabes. The lead singer dressed up like Raggedy Anne, and the guitarist had a cape with a hood on it, sort of like a Jawa. The Jonas Brothers claim to have once been a Christian rock band, but everyone knows that the Jonas Brothers are a pussy band compared to Pillar and Skillet.
Christian funk[edit | edit source]
Michael Jackson. That's all I need to say. If not for his liberal environmentalism, he's perfect.
Christian rap and hip hop[edit | edit source]
Christian rap was all the rage in the late 1970s, honkies loved to sing it in churches and the music was a revolution to defeat Satan and the death metal era, but was not successful, because KISS and Alice Cooper beheaded the priests, and butt-raped the corpses. In the late 1980s the KISS army fought, and raped the Christians until Rosie McDonald joined the battle for the Christians, and succeeded in rounding up all the band members from KISS with her holy prowess, but then she died of herpes. Nowadays, even saying the term will make all Christians remember those dark days.
Christian soul[edit | edit source]
A mystical, supernatural genre of soft music that awakens the souls of many. Christian soul is widely considered to be one of the most mysterious musical genres of all time, being pioneered by African-Americans who wanted to transcend life and look into their religious past. Not too far though, we still want them to be naïve enough to not know about slavery.
