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The Zoological Portal

Zoology (not to be confused with zooology (the study of animal enclosures) or zoooology (the study of animal eggs)) is the study of animals themselves, and the determination of how they can best be exploited by humans and other extraterrestrial lifeforms. (See more...)

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A common technique is to use a Unicorn Lure™, available from UniTech©...

It's not easy to kill a unicorn. From far away, and even from up close, unicorns are real pretty n' shit. But if you know unicorns like I don't, you would have a real problem with em. FUCA has been recruiting people to our cause for a century with a list of complaints we have against unicorns, a book of recipes, sex positions, a map of unicorn hideouts, and a list of reasons to hunt unicorns in the first place.

The most important reason to want to bring down one of these creatures is for the horn. There are a lot of different theories on what the horn is filled with, but I can tell you right now, it's gotta be worth something. If you tear the horn off the unicorn's head and sprinkle its contents all over the place, you'll be able to fly.

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Written by Cajek

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The authors of creationism.

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Image by Claudius Prime

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Creature Feature

The common Lemonope.

The lemonope is a large-ish mammal with the appearance of a lemon and antelope combined. The Lemonope lives in the lesser known regions of the moon and is said to have been sighted on Earth.

Origins

The Lemonope is said to have originated from a freak cross-breeding with lemons and antelope, but it is far more likely that it is a cheap joke on behalf of God, making us worry our little heads off and invent theories about origins of the species etc. Scientists have studied the Lemonope for decades since its discovery in WWII when one was seen giving a speech to a group of assembled Germans. It was never agreed how the Lemonope came to be in this position in the first place, but when questioned it answered "meeeehhh meh meeh", which cleared that up.

Habits

The Lemonope, like the antelope, engages in fierce battles with other males in order to get the female's attention. The difference being that Lemonopes do not use their horns to attack one another, but instead fire stinging bitter lemon juice into the eyes of their adversary.

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Written by Dasistgutja

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In the News

Toby in happier times.

The government of Mali has been forced to apologise after a camel, given to French President François Hollande as a present, was eaten by a local who later described the beast as 'delicious'.

President Hollande was given Toby the camel in February as a gesture of thanksgiving after France had sent troops to Mali to regain the north from a loose coalition of militant Islamist groups. As is traditional when Western leaders receive weird shit from the natives, Hollande smiled bravely, made a good natured joke, and promptly left the camel with a nearby family, to be "taken care of".

The head of that local family, Dioncounda Yamyam, took care of Toby particularly well for about 10 minutes, posing for photos, before stabbing him through the brain with a dagger and making him into a tagine.

The incident has caused much embarrassment in Mali, and Yamyam was forced into hiding. He told us, "I am really sorry, but when he said 'take care of this for me' I thought he meant it in the Mafia sense.

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Article credit: Leverage

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Portal:Zoology

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