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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
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... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
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... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
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... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
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... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?

... that I'm coming to get you? (Pictured)

... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
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... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
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... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?

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"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths*: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough* Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay
Onay isthay ayday...
February 19: Alt + F4 Day 1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess. 1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion. 1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake. 1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements. 1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words. 1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future. 1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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The Pontius Pilot is infamous for some functionality issues. One typical complaint is that the Microsoft Crucifixion program often crucified incorrect and important data, such as the Messiah. Thankfully for its users, the file would miraculously reappear two days later after descending to the Recycle Bin, not three as some mathematically illiterate biblical scholars would tell you.

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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