User:Maniac1075/Harry Potter
| Harry Potter | |
| |
| Directed by | Adolph Oliver Bushe |
| Written by | Jack Michealson |
| Starring | Robbie Coltrane, and a whole bunch of unknown little shits who will have no career outside of this series. |
| Produced by | Artificial Insemination |
| Distributed by | Whorener Brothers]] |
| Release date | Prematurely in 1998 |
| Runtime | 8 mins before you get bored and turn it off, unless you are under the age of 12 and will watch this on repeat that this crap wont go long enough for you. |
| Language | English American Australian Canadian Welsh |
| Budget | $11.50 |
Harry Potter, Aka; "The self proclaimed chosen dork of Narnia" is consisted of seven movies, that each run 2 and a half hours longer then they should. Since Harry's introduction to the world, geeks everywhere have once again given themselves reason to think they are cool, now that a dweeb on the big screen is showing all geeks that that they are not alone when it comes to wasting everyones time by showing, explaining, and reenacting how your Dungeons and Dragons XP level has increased since the time you where 5 years old. Speculation arises as to why it takes seven of these nine hour movies to achieve this goal, but children and morons who read books defend this accusation by replying with witty remarks and comebacks such as sticking their tongues out and making fart noises with their mouths, where as the older, or in most cases, the non-readers with better things to do with their time, all agree that these movies suck so bad, that when they take their penis' out of it's mouth, the pee dribble on the end is still untouched!
The Movies[edit | edit source]
Origin[edit | edit source]
When you are an author in this world and you write the biggest load of shit of all time, you get the book not only published, but Hollywood comes a knocking on your door to beg for the rights to make the movie based on it. Not always is the case of the adaption from paperback to film script kept true to it's original story. As in this case the book of Harry Potsmoker was written by Richard Marion and his pal Thomas The Chuff Engine as a sequel to "A Fish Called Wanda" but was rejected on the principle that "Scene of a Woman" has already been filmed. So the re-write involved the story of a kid named Harry who was a stoner and would get so high he would trip-out and think he was a wizard... of coarse, with any best selling novel, once Hollyweed get their grubby little hands on it, everything is raped up the ass without any lubricant and the end result of a rehashed script means it resembles the original as much as Micheal Jackson resembled a nigger on the day he died.
Harry Pot-smoker & the Philosophers Stoned[edit | edit source]
The first film release went into production in 1998 under the title "Hollywoods next piece of shit to be rammed down everyones necks". First to be cast in the movie was the character of Harry. Originally this 5 year old boy was to be played by Haley Joel Osmond. But due to a pissed off Adam West still bitter over not being chosen to reprise his role of Batman in the 1989 Tim Burton version, Haley drowned in the bitter tears Adam has left on the Warner Brothers set, that ultimately quadrupled in mass after Adam's first look at how George Clooney Bat-Fucked the 4th and final Burton Batman film, "Batman and Robin" with out any Bat-Contraceptives.
With Haley now on life support systems, they had to seek out an alternate little dip-shit to take the role of Harry. It was soon announced that a kid named Dorkell Ratshitt would play the role of Harry. Harry's mother agreed to let her son play the role for the rest of his life, provided he was in bed before nine and that he had his 4 breast-milk feedings a day. A requirement in his contract that his mother still demands to this day, with an underline that the breast milk must only be supplied by her [tits|bosoms]], ever since the movies Producer, David Yikes started breast feeding Harry on the set of the 3rd movie himself. Don't even ask how the sick bastard was producing a white substance for Dorkell to suck out, because we will go into further detail soon enough.
The rest of the cast was filled out by unknowns, who remain just as popular today... all except Robbie Coltrane who's career was so far down the toilet he would suck out what was left behind by Dorkell, and that bald dude that no one knows the name of, but you see him in just about every non-fiction piece of shit Hollyweed produce every year. The film was then released, under the newly written story that Harry was not a pot-head, but instead a geek with a magicwand chanting, "I'm the chosen one, I'm the chosen one" while producer David Yikes grinned at Harry's "Got Milk" smile on set and told him to grip the wand harder and shake it around a lot more.
The film was released, and somehow managed to be seen by every child in the world, imprinting onto their small minds that being a dweeb with glasses is cool, as long as you are either a fan of the movies, the books or preforming fellatio and not telling anyone about it as long as the money is coming in and mommy dearest is unaware of it.
The story of this movie was to make everyone believe a bunch of mythical characters where all out to help Harry earn is first 3 points in his XP upgrade towards his goal of being the chosen one to play Dexter in the upcoming 2020 movie of "Dexters Laboratory".
Chamber of Semen[edit | edit source]
Just like any other over-budgeted piece of shit Hollywood wish to ram down the worlds neck, there is a guaranteed sequel. This time around producer David Yikes was impressed at how well Dorkell's swallowing techniques had become, so he decided to keep him and the rest of the cast on to return for the expected sequel. Harry was now out of diapers, so David Yikes decided now was a good time to maybe explore new territories with Dorkell, and show him a few new tricks of the trade that would keep him working in Hollyweed for the rest of his life if he just remembers to be a good boy, keep his mouth shut, and take whats coming to him.
David made the decision to make the exact same movie as the last one, pretty much on the fact that he was more interested in Dorkell then making another stupid movie about a dweeb being awarded a round of applause for standing in front of a green screen while special effects artists do all of the real work... a trick David thanks George Lucas for. So the plot this time was the character of Harry can make a coat dance, and his asshole can take a beating. Preparing the character for the next movie where David has planned to bring friends along.
Prisoner of David Yikes[edit | edit source]
The 3rd film is the most controversial of the 900 Harry Potter films planned so far. Everything behind the scenes was going wrong when Dorkells mother discovered the white stains around her sons mouth where not hers, and that there was no way her own white liquid nourishment could spill around the anal cavity of Harry's chamber that was no longer a secret to David Yikes. She withdrew her son from the set immediately and went straight to the doctors and lawyers. To cut a long boring court case story short, it was decided by Dorkell himself that he enjoyed Davids love, and that things could be worse, as he would not be getting half the paid salary he was earning at his age, even if he was to spend a night at the Neverland Ranch. Dorkell promised his mother he wouldn't let David touch him again until he was at least 16, and that it would be better for both parties to just get back to work and make the next film.
The film was shot, and so was the inside of Dorkells rear-end, but Dorkell and David kept this on a strict need-to-blow basis. The story of the film this time involved a talking flute that Harry sticks up his bum to call upon a unicorn with hepatitis-C that shits marshmallows while a subplot to Harry's true homosexuality is hinted at.
Gobble Gobble Yikes[edit | edit source]
Dorkell didn't even leave the set after completing the last film, instead he and David began making the next over-rated piece of shit for Hollyweed. Dorkell was insistent that Yikes start sucking his own dick if he wanted him to suck his again. This was the beginning of a lovers tiff between Dorkell and Yikes, but would not escalate to it's height until 6 months into production of the latest front to make a movie to hide their true love.
The film was released, this time the plot of it was Harry can make turds fly into the blades of ceiling fans, and is now a level 12 Jedi-Master. It was during the films premiere that David actually wanted to watch the film for once, but Dorkell wanted him to fist him from behind and do the voice of Achmed The Dead Terrorist in what Dorkell refers to as the "Manginatriliquisim" act. It was at this moment in time, tensions grew between them, as David realized he had created a winy little bitch who always wanted his own way. David complained to Dorkell that preforming the act would make his arm stink and ruin his manicure at the same time, but Dorkell was insistent that if he did not violate his highly explored chamber of semen, that he would refuse to do the next movie and run off to be with another producer.
Dorkell and David then parted ways. Dorkell found himself a new bitch named Hard Rod. They went into production of a film titled "The Dickeating Boys" in which Dorkell was pounded in the ass by 300 Spartans and transformed his little chamber of semen into the size of that spiky pit thing from Return of the Jedi. Dorkells asshole took such punishment that it made his winy little ass tear up, and he went running to his mommy to demand she talk to David about returning to do a Harry Potter movie. Soon enough, the two where back together and David eased his way back into Dorkell's life.
Order of the Fuckhead[edit | edit source]
David and Dorkell flew to Paris to be typical Americans and spend thousands of dollars going to a country to just sit in the hotel and bitch about the coffee being better back home. They also spent all their money on a side trip to Amsterdam, where they figured when in Rome... they soon had spent every cent they had on hookers and Mr. Men flavored condoms, so it was now time to go and make another stupid movie, this time strictly just to pay off the room service bills.
Of coarse, Dorkell and Yikes fucked like mad rabbits off set, but on set Dorkell started to take an interest in his female co-star. Tabloids began printing stories about an online set love affair between Dorkell and his co-star Bummy Wrong. This pissed off David Yikes extremely, who plotted to have her character killed off within the first 2 minutes of the next episode. But the horrors to be where settled when the truth was discovered that Dorkells interest in her was not actually of her, but the shoes she was wearing. Dorkell then slept with her, got close enough to her to raid her wardrobe, stole what he wanted, then admitted to her he was gay and it's all over between them. This left miss Wrong in heartbroken tears, especially now that she had no clothes left and found out Dorkell gives better head then she does.
The film was released as usual, and this times plot was that of Harry knocking up his own sister and having to travel to a far away land to find someone with a coat-hanger.
The Half Inch Prick[edit | edit source]
By this time Dorkell had become the cockiest mother fucker on the planet. He was immune to being beaten up when he went out in public, so much that he starred in his first TV made movie "My Boy Jacks Off". It was a film of the pornographic nature, and Dorkell held his head up high as he thought the world would not be able to get enough of watching him jerk himself off. Dorkell funded the movie himself, and swallowed over half a pint of his own semen, assured of himself that this movie would make him the biggest name in the porno world since that Ron Jeromy made that movie with Martha Stewart and proved he would eat anything!
Dorkell's ego was soon crushed as he became the #1 joke in the world from exposing his 1 inch, when erect, penis to the world. This would crush his ego so bad that he refused to make any more Harry Potter movies. The world was in joy of this, and finally the terror of having to take kids to see something they will one day look back on embarrassed about watching. But what do you know, David managed to suck Dorkell into making another one. Dorkell was back on set taking orders and more from David, and soon the next piece of shit in the Harry Potter series made it to the big screen.
The plot for this movie was Harry baked a cake and the M&M's ran away before he could eat them.
The Head Job Swallow pt.1[edit | edit source]
Dorkell had claimed he would not participate in another Potter movie. He sat around waiting for the phone to ring off the hook and come be in something. But nothing was coming to him. 2 years of sitting by the phone and bitching at the telephone company that his line must obviously not be working and they are preventing him from being the next Dolph Lundgren, that's when David Yikes called up and said he missed his little bitch, and Dorkell should come do another stupid Potter movie. Dorkell had no other choice, his career as an actor is so fucked up from the Harry Potter character that he will never be accepted as anything else. Something Adam West is now laughing tears over, because even he has reprized his long dead career with Family Guy.
Dorkell came back for a two part piece of shit this time. This time in a plot close to Dorkells own life as Harry Potter searches for a penis enlarging spell.
The Head Job Swallow pt.2[edit | edit source]
David has used Dorkell for the last time in this final Harry Potter movie. David quoted; "We have worked together a long time now, and I've been fucking helping with his career since he was a small boy. But it's time to end this charade. He's getting too old for me, his asshole isn't as tight anymore, and quite frankly, I want to move onto bigger and better things".
The plot of the final movie this time around shows Harry kill himself at along last. this happens after a long speech about what a dweeb he is and that children should not believe in this crap. So they can all take their "magic" wands and shove them so far up their ass' that Yavid Dikes (David Yikes reference) would get a hard on watching it.
Harry Potter Fan Base[edit | edit source]
No one under the age of 6 can tell us what they saw in any of this crap, all we got when asking them what they loved about Harry Potter was a gurgle and a burp and few said they wanted to go potty. So we had to ask the "we read the books, it was so good" morons and they had this to say; "Star Wars is crap, Harry ROCKS!"
Unforgivably it seems the "book readers" are as stupid as Dorkell Ratshitt himself when he thought he could ever have an acting career outside of the Harry Potter series.
Future of Harry Potter[edit | edit source]
The future of Harry Potter movies is over and done with, for at least 2 years before David and Dorkell decide they need more money, or Hollywood decided to remake the entire thing for no apparent reason what-so-fucking-ever other then making a quick buck. Until then, Harry is still dead, David is currently off trying to buy Micheal Jackson's little black book from Pete Townsend, and the youth of the world who grew up watching this crap will all look back one day and hate themselves for being deprived of learning moral lessons rather then watching a nerd reach his final XP level of 100 and be awarded with the title "officially gay".
Dorkells only hope for the future if he doesn't kill himself is getting on his hands and knees and hoping he can suck someone off into making a movie based on Wheres Waldo