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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)
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Idday ouyay owknay...
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- ... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)
- ... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
- ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
- ... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
- ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
- ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
- ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
- ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
 - ... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
- ...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
- ... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
- ... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
- ... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
- ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
- ... that the police are at your door?
- ... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
- ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
- ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
- ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
- ... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
- ... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
 - ... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
- ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
- ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
- ... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
- ... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
- ... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
- ... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poopcock, everyone blows their minds?
- ... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)
- ... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
- ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
- ... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
- ... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
- ... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
- ... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
- ... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
- ... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?
- ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
- ... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
- ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
- ... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
- ... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
- ... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
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In the news
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Onay isthay ayday...
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March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably
- 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
- 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
- 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
- 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
- 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
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