Portal:Zoology
Zoology (not to be confused with zooology (the study of animal enclosures) or zoooology (the study of animal eggs)) is the study of animals themselves, and the determination of how they can best be exploited by humans and other extraterrestrial lifeforms.
Zoology was invented by Fisher Price in 1903, who spent his entire lifetime categorizing animals solely based on the sounds which they make when prodded, kicked, tickled, or otherwise abused. Using the advanced Edisonian technology of his day, he transcribed each blood-curdling scream into his pull string-powered mechanical recorder. Unfortunately, while demonstrating his zoological database to a gang of preschoolers at the Boston Museum of Crappy Science Exhibits, Price was attacked by a disgruntled goat and died the next day from thousands of infected nibble wounds. (See more...)
Water Polo... With Sharks! is the hardest game to play, bar none. The sport is exactly the same as regular water polo, but with sharks. The Sharks are not aligned on either of the two competing teams, nor are they their own team, they are just thrown into the pool to add some spice, zest, and lethal danger into what would otherwise be a bland and inconsequential game of water polo. Although extremely difficult, and with a low survival rate, it's a great way to get yourself a scholarship to college. It is also notable for having the least-qualified and worst referees of any sport ever.
Water Polo was invented by Ralph Lauren in 1888. Water Polo... With sharks! was invented much later by an unnamed, escaped quack doctor from a lunatic asylum in the Bermuda Triangle. It was a very difficult journey, filled with sharks, bigger sharks, and smaller sharks with bigger teeth, but by clinging to a spherical piece of wood the quack was able to make it to Cuba. From there he set sail by raft to America with about 20 other immigrants, most of whom died and all of whom were more insane than the quack. The quack died of scurvy halfway across, but the others retained the memory of his desperate journey from the sharks. (See more...)
The Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bear (Bosursus Grizlii), not to be confused with the polar bear or the Seventeen spotted eastern-most blue-nailed field wallaby, is an animal best described as the result of a one night stand between an elephant and an owl with antlers, or a large fluffy rabbit that isn't. It is the northern hemisphere equivalent of the impala antelope of Africa.
The Norwegian short-tailed yak bear is a very unusual animal, vaguely resembling a yak but more closely something that isn't that at all. Males, called stags, may grow over four feet tall and up to two hundred pounds, while females, usually known as nullers or bunties (pronounced boon-tees), rarely grow half as large. Both genders have the same dense, oily coat of white fur and a small, somewhat undeveloped but nevertheless functional trunk, reminiscent of an elephant's, but only stags have tusks. By the time a stag is fourteen or fifteen years old, his randomly forking tusks may weigh over 100 pounds and are often twisted and entwined around most of his body, sometimes preventing feeding and often preventing him from laying down, or in some cases walking or breathing. These tusks have little purpose, as females seem quite indifferent to them and they are far too large to be used in fighting, but they are somewhat useful for defense against predators, mainly other yak bears, which will never miss the opportunity to eat another yak bear's ankles. (See more...)
NEW YORK, New York – Today, Central Park Zoo in New York City announced that it would be abandoning the concept of the "petting zoo" and replacing it with a new "punching zoo," in which small children will be allowed to punch, and otherwise abuse, small animals.
The move will likely revolutionize the petting zoo business, which has been steadily declining in recent years. The CEO of central park zoo, T.J. Abram, explains, "Nobody really cared about petting zoos anymore. I mean, seriously, why would any child want to be gentle and loving to a small animal? That implies that human beings actually CARE about the natural world!" At this point, Abram laughed derisively. "I realized that, if petting zoos were to continue doing business in this world, we'd have to change our business model drastically. So I decided to reform our zoo so it was now based on recreational animal abuse!" (See more...)
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