Portal:Zoology
Zoology (not to be confused with zooology (the study of animal enclosures) or zoooology (the study of animal eggs)) is the study of animals themselves, and the determination of how they can best be exploited by humans and other extraterrestrial lifeforms.
Zoology was invented by Fisher Price in 1903, who spent his entire lifetime categorizing animals solely based on the sounds which they make when prodded, kicked, tickled, or otherwise abused. Using the advanced Edisonian technology of his day, he transcribed each blood-curdling scream into his pull string-powered mechanical recorder. Unfortunately, while demonstrating his zoological database to a gang of preschoolers at the Boston Museum of Crappy Science Exhibits, Price was attacked by a disgruntled goat and died the next day from thousands of infected nibble wounds. (See more...)
Seal Clubbing is a team-based sport popular in northern Canada, Greenland, Norway and Russia. It is the third most popular sport in Canada after hockey and moose bludgeoning, as well as the official sport of the Territory of Nunavut. Seal clubbing has remained “in the fringe” for most of its history, although it has recently been catapulted into the limelight due to a great deal of negative press it has received regarding the safety of its players.
Seal clubbing began as a native Inuit game. Feuding tribes would meet at a designated area, select a number of seal pups, and bludgeon them to death with blunt clubs en masse as a means of resolving disputes. When it became apparent that such a practice was detrimental to the seal population—upon which the Inuit livelihood depended—the Inuit halted seal clubbing as a means of conflict resolution, opting instead for bludgeoning each other. Seal clubbing, however, survived as a recreational sport. (See more...)
The piranha (pronounced Pu-Ron-Uh) is a species of aquatic carnivore. They may look like something you put in your fish tank, but they are not. Piranhas are small fish-like monsters with really big teeth. They are extremely vicious creatures and evil masterminds that are plotting revenge against the world right now. Trust me, they WILL kill you!
Nobody is really sure where piranhas came from, although there are many theories.
One theory is that some guy kept flushing goldfish down his toilet. The sewer pipes led to hell, where the goldfish were possessed by demons. They then swam back up the pipes just when a guy was about to take a dump. The poor man sucker was eaten alive ass first! It was then the piranhas acquired their taste for flesh. (See more...)
FLINT, Michigan – Little Abigail Sweeney's Christmas morning began normally, with her creeping down the stairs, eyes shut with anticipation. Then upon opening her eyes she saw, with joy and surprise, the present her doting parents and Santa Claus had gotten her. A hippo hero standing there. Exactly as she had asked for!
Ms. Sweeney then opened the rest of her presents, ate her figgy-pudding, and drank her egg nog, all the time sharing the experience with her new friend, her hippo hero. The day turned tragic when Ms. Sweeney began giving the hippopotamus a foot massage in her parent's two-car garage and was quickly sat on to death by the two-and-a-half-ton beast.
"We were a little worried that something bad might happen", said her father, Jasper Sweeney, 38. "We explained to her at one point that it would eat her, but she just laughed and said her teacher told her it was a veg-e-tar-ian." (See more...)
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