Portal:Zoology
Seal Clubbing is a team-based sport popular in northern Canada, Greenland, Norway and Russia. It is the third most popular sport in Canada after hockey and moose bludgeoning, as well as the official sport of the Territory of Nunavut. Seal clubbing has remained “in the fringe” for most of its history, although it has recently been catapulted into the limelight due to a great deal of negative press it has received regarding the safety of its players.
Seal clubbing began as a native Inuit game. Feuding tribes would meet at a designated area, select a number of seal pups, and bludgeon them to death with blunt clubs en masse as a means of resolving disputes. When it became apparent that such a practice was detrimental to the seal population—upon which the Inuit livelihood depended—the Inuit halted seal clubbing as a means of conflict resolution, opting instead for bludgeoning each other. Seal clubbing, however, survived as a recreational sport.
The Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bear, not to be confused with the polar bear or the Seventeen spotted eastern-most blue-nailed field wallaby, is an animal best described as the result of a one night stand between an elephant and an owl with antlers, or a large fluffy rabbit that isn't. It is the northern hemisphere equivalent of the impala antelope of Africa.
Description
The Norwegian short-tailed yak bear is a very unusual animal, vaguely resembling a yak but more closely something that isn't that at all. Males, called stags, may grow over four feet tall and up to two hundred pounds, while females, usually known as nullers or bunties (pronounced boon-tees), rarely grow half as large. Both genders have the same dense, oily coat of white fur and a small, somewhat undeveloped but nevertheless functional trunk, reminiscent of an elephant's, but only stags have tusks. By the time a stag is fourteen or fifteen years old, his randomly forking tusks may weigh over 100 pounds and are often twisted and entwined around most of his body, sometimes preventing feeding and often preventing him from laying down, or in some cases walking or breathing. These tusks have little purpose, as females seem quite indifferent to them and they are far too large to be used in fighting…
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NEW YORK, NY -- Today, Central Park Zoo in New York City announced that it would be abandoning the concept of the "petting zoo" and replacing it with a new "punching zoo," in which small children will be allowed to punch, and otherwise abuse, small animals.
The move will likely revolutionize the petting zoo business, which has been steadily declining in recent years. The CEO of central park zoo, T.J. Abram, explains, "Nobody really cared about petting zoos anymore. I mean, seriously, why would any child want to be gentle and loving to a small animal? That implies that human beings actually CARE about the natural world!" At this point, Abram laughed derisively. "I realized that, if petting zoos were to continue doing business in this world, we'd have to change our business model drastically. So I decided to reform our zoo so it was now based on recreational animal abuse!"…
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