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Private Eye, that's what the letters spell out on the glass to the door of my office. New York City is a tough place to make a living and if you try to sing the blues you'll quickly find out that you're not even good enough to be another voice in the choir. Down on Broadway, it's a dog eat dog world so I make a little money on the side selling milk-bone underwear to hungry tourists or anything else that makes a sound like money. Anyone who lives here can smell the rat in this cheese factory but nobody's saying anything because having morals on Broadway is like celebrating mother's day at the orphanage - It makes you feel good but everyone stares at you like a nun in a string bikini. People don't normally need a Private Eye but when their chickens come home to roost it's a little like being the only cabbage farmer in town on St. Patrick's Day. Eventually they all show up at my door with a sob story and a dirty job that'll pay the bills. (Full article...)

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... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that I am Batman?
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... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
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In the news
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Privacy-infringing Nanny state officials enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran Recent deaths: Team Canada's pride • Some nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran Undetermined: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay**
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March 8: International Men Without Penises Day 4000 BC - God creates Eve, Adam celebrates that he doesn't have to keep stroking it by himself. 4001 BC - Eve forces Adam to sleep outside the hut after expecting free handies without anything in return. 1919 - Women marching on Washington, D.C. seeking the right to vote cite Oscar Wilde's play A Woman of No Importance as an example of misogynistic views. 1935 - Sophia blesses the women of the Earth by giving them the G-Spot, although men are cursed to never find it. 1978 - Your mother is born. According to statistics, she likely experiences 18-34 years of relative ease before you are born. 2026 - Losers on 4chan and Reddit rant about how they never got the girl of their dreams (Pictured), despite being "nice guys." Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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